Post # 1
Okay, using my anon account to ask for some more advice…
My Fiance and i have been together for almost 3 years. At the beginning of our relationship, everything was very vague. His relationship status was single (on Facebook), another girl had a profile picture of them together, and we only ever talked to make plans. He never called me or texted me unless it was planning when we would “hang out” (he never referred to it as a date although he did pay and we kissed). This continued for about 3 months. Meanwhile, I dated other people. Nothing serious and nothing exclusive, but since I didn’t ever talk to Fiance it never even came up that I dated other people. The whole time, I really only ever got excited about dates with Fiance but I really didn’t want to mess it up so I was glad I had other people to talk to. They made it so i wasn’t clingy or pushy and i honestly believe that if I hadn’t been talking to other guys, I would’ve scared my Fiance away.
Anyways, once I realized how serious my feelings were for Fiance I ended everything with the other guys and forced the issue with Fiance. A few weeks later, he finally changed his relationship status to “in a relationship” and i did too, and it has been smooth sailing ever since. I haven’t even talked to another guy or thought of anyone else since we became official.
My Fiance and i have talked about the people we have dated before and I did mention these guys but never said when they happened… And sometimes (now obviously lol) it really gets to me that this is a secret. Even though at the time I really believed I wasn’t doing anything wrong because I was getting such mixed signals from my Fiance.
Anyways, do you guys think I should tell him? Our relationship is so strong right now and i really don’t want to hurt that, but I also don’t want to keep things from him..
Post # 3
@anonbee2214: You were not in a committed relationship with him at the time. You did nothing wrong. What would be accomplished by raising this issue?
Post # 4
Too often IMO… young women have some sort of compulsion (guilt) to overshare with their guys.
What is in the past, should stay in the past. You are entitled to that past. No matter what you did or didn’t do with any guy (and he is entitled to the same)
These life experiences make you the people you are today
As long as you are 100% REAL with each other now is ALL that matters
From the way you wrote the post, it is clear NEITHER OF YOU had decided to be EXCLUSIVE at that point in time… so is life
When you decided to become exclusive JOINTLY is all that matters… and that you’ve honoured / respected that agreement / commitment since that moment
You don’t have to share the past with him (out of any sense of guilt / obligation) unless you really want to
Realizing, that he too may have had other women when you two weren’t exclusive (what if he told you he was sleeping with a “fuck buddy”… how would you feel)
Maybe it is just better to leave this all where it lies… and go forward with YOUR JOINT HISTORY from the moment you both realized that it was MEANT TO BE
In the big scheme of things… those past things don’t really matter… you are with each other NOW that is what matters
Not what went on way back when (more so if it was something that happened BEFORE you got together… I say that for other Bees who may be reading this)
Being jealous about stuff that happened BEFORE your commitment to one another is dumb… and poisonous. It can eat / corrode at the relationship you have today.
Personally, I’d just EMBRACE what you have now… the past will mean less and less as time goes on… and you build your own life experiences, future etc.
Hope this helps,
Post # 6
@julies1949: that’s what I think 99% of the time… But I sometimes worry that one of my friends will say something to him about it (since I didn’t think anything was wrong at the time I didn’t keep it a secret from my friends or anything), and I don’t want him to be hurt then… I’d like to think that my friends are discrete, but I do have some “frenemies” lol.
Post # 7
@This Time Round: thank you for your post! I always really enjoy your perspective so I greatly appreciate the time you took to respond. I think you are so right about not letting the past poison the present. My Fiance says similar sentiments often, actually. If he had been sleeping with someone casually while we were in this phase of our relationship I wold not be surprised at all, so I guess I really need to let go of the guilt that I have developed. Thank you again. <3
Post # 8
@anonbee2214: Since you were not in an agreed-upon, committed relationship at the time, I don’t think you did anything wrong in going on dates with other guys while you were also were “hanging out” with and going on dates with your now-FI.
I also do not think he could possibly be upset with you for going out with others during this time.
To me, the biggest issue here is the fact that this is bothering you, and you feel as if he should know about this. I also agree that it probably would be a good idea to share it with him — not because it was wrong, but simply because you would like to tell him.
I think I would just present it to him exactly the way you presented it to us. Just let him know that, although the two of you were not technically in a relationship at the time, and neither of you would have been wrong for going out with other people until you did agree to be in a relationship, you really just wanted him to know about the timing of these other relationships. You love him, and you just wanted him to know this.
Not knowing your Fiance at all, it’s impossible to predict exactly what he would say. However, I think it’s likely he actually will feel closer to you because you wanted to share this information with him.
Post # 9
@anonbee2214: I think it’s pointless to tell him. You guys clearly weren’t serious at that point. He very well may have been seeing other people, too. Discussing this has a high probability of just making one or both of you jealous/annoyed. The past is the past- leave it that way.
Post # 10
@anonbee2214: Two things comes to mind…
1. You weren’t in a committed relationship at the time, so whatever happened is really none of his business.
2. Even if you did choose to share this, why would he be upset? What risk are you taking in telling him?
I vote No. And I wouldn’t fret over having this “secret” – it’s not a secret, it’s just what happened in your life. I’m sure he has experienced things that he hasn’t told you. No big deal!
Post # 11
Bringing it up now after 3 years would make it seem like a bigger deal than it really was. I mean, most of the time I forget that there even were other men before my Fiance. If he hears it from one of your “frenemies” (I don’t understand why you would keep those, but that’s another topic), I don’t see any reason why it would make him upset, since everyone is in agreement that you didn’t do anything wrong. But if you come to him and make a point of coming clean as if you do feel like you did something wrong, he might wonder if there’s more to the story that made you feel like you needed to address it.
Post # 12
No don’t tell him. It may only just complicate things further and you were not in a solid relationship at the time anyways.
Post # 13
nope, nothing to tell in my eyes since you two werent officially a couple
Post # 14
Telling him is pointless. I personally don’t think oversharing is a good idea in a relationship. Leave the past in the past 🙂
Post # 15
No way! Do you want to hear about the other women he was dating while he was dating you? Yuck, no, just NO
Post # 16
Some couples really like disclosing everything about every person they have been with. I am not here to say what is right and what is wrong, but I personally do not really want this for my relationship. Some things are okay to bring up, like important life events and memories that are important to me- and if somebody else was in the picture at that time, they may be mentioned in the story. However, you should not be feeling this guilt. If he had wanted you to be his and his alone at that time, he should have made it happen. I have a feeling that if he had made the effort to me exclusive with you earlier on, then you would not have been dating other guys. It is natural to try people out, but it is not ok to lie. Once in a relationship, the bond needs to be respected. It sounds like you were respectful of those boundaries.
The fact that this is still on your mind is troubling. You have to ask yourself why you feel this guilt. You may need to talk to a therapist to help figure this out if there is something deeper going on here. Otherwise, you have done nothing wrong, and should feel good about your relationship.