(Closed) Help! I need some advice… Should I tell him?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I tell him?
    Yes : (15 votes)
    10 %
    No : (134 votes)
    90 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    46408 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @anonbee2214:  You were not in a committed relationship with him at the time. You did nothing wrong. What would be accomplished by raising this issue?

    Post # 4
    Member
    9955 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Oldtimer here…

    Too often IMO… young women have some sort of compulsion (guilt) to overshare with their guys.

    What is in the past, should stay in the past.  You are entitled to that past.  No matter what you did or didn’t do with any guy (and he is entitled to the same)

    These life experiences make you the people you are today

    As long as you are 100% REAL with each other now is ALL that matters

    From the way you wrote the post, it is clear NEITHER OF YOU had decided to be EXCLUSIVE at that point in time… so is life

    When you decided to become exclusive JOINTLY is all that matters… and that you’ve honoured / respected that agreement / commitment since that moment

    You don’t have to share the past with him (out of any sense of guilt / obligation) unless you really want to

    Realizing, that he too may have had other women when you two weren’t exclusive (what if he told you he was sleeping with a “fuck buddy”… how would you feel)

    Maybe it is just better to leave this all where it lies… and go forward with YOUR JOINT HISTORY from the moment you both realized that it was MEANT TO BE

    In the big scheme of things… those past things don’t really matter… you are with each other NOW that is what matters

    Not what went on way back when (more so if it was something that happened BEFORE you got together… I say that for other Bees who may be reading this)

    Being jealous about stuff that happened BEFORE your commitment to one another is dumb… and poisonous.  It can eat / corrode at the relationship you have today.

    Personally, I’d just EMBRACE what you have now… the past will mean less and less as time goes on… and you build your own life experiences, future etc.

    Hope this helps,

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    11356 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    @anonbee2214:  Since you were not in an agreed-upon, committed relationship at the time, I don’t think you did anything wrong in going on dates with other guys while you were also were “hanging out” with and going on dates with your now-FI.

    I also do not think he could possibly be upset with you for going out with others during this time.

    To me, the biggest issue here is the fact that this is bothering you, and you feel as if he should know about this.  I also agree that it probably would be a good idea to share it with him — not because it was wrong, but simply because you would like to tell him.

    I think I would just present it to him exactly the way you presented it to us.  Just let him know that, although the two of you were not technically in a relationship at the time, and neither of you would have been wrong for going out with other people until you did agree to be in a relationship, you really just wanted him to know about the timing of these other relationships. You love him, and you just wanted him to know this.

    Not knowing your Fiance at all, it’s impossible to predict exactly what he would say. However, I think it’s likely he actually will feel closer to you because you wanted to share this information with him.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1399 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @anonbee2214:  I think it’s pointless to tell him. You guys clearly weren’t serious at that point. He very well may have been seeing other people, too. Discussing this has a high probability of just making one or both of you jealous/annoyed. The past is the past- leave it that way.

    Post # 10
    Member
    772 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @anonbee2214:  Two things comes to mind…

    1.  You weren’t in a committed relationship at the time, so whatever happened is really none of his business.

    2.  Even if you did choose to share this, why would he be upset?  What risk are you taking in telling him?

    I vote No.  And I wouldn’t fret over having this “secret” – it’s not a secret, it’s just what happened in your life.  I’m sure he has experienced things that he hasn’t told you.  No big deal!

    Post # 11
    Member
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Bringing it up now after 3 years would make it seem like a bigger deal than it really was. I mean, most of the time I forget that there even were other men before my Fiance. If he hears it from one of your “frenemies” (I don’t understand why you would keep those, but that’s another topic), I don’t see any reason why it would make him upset, since everyone is in agreement that you didn’t do anything wrong. But if you come to him and make a point of coming clean as if you do feel like you did something wrong, he might wonder if there’s more to the story that made you feel like you needed to address it. 

     

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    1657 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    No don’t tell him. It may only just complicate things further and you were not in a solid relationship at the time anyways. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    405 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    nope, nothing to tell in my eyes since you two werent officially a couple

    Post # 14
    Member
    443 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Telling him is pointless. I personally don’t think oversharing is a good idea in a relationship. Leave the past in the past 🙂

    Post # 15
    Member
    1326 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    No way! Do you want to hear about the other women he was dating while he was dating you? Yuck, no, just NO

    Post # 16
    Member
    93 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Some couples really like disclosing everything about every person they have been with.  I am not here to say what is right and what is wrong, but I personally do not really want this for my relationship.  Some things are okay to bring up, like important life events and memories that are important to me- and if somebody else was in the picture at that time, they may be mentioned in the story.  However, you should not be feeling this guilt.  If he had wanted you to be his and his alone at that time, he should have made it happen.  I have a feeling that if he had made the effort to me exclusive with you earlier on, then you would not have been dating other guys.  It is natural to try people out, but it is not ok to lie.  Once in a relationship, the bond needs to be respected.  It sounds like you were respectful of those boundaries.

    The fact that this is still on your mind is troubling.  You have to ask yourself why you feel this guilt.  You may need to talk to a therapist to help figure this out if there is something deeper going on here. Otherwise, you have done nothing wrong, and should feel good about your relationship.

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