(Closed) Help! I need some advice.

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

I truly sympathise with you – this is an awful situation to be in. 

This is always difficult to deal with and the thing that makes this very tricky is the fact that she is related to you by marriage (if I have understood right).  Telling her she isn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man anymore will cause problems that would totally overtake your wedding day. There is the possibility of alienating members of your family, people take sides (they might all agree with you but they could also sympathise with her) and before you know it there is a huge problem that will be very hard to solve and have a lasting effect. You said she would remove her daughters as flower girls, so you already seem to realise this would have a ripple effect beyond just telling her you don’t want her to be Bridesmaid or Best Man……………

     I think the best think to do IMO is to sit down with her and talk about how you see things going right now and what is making you upset. You are in early stages of planning your wedding day and I would say nip this behaviour in the bud NOW! It will only escalate if you try to ignore it. You said you had other BM’s – perhaps they could talk to her about her attitude? At some point they will probably plan a hen night for you and I am sure they won’t put up with any nonsense.

     One thing I would say is if you do talk to her, make sure you allow her to talk too. This should be a conversation about both of you – Not just “I am not happy about….. etc etc” You said you don’t have much in common – talking could help you find some common ground and an understanding of each other’s feelings. Say you are on new territory here dealing with BM’s and venues, food, invites and you really need help and support. IMO setting out this early on helps prevent the issues of BM’s later becoming reluctant to help as they already know what the bride expects from them on the day – Just show up or the whole bridesmaid support role.

   On many posts about BM’s there is the thought that all a Bridesmaid or Best Man has to do is show up in the dress and smile. So another way to deal with this could be perhaps from now on share less plans and thoughts about the wedding. Say to her “All I expect is for you to show up on the day in a blue dress and smile” She can’t comment and complain about stuff she doesn’t know about. Share all the details with the BM’s who can give support and encouragement.

    All else fails – be firm! It is YOUR day – sorry Fiance but lets face it it is about the bride!;o) If you say you are going to have an outdoor wedding and she says she isn’t coming (which is emotional blackmail) call her on it and say “Sorry to hear that but it IS going to be an outdoor wedding” If you want BM’s in pink and she says she wants to wear green, say “This is the colour I have chosen” She wants short dress and you want long, tell her to show her legs another time. I do hope you don’t get bullied into making choices for the sake of trying to keep things calm. I know you are finding it tough but it will be possible to make YOUR choices for the wedding day and it really doesn’t matter what she thinks of them.

    And of course there is the option of removing her from the wedding party – In this situation I honestly would go for this as a very last option and it would really only be an option if the likely resulting anger is a better alternative to her being bridesmaid. 

    Hope you can get this sorted out as soon as possible and have fun preparing for the day of your dreams!

    

Post # 4
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly you should have addressed this when she proposed herself as Bridesmaid or Best Man but you didn’t- you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man so this is the choice you made so I think you need to stop putting this on her. If you kick her out now all that is going to happen is hurt feelings (which will probably mean the best man and the kids wont be in the wedding either or in yours and Fiance life) and you are definately going to look like the bad guy in the eyes of other friends.

Personally I would just stop talking to her about wedding stuff (and really 14 months out is probably too early to be talking about this stuff- especially since she isn’t really your friend so she is less likely to put up with all consuming wedding talk) and just be polite and thank her for her opinion but say it is not what you guys have envisioned for your wedding.

 

Post # 6
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@whaevaynot:  No by accepting and saying yes to her proposing herself as BM you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. In that moment you could have put her off (I haven’t decided yet etc) or said no.

You just need to tell her the details that relate to her (time, dress etc) and leave it at that. If she wants to talk weddings then just say the planning is going great thanks have you tried the dip?

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