Post # 1
Let me give you a little bit of background. I have been with my s/o for 2 and a half years. We have ALWAYS been the super romantic, wildly ridiculous couple. We do cheesy things for each other. We’ve gone through a lot together, including losing a baby 9 months ago.
Before we started dating, he had been married to an AWFUL person. She was just awful. I have literally spnt the last 2 and a half years trying to prove to him that I’m not her.
We have always talked about marriage and children, and when we started dating, I told him specifically that marriage was very important to me and to my family. I wanted MORE than just a boyfriend.
And so, after months of hinting that it was time, I gave up and took charge. I proposed to him a few days ago, ring and bended knee and all. Even got his mother’s permission. We’ve talked about me proposing and what he would do, considering it’s quite a swap for the girl to propose, he said he would be surprised, but would say yes.
Well, he said no. Actually, yes the night I asked him, and then after thinking about it for a day, he told me no.
He says he doesn’t know if he wants to get married, but that he loves me and it shouldn’t reflect the way he feels about me.
I’m hurt and confused, and so frustrated! I can see it from his side, too, but now I’m wondering if I’m wasting my time.
What would you do in my position?
Post # 2
What is his reason for saying no? Was it because how horrible his last marriage ended up?
Post # 3
If he doesn’t know he wants to get married, it’s probably not going to change any time soon.
Either you just stay with him and accept that he may never change his mind, or you need to move on if you want to get married.
Then there’s the hurtful side to consider: maybe he doesn’t want to marry you. I’m not saying that’s the case, but it’s something that I had to consider before. 🙁
Post # 4
“I have literally spnt the last 2 and a half years trying to prove to him that I’m not her.”
Sounds like he’s being very truthful about not being ready for marriage. I know you have the best intentions but that’s a very unhealthy dynamic to maintain. Has he been to therapy, or have you both been to couples therapy?
Post # 5
Sounds exhausting trying to prove who you are for 2 1/2 years straight.
If I were in your position, I would either accept that he never wants to get married and live with that. Or move on and find someone who does want to get married. You need to decide how important marriage is to you. I doubt his mind will change.
Post # 6
I would talk to him and ask him what his reservations are about getting married. Is it the fear of divorce? Is it the fear of women cleaning him out? Once he tells you the root of his problems, then help solve it with him.
If he’s scared of a divorce, and how it would devastating, let him know you are willing to work together on a fair and just prenup. If he’s scared of being the sole breadwinner, let him know you’re wiling to be a working mother (if you are).
Sum is, if you’ve tried to solve his fear and he still doesn’t want to mary you then it’s time to leave.
Post # 7
Sorry bee, but I would move on. You want marriage and he’s not sure if he wants to get married again. It’s a deal-breaker.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2015 - Holly Hedge Estate
He isn’t ready/interested in getting married as he has stated, and TBH fortunately for you he is upfront and is saying No. What if he went through with it just to pull out at the last minute? If he isn’t ready or no longer wants to be married ever again, and it’s something that you absolutely want for yourself then i think that may be a deal breaker. I really give him credit for being upfront and telling you he truely doesnt feel it’s the right thing for him at this moment, even though i’m sure it really hurts you. It’s better to lay all the cards out now then to be blindsided later on when things have gotten much more entwined, you know?
Post # 9
If I were you, I would let him go without a doubt in my mind. It would be extremely painful, but ultimately my time (i.e. youth) is far too valuable for an emotionally damaged or indecisive man. Two and a half years is plenty long enough to know whether you want to marry someone, particularly after being proposed to. Please do not waste any more of your precious and fast-fleeting time and find yourself a man that is READY to get married and have children. And avoiding men that have gone through messy divorces should be rule number 1 next time around. Good luck to you, lovely! 🙂
Post # 10
I am sorry to say this, but any person who makes you “prove” you’re not their ex has issues.
I don’t care how awful his ex was. There are women on this board who have been beaten and cheated on, but they don’t hold that over the next SO’s head and expect success.
Those are HIS issues to resolve. You can’t fix that no matter how sweet you are, and you shouldn’t be trying to fix it. it’s not fair.
I’m sorry he said no, but I think he’s right. He needs to get straight with his issues before he can be a good partner. You deserve better.
Post # 12
Thank you, everyone. I am very grateful that he said no, and I love him with all of my heart.. My last relationship wasn’t a picnic, either, I was very hurt and broken at the same time that my s/o was. But I healed, and I grew, and I learned a lot from it. I would never pressure him into marrying me, I thought we were on the same page. I have goals, I want a house, I want to move, and he wants none of these things.. I’m trying to hold on, hoping, because he’s absolutely wonderful, that he would heal as well.. but he hasn’t. Even his mother was really confused.
Post # 13
You don’t have to prove you’re not his ex, OP. I’d encourage you to seek some space…
Post # 14
he said it was partially that, which I understand, but we’ve built this little life now. She has no part of it. The divorce wasn’t that ugly, she didn’t take everything away from him, they didn’t have kids, she didn’t abuse him, she was just an awful person and bad partner..
Post # 15
I don’t think I would give up yet. I would first wanna know why he said no. The look at counselling and them see. Maybe he thinks by saying yes you will have him up the aisle in under 6months. Maybe explain your happy with a year + engagement. He may have said no out of pride. He might have something lined up.
you need to explore why if you love him would you give it up for a signature on a piece of paper.
is marriage a deal breaker or do you love him more that it doesn’t matter
sorry can’t give anymore advice than that