(Closed) Help, I proposed and he said no.

posted 6 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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cjaymes:  What is his reason for saying no?  Was it because how horrible his last marriage ended up? 

Post # 3
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If he doesn’t know he wants to get married, it’s probably not going to change any time soon. 

Either you just stay with him and accept that he may never change his mind, or you need to move on if you want to get married. 

Then there’s the hurtful side to consider: maybe he doesn’t want to marry you.  I’m not saying that’s the case, but it’s something that I had to consider before. 🙁 

Post # 4
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

“I have literally spnt the last 2 and a half years trying to prove to him that I’m not her.”

Sounds like he’s being very truthful about not being ready for marriage. I know you have the best intentions but that’s a very unhealthy dynamic to maintain. Has he been to therapy, or have you both been to couples therapy? 

Post # 5
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

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cjaymes:  Sounds exhausting trying to prove who you are for 2 1/2 years straight. 

If I were in your position, I would either accept that he never wants to get married and live with that. Or move on and find someone who does want to get married. You need to decide how important marriage is to you. I doubt his mind will change.

Post # 6
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

I would talk to him and ask him what his reservations are about getting married.  Is it the fear of divorce?  Is it the fear of women cleaning him out?  Once he tells you the root of his problems, then help solve it with him. 

If he’s scared of a divorce, and how it would devastating, let him know you are willing to work together on a fair and just prenup.  If he’s scared of being the sole breadwinner, let him know you’re wiling to be a working mother (if you are). 

Sum is, if you’ve tried to solve his fear and he still doesn’t want to mary you then it’s time to leave.

Post # 7
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry bee, but I would move on. You want marriage and he’s not sure if he wants to get married again. It’s a deal-breaker.

Post # 8
Member
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Holly Hedge Estate

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cjaymes:   He isn’t ready/interested in getting married as he has stated, and TBH fortunately for you he is upfront and is saying No. What if he went through with it just to pull out at the last minute? If he isn’t ready or no longer wants to be married ever again, and it’s something that you absolutely want for yourself then i think that may be a deal breaker. I really give him credit for being upfront and telling you he truely doesnt feel it’s the right thing for him at this moment, even though i’m sure it really hurts you. It’s better to lay all the cards out now then to be blindsided later on when things have gotten much more entwined, you know?

Post # 9
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

If I were you, I would let him go without a doubt in my mind. It would be extremely painful, but ultimately my time (i.e. youth) is far too valuable for an emotionally damaged or indecisive man. Two and a half years is plenty long enough to know whether you want to marry someone, particularly after being proposed to. Please do not waste any more of your precious and fast-fleeting time and find yourself a man that is READY to get married and have children. And avoiding men that have gone through messy divorces should be rule number 1 next time around. Good luck to you, lovely! 🙂

Post # 10
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am sorry to say this, but any person who makes you “prove” you’re not their ex has issues. 

I don’t care how awful his ex was. There are women on this board who have been beaten and cheated on, but they don’t hold that over the next SO’s head and expect success. 

Those are HIS issues to resolve. You can’t fix that no matter how sweet you are, and you shouldn’t be trying to fix it. it’s not fair. 

I’m sorry he said no, but I think he’s right. He needs to get straight with his issues before he can be a good partner. You deserve better. 

Post # 11
Member
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Holly Hedge Estate

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BalletParker:  Agreed 100%

Post # 13
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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BalletParker:  AMEN!

You don’t have to prove you’re not his ex, OP. I’d encourage you to seek some space…

Post # 15
Member
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I don’t think I would give up yet. I would first wanna know why he said no. The look at counselling and them see. Maybe he thinks by saying yes you will have him up the aisle in under 6months. Maybe explain your happy with a year + engagement. He may have said no out of pride. He might have something lined up.

you need to explore why if you love him would you give it up for a signature on a piece of paper.

is marriage a deal breaker or do you love him more that it doesn’t matter

 

sorry can’t give anymore advice than that

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