Help! I ruined my proposal.

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 33
1716 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think you both need to take a breadth and put this discussion aside for the weekend. Just chill. Don’t wear the ring, if you can, since JA will only take it back if in a new unworn condition. When cooler heads prevail, totally own up to your bad timing and not appreciating his emotional investment in the ring.  But, you MUST get a setting you love. No martydom allowed. Say since you picked the setting, you will take care of every step of getting the setting sorted. All on you. 

If you have the option, may I suggest one of these settings by Elle? These are more unique, while being classy. Not very expensive ($700 and $800, respectivly in 14k white) and she can make sure the ring if finished exactly as you like. The prongs will be perfect and she will make sure the stone is not too square. This setting will fit a flush band and has some character. If you go this route, just keep the stone in its setting and send that way.



On hand:




The technical issues for the setting are that it is too low (you need a different setting) and the stone looks square. To some extent, you can’t fight geometry. If you put 4 dots at the corners of a stone that is basically a square…it will look like a square. But, you can make is less so by making sure the prongs are delicate and pointy . You don’t want for dots,  you want 4 (or 8) claws. JA is terrible about making delicate prongs. You have to insist, send pictures, and make sure it is written on the work order along with your inspiration picture. 




Image result for cushion prong steven kirsch

Post # 34
454 posts
Helper bee

I can understand buying a ring online and it not being what you’ve expected. But I think you need to take a step back and reevaluate how you communicate with your partner. This is one of likely many uncomfortable conversations you’ll have in your life together!

Perhaps you think you’re saying one thing, but he’s interpreting them differently. Having emotionally-charged feelings can also make discussions go the wrong way.

Maybe start from square one, with an apology, and then clarify yourself. Your concerns seem to be pretty logistical — you want the band to fit a certain way. The prongs give an illusion to the stone that hide it’s true shape — show some pics of a cushion cut in prongs that you like better.

Above all, this is not something to scream and cry about. I think these are things you probably wouldn’t be able to tell without seeing a ring in person. This is a misfortune that isn’t due to a fault on either of your parts. It’s just a risk of buying a ring without seeing it. James Allen has a return policy, it should be an easy fix. NONE of this has to do with not being excited to marry him, etc. etc. I think you’d do well to assure him of that, and take the emotion out of it as much as possible.

Post # 35
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

sbdunbar :  happy to help!! Let us know how it goes!! 👍🏼

Post # 37
2006 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

May be he felt pressured to propose because of pregnancy now feels pressure for ring not bring right. Your hormonal it’s real you have pressure to. Tell him that. You both need to get over it!

Post # 38
399 posts
Helper bee

How about getting him a nice ring and re-proposing to him? Do something special like a nice meal at home and get down on one knee and ask him. Would that maybe create a new special memory to overwrite the one that went a bit wrong? It might make him feel better too? 

Post # 39
160 posts
Blushing bee

Holy shit what? He’s proposed to you multiple times over the past year and you said no because you needed it to be more “official,” then when it WAS official you immediately starting criticizing the ring (that you picked out!) and wanted a do-over? That’s not pregnancy hormones, that’s intense entitlement.

Do you actually want to be married to this person?


Bee, don’t exchange the ring. If the relationship is to be saved AT ALL, you need to do some serious groveling, butt-kissing, and sincere apologizing. I like mstattoolady :  ‘s idea. Maybe propose to him back? Make it the big, special, dream proposal you’d pictured? Because to be completely sincere, if I had been him, and you went on a whining binge about the ring after everything else, then the things I would be calling you would be … well, a lot shorter words than “superficial.” Probably shouted over my shoulder as I moved out. 

Post # 40
1371 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with PP that where you went wrong was the immediate critique of the ring. I’m going to go against the grain and say that if it is truly not what you were expecting it to look like, exchange it.

Similar thing happened to me. We (meaning I did) chose the ring off Blue Nile. And it wasn’t until after we ordered and he had the ring that I realized my setting won’t sit absolutely flush with the band. Which was like my #1 thing when ring shopping. Fiance was upset with me and didn’t see why it bothered me so much. I chose to keep the ring because the return time had already lapsed by the time I saw it in person.I wish I would have had a chance to change it,because now band shopping just pissed me off trying to find something that will work. But- to compromise with it, I will either get the more expensive band that allows for no gap, or I will opt to change the setting instead of a wedding band. I’m leaning towards splurging a little on the band instead. 

Hope you figure it out and both find a way to make it work for you! 

Post # 43
684 posts
Busy bee

 I chose to customize a ring I saw at a jewelry store, and when my SO excitedly showed it to me (though that wasnt the proposal), I got a sinking feeling. It did not turn out how I wanted. I was so disappointed.

I told him later that night that I didn’t like it, and you know what he did? He worked with the jeweler to make the ring how I wanted. It turned out wonderfully. He didnt yell at me or call me names or expect me to be happy with whatever he gave me and keep my mouth shut if I am not. He just wanted me to be happy. Maybe you’re marrying the wrong guy. Your SO should never be mean to you like that. 

Post # 45
434 posts
Helper bee

I’m going to go against the grain and say I think he is the one over reacting. He had proposed to you multiple times (of which I’m assuming you said yes because why would he go out and buy a ring if he felt you would say no?), you discussed the ring together and picked it out together, you both discussed exchanging it if for whatever reason if you didn’t like it and he proposed to you while you were still in bed and sick with morning sickness.

Honestly, I would have thought it was a casual proposal and would have thought nothing of mentioning it wasn’t my style then and there. As an example, it would be like me discussing ordering a shirt online for my boyfriend, ordering it and having it come in the mail, giving it to him and him being like ‘that’s really sweet Hun but it doesn’t quite look the way I envisioned it in person – how about we return it and get something a little more me’. I wouldn’t be offended in the slightest.

Now, I get there is a difference between ordering a shirt and an engagement ring but honestly that is how casual it seems from what you have discussed (and lots of people have casual proposals so I’m not saying that’s a negative thing). I honestly just think he is overreacting. If he thought it was that much of a significant moment maybe he shouldn’t haven’t ruined it by proposing multiple times and picking the ring out together – he should have told you how important proposing is to him and he isn’t going to do it until he has the ring which he believes that be very sentimental and rude to return (that way you would better know how to react!). 

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