(Closed) HELP! I think we're over..

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 122
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@lostandconfused:  I think your plan is a really good one. Hopefully seeing you working hard to change will give your relationship a much more positive dynamic and motivate your Fiance to change. The silent timeline is also a good idea because you obviously can’t wait forever hoping he will change. The benefit of focusing on fixing yourself is that even if your relationship doesn’t work out, you will still enjoy the benefits of your efforts and they will help you in your next relationship. Good luck!

Post # 123
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lostandconfused:  OP, this is a hard situation. It sounds like your Fiance is depressed and taking out his unhappiness on you. It sucks that he is not willing to acknowledge that he is being unfair by expecting you to handle all the responsibilities and “adult” things while he is unemployed. 


However, I can understand the depression on job searching in this economy. Before I met Fiance, I was living at home with my parents, VERY depressed, playing on the internet too much, and eating bowls of cereal rather than ever actually cook anything. For months, I did not want to leave my room at our family home. I would go out with friends, only to come home more depressed because I had spent money that I should have been saving on dinner or a drink or two.


I ended up meeting Fiance, going to grad school, and now just after out wedding am starting to job search again. There is pretty much NOTHING in our area in my actual field. We don’t want to move, b/c Fiance has a great job and just got a promotion. He is supporting us. I am not depressed about the situation yet, but it is hard getting up everyday and knowing the only thing for you to do is chores… I am a person who NEEDS intellectual stimulation (going to be a teacher someday… if someone will hire me…). I feel guilty a lot of days when I have the day off (currently work part time at… you guessed it… starbucks) because I don’t WANT to do mindless chores with nothing exciting or stimulating to look forward to.


I can only imagine it is worse for your Fiance, who does not even have a car to get out of the house and run errands or just go somewhere by himself every once in a while. Has he been able to make any friends in your new state yet? Perhaps this is part of the problem. He doesn’t have anything MEANINGFUL to do, so he has given up. You are pretty much the only person he sees, and it seems that now all he does is disappoint you, and you are probably nagging quite a bit out of frustration. It may seems counterintuitive, but if your Fiance is like me, nagging just makes him shut down and resent you. He doesn’t want to clean because he feels like a scolded child.


I’m not saying his is in the RIGHT here. He is definitly being unappreciative of you. But he is probably also jealous that you are the one with the job, while he sits at home. And job searching is incredibly discouraging. Just because you were able to find something in your field does not mean that it will be as easy for someone else. You could have gotten lucky to find something so quickly.


I would advise you to ease up on the nagging. If you can stand to do it, just allow the house to be a little messy for a while. Perhaps he will start to clean up on his on. Do things that you have TIME to do, but if you feel you need an evening to relax after work just don’t touch the chores.


See how it goes a while longer (6 months?) and see if things change once he gets a job. Though, I would agree that his unwillingness to talk about the relationship is not a good thing.  Perhaps, though, the job situation is making him feel crappy enough that any little thing you say to him just makes him feel attacked. I’m sure in the back of his mind, he feels that he is not good enough for you because he has not found a job yet. Especially if he is acting so differently that he used to in your relationship.

Post # 124
1017 posts
Bumble bee

Here is my very unpopular opinion.  If couples have to go to counseling BEFORE the wedding, then they should just go their seperate ways instead.  

Post # 127
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Oh no! He sounds depressed. Some ppl equate their self worth to having a job. If he doesnt, he probably feels like shit. That is no reason to take it out on you but knowing that you can at least target that at counselling. Guys behave very differently when they are depressed. Not to mention he failed an exam.

I think he needs you to tell him what to do for a bit. He cant seem to trust himself to do anything right because his self esteem seems to be at an all time low. Maybe you can do that? Give him a ‘to do’ list for a bit? Also include him retaking that exam on it. 


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