- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
You have not mentioned safety and so I assume this is not an issue. Any doubts about this and you need friends or relations around when you ask him to leave. He does not sound entirely sane to me. Any problems or worries about safety call the police.
If you marry him his behaviour will only get worse. It seems to me that he doesn’t love you but wants to own you. He certainly doesn’t listen to you or try to make you happy. He has no concern for your feelings. You need to get out of this relationship quickly and change your phone numbers, email address and door locks. Don’t agree to meet him again after you have split up. Don’t feel sorry for him. You are doing the best thing for both of you.
OK, I did it. Now how do I deal with feeling like a horrible person???
He asked me today why I was so quiet and if we needed to talk again. I told him how it freaked me out that he was acting like nothing ever happened. And since it was my lunch break, I had to go back to work and told him we would talk when I got home. Well of couse he could not wait until then, so we began messaging back and forth. I told him exactly how I felt and he put me on the spot by asking if I was willing to work on this relationship, or if I was done. He made all the same excuses again, that he didn’t want the relationship to end and that he wanted to be a loving and caring person, etc…. Then the guilt trip by saying maybe one day he will get it together, so I retaliated by saying it’s not that he doesn’t have it together, it’s just that what worked for his previous relationships does not work for me. Now I have this horrible guilty feeling.
You made the right decision, and you don’t have to feel guilty (or horrible) about that.
Lose the guilt, it will not help matters a bit. If he REALLY wants to work on the relationship, then couples therapy is in order. If he is unwilling to do that, then I think it is time to say adios. Breaking engagements is hard – I have done it twice. But much easier than divorce.
You need to do what is right for you. He has no right to guilt trip you or tell you that one day he might get his act together! You don’t need to get married and have children with a man who acts like this. Your first responsibility is to yourself, you need to make sure that you are happy and if you aren’t, then things need to change. This relationship isn’t changing and doesn’t seem to be making you happy. You are not a bad person, you just want to give both of you the best chance to be happy in life, even if it means some sadness now.
Don’t feel guilty for doing the right thing for yourself! And BOTH of you will move on and be happier individuals, you can’t feel guilty about that. He’s hurt now but not nearly as hurt as he would be (or you) should you get married and divorced.
Because that’s what marriage is all about: feeling guilty.
Don’t let him guilt trip you, this is THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
You want to make this mistake just because you were afraid to hurt someone’s feelings? And not just someone, but the WRONG guy for you? Don’t even think twice about it, he is trying to manipulate you to get what he wants.
Right now – to him – you’re so conveinient (because hey, you’re already in a relationship and engaged) and maybe, just maybe he can convince you to stay with him so that you can wed and have kids before his “clock” stops ticking.
Is that what you reeally want? To become ticks on someone’s checklist?
I mean seriously. Stop texting him, see him in person and kick him out of YOUR apartment.
Don’t feel guilty, but please – mourn or party for a few days as you see fit, this is by no means an easy thing to do.
I understand feeling guilty. It’s hard to break up with people sometimes. But give yourself a break. You’re doing him a favor too, in the long run; eventually it would fall apart.
Thanks for all of your responses. It has really helped me in this difficult time.
I’m now faced with the choice of going to couples therapy or just shutting this whole relationship down for good. Is it worth going to therapy to try to work things out? I’m afraid of falling back into his trap. And, of course now he’s ready to try to make things better when I’m ready to leave. So, it’s really making this desicion difficult. To try again, or to call it quits for good?
I understand the guilty feeling… but honestly soon you’ll feel like a huge weight has been lifted and you’ll be SO glad you didn’t let him guilt trip you into marrying him! I think you did him a disservice by telling him that he doesn’t NOT have his shit together, because really, if he did have his shit together you’d be happy to be with him. He doesn’t have his shit together, and honestly he’s not acting how a grown, mature man ready-for-marriage would act. You say he is selfish and he certainly sounds like it! And seriously… his “clock” is ticking? I didn’t think men even had “clocks” the way women do!
People like that are almost emotionally abusive because they weave you into this web that becomes really difficult to escape. I’ve had a guy have me wrapped around his finger and I can’t tell you how good it feels to be free.
Tip: If he hasn’t gotten it together by now, nothing anyone does will help change him.
I think it’s best if you just shut down the relationship for good. I mean, you did that once and then came back and nothing changed right? Why would you think anything will change because he persuades you to not leave?
I hope I’m not sounding too mean, I just don’t like seeing women in this situation.
It sucks that he’s hurt…you should feel sorry for him that he’s hurt. But you should NOT FEEL GUILTY. You know why? Because he’s responsible for his own actions. You tried to work on the relationship. You gave up and broke up with him a year ago. When you got back together you spelled out that you were unhappy and what needed to change. He did not respond. This is not your fault.
You’ve done the right thing. Be strong and cut off all contact. Give him a deadline to get out of your house. He needs to deal with his own crap.
Good for you for being strong enough not to get trapped in a marriage you don’t want. Once he moves out you need to cut off all contact (block him from facebook, don’t text, call or email) for serveral months to give you both a chance to grieve and move on emotionally.
Honestly, he might consider going to therapy on his own to learn how he can change his behavior to have a successful relationship (since he’s focused on finding a girl to marry).
You don’t want the relationship. Don’t get guilted into trying to save it. You are only 24 for god’s sake, you don’t need this crap. You have lots of time to find the right man.
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