(Closed) Help! I want to break my engagement!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@eeb01:  i’m sure he is just in denial.  that is the first stage of grief.  he will go through all of the stages before he reaches acceptance.

i broke up with my ex fi almost 5 years ago.  we were together for 8 years but i knew that he wasn’t the one.  i wasn’t happy.  it took him a while to understand why and he tried to make me feel guilty and the whole nine yards.  i ignored everything he tried to do but i stuck to my guns.  i even had my lawyer draw up a 30 day notice for him to leave the house.  he knew i was serious then. 

i’m sure he got over it and so will your fi.  in the end, you will both be happier.  he may not see it now but eventually he will.

Post # 33
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Please don’t feel bad about breaking off the engagement.

I had seen red flags from my ex-husband three months prior to the wedding and decided to go ahead and just go through with the wedding… I thought maybe the wedding was stressing him out and he would return to what I thought was the real him as a kind, loving person. Turns out I was wrong. Everything just got worse after we got married. The day after the wedding, I realized I had made a HUGE mistake and everything wasn’t going to get better. I stuck it out for two and a half years and his indifference/rude comments toward me just got worse and he finally started to HATE me for reasons I couldn’t figure out. I tried to suggest counseling and he said it was my problem and that he was fine and didn’t need counseling. I finally was able to get away from him and the situation and became myself again… I am so much happier and am so glad I left. To top it off, I have found a wonderful guy who is my partner in crime and I have never had such a close, fulfilling relationship. We are engaged and are getting married in August, and I couldn’t be happier.

Don’t think twice about leaving… you deserve happiness… you only get one shot at life, you might as well live it happily. Good luck… I’m rooting for you!

Post # 34
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

It sounds as though you have made your decision, but now you need to work out how to make him understand.

You want the relationship over. And just making that decision can be very difficult. It is very easy to be swept along with planning the wedding, and then wake up unhappily married.

Talk to him again. Explain how you feel. Have a letter written, that he can read later. Hand him your engagement ring. Have some things packed. Move somewhere else for a week (a hotel, if necessary), but make it clear that you would like him to have moved out by the end of that week.

Post # 35
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@eeb01:  He sure isn’t acting like he’s 32 and ready to get married. His being selfish and not willing to listen to what you have to say doesn’t tell me he’s ready for something like that. It’s okay to leave, OP. You’re doing yourself (and him) a HUGE favor.

Post # 36
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@eeb01:  You need to leave.  LEAVE.  There is no other optino.  NONE!  But please, think of the logistics first.  Make it easy on yourself.  Ask your mom or a friend to help you move out.  Don’t tell him your moving out and then move.  You need to find a place to go first.  Don’t get sucked into it because you realize how much work it is to leave.  So come up with a plan and then tell him what you’re doing.  

Post # 37
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Sounds like you already know what you need to do in this situation – just do it.

Post # 38
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@eeb01:  IMO the best thing for you to do is move forward and not look back. Change your number, move to a different place if possible. Let your frineds and family  k now that if he tries to contact them to let him know that you don’t want to talk to him. If he has your work number, let your co-workers know that if he calls to tell him you are busy and end the call. He will eventually ge tthe hint. I can hear the struggle that you are having deep within yourself. BUT FOR ONCE, think about yourself, it doesn’t matter if you hurt him, what matters is how you will EVENTUALLY  feel after the breakup. Initailly it is going to hurt, A LOT, and you are going to doubt the decision that you made. BUT, you already knew a year ago that the relationship was not what you wanted with him. Sometimes a list of pros and cons helps, as cheesy as it sounds. I wish you the best and a life of happiness, no matter what decision you make. Just remember to put yourself first when making this decision, you are the one in charge of your happiness.

Post # 39
Member
766 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@eeb01:  Get out. Get out now. I’d have your stuff packed up, give him his ring back, get a male friend/brother/father to come help you get it and tell him that you’re done. Then block his phone number, facebook, etc. You deserve better. 

Post # 40
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

He can’t “trap you”. You get to decide to stay or leave, regardless of what happens in therapy. Just remember to keep your persepective!

Post # 41
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 I’m one of the bees that went through with the wedding because of a combination of guilt, that everyone was already there, and a fear of not having anywhere to go if I bailed. DON’T DO IT. I knew it was a mistake, but I went through with it anyway. Trust me, the divorce process is far worse than breaking an engagement.  Give him the ring and his stuff back, move out and block his number, Facebook and everything else.  It’s not worth the nightmare of waking up the morning after the wedding and realizing you made a huge mistake.

Post # 42
Member
2983 posts
Sugar bee

Is he your best friend? Do you trust him completely?  Are you passionately in love with him?  If your answers are no, no, and no, you shouldn’t be engaged to him and you certainly shouldn’t be marrying him.  

He has had his second chance.  He is a man who has no respect for your opinions and is nice to you only when he feels you are about to leave.  Imagine what he will be like if you marry him.  

Please be aware that all nice people feel some measure of guilt when they break up with someone, even someone who makes them miserable.  This is because nice people are empathetic and feel compassion for others. It just takes time to work through the guilt and realise that a person has to be true to herself.

 

Post # 43
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Leave him. The relationship is over. You have been emotionally honest with him and he has ignored you repeatedly. You have nothing to feel guilty about. 

Post # 44
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@eeb01:  If you went to therapy, would you be telling him anything different from what you told him last year when you got back together? 

You already told him what he needed to do, he didnt do it. He only seems to jump to action when there is a threat of being left. This is not your GUY. You deserve better–a guy who is going to give you what you need without threats of leaving.

Pack up his stuff, change the lock, block his phone # and FB. 

You are strong (and smart) enough to do this!

Post # 45
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@eeb01:  Don’t feel guilty – you did the right thing.  His guilt tripping is selfish, manipulative and immature.  If he truly cared about your well being he would have a mature discussion with you, not try to assert his will upon you with guilt tactics.  I can tell you, if you are uncertain, you should at least take a break.  It will be so hard at first because it will be outside of your comfort zone but marriage is a huge commitment.  If you’re uncertain but continue to go through with it, you will feel as if you’ve trapped yourself.  

 

I should know..  Someone mentioned a recent post about a bee that had been married less than two years and felt it was the wrong one.  I bet that they were talking about my story. I had a bad feeling before the wedding but I (with the help of my fiance) convinced myself that it was just stress from work and wedding planning.  Unfortunately, the feelings only became worse after the wedding.  You breaking it off is the right thing for both of you.  It may seem selfish right now but truly it is as far opposite as it could be. 

 

As for therapy, I think my husband and I will go for it… but you are in a different position and I would wonder… Are you unhappy with your relationship, or are you unhappy with the person that he is?  It kind of sounds like he is just not the right guy.  Therapy can help you work on your relationship but it won’t change who he is.  I’m sure he will change for awhile, with the fear of you leaving but I would really hate for you to be stuck with someone that’s not the one.

 

All that said, I’m so sorry you are in this position.  I hope you find hapiness in yourself and with him or someone else! Stay strong, I know it isn’t easy!

 

 

 

Post # 45
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

eeb01:  I agree with @cbgg. You don’t need therapy. You need to go out and live your life.

I was in an abusive relationship that sounded a lot like yours. He thought he could get whatever he wanted and after a while, you just have to say, it’s too much.

 

But this was 2 months ago. How are you now?

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