(Closed) HELP! I wanted to cut her out of my life but now she has breast cancer.

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 18
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I really wouldn’t worry about it.  Even though they know nothing of her believe me they probably know there is something wrong with her.   If you think your SO won’t get upset then go ahead and tell him what she’s saying.  If it will upset him I think I would just keep it to myself.  There’s nothing you can really do about it so it’s best not to upset him.  Of course, I’m sure whatever you choose to do will be best.  You know him better than anyone.  🙂 

Post # 19
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@AllieANT:  I agree that saying something like that would probably red flag them that she’s a kookoo bird. Don’t dignify it with a response.

Post # 20
Member
2908 posts
Sugar bee

Okay, the thing that really stuck out for me is that your 15 year old sibling has been called nothing but “Little Shit” instead of by his name for YEARS and this woman is still allowed to have contact with him. My son is 12. I don’t care if one of his grandmothers was mentally ill, she would NOT be permitted to continue to speak to him in that manner more than once or twice, let alone for YEARS. That’s messed up. I think your mother and to some extent you yourself have been twisted by your grandmother’s sick behavior over the years and have come to see this as, maybe not okay, but something you have to put up with.

It’s NOT.

This woman is seriously messed up in the head — it doesn’t matter if it’s because she’s mentally ill or just a hideous human being. You have a RESPONSIBILITY, for your own mental health and that of your family, to cut off contact with her and do whatever else is needed (I would recommend therapy) to recover from the damage she has done.

I’m so sorry.

Post # 21
Member
2908 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think you need to do damage control behind the scenes — that would be giving her even more power over you and your life than she already has. I think, if anyone ever brings up something she’s said, you should sigh and roll your eyes and say something like, “Oh, God, is she at it again? I’m so sorry you had to listen to her ramblings. Everything she says is a lie, you can’t believe a word she says.”

Post # 22
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@AllieANT:  Sweetheart, she’s an a**. That’s the thing about family, you can’t pick ’em but you have to deal with them. Don’t get involved. You don’t need to. And I highly recommend no one in your family does either. And when she comes over, don’t open the door. She is a sick woman who needed help years ago and refused it. That doesn’t give her the right to hurt you verbally, emotionally, or physically. You can and probably should tell your SO about it, because he is your future support system. You two will be a family and have to deal with this. Either with her physically now or with the emotions later. I had a crazy step-grandma. Not nearly as bad but yes, undiagnosed mental illness. It interfered with our relationship with my grandpa because we didn’t want to be around her but at the end of her life, she only had my mom. They became close then and the illness was diagnosed. Perhaps, if she is violent or mean enough and sick enough, a care facility will diagnose her and put her on a psych hold.

Good luck, sweetie!

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@redheadem:  Damn straight!

Post # 23
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

How awful 🙁  I seriously hope that she doesn’t have much longer on this earth, for the sake of the health and happiness of everyone that she has contact with. The sad truth is, some peolpe are just poison. No need for you to feel like you owe her something just because she has cancer. Sounds like therapy would be good for your whole family. 

I hope I’m not coming across as being insensitive to the mentally ill, but everybody has to look out for themselves and the children that they are responsible for. I mean what if this woman’s disease was that she was constantly just punching out everyone around her? This is the emotional equivalent of that. It’s sad for her, but she just shouldn’t be around anyone. 

Post # 25
Member
3418 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

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@AllieANT:  YOU NEED TO LOVE ME!!!

my ass….

Post # 26
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I just want to chime in and say that you don’t owe her any more respect than she has earned – sick or healthy. Yes, it’s sad that she’s sick, but it doesn’t make her a different person. When she passes away, go ahead and mourn the relationship that you never had with her…but know that it was because she didn’t allow it. 

You don’t deserve to be treated that way by such a manipulative person – whether she’s insulting you or your loved ones, it’s still designed to hurt. 

I once read that all too often when we are dealing with a manipulative and controlling person, and we finally break the ties or start accepting that they are no longer part of our lives…”something” happens that reels us back in – death of a pet, sickness, some sort of accident, etc. Not that it’s necessarily orchestrated by the manipulator themselves, but that these things tend to happen, and we can’t let it halt the progress we’ve made. 

Again, when she’s sick…when she passes away, go ahead and mourn what you never had with her…but don’t feel guilty. You’ve done more than enough already. 

Post # 27
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My grandma on my dads side and I had a similar relationship and she diplayed similar behavior. Anyway, I cut her out of my life knowing she was dying over a dramatic situation that she put me in. I sent a LOT of time decided if I would regret not saying goodbye to her and ultimately decided I wouldn’t. I recommend you spend time considering this for yourself and come to your own conclusion. Also if you do decide that you don’t want to deal with it, call the phone company and have her number blocked so you don’t have to listen to her messages. Send her a message explaining that you have done this than block her email. Refuse to discuss it with your family and leave if they bring it up. Completely wash your hands of it. Good luck and I hope you spend the time to make a decision you can live with for the rest of your life. I’m sorry she is putting you in this situation. Frown

Post # 28
Member
11226 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@AllieANT:  But I realize that’s not love, it’s manipulation.

YES. Please keep this in mind. I know how hard it is (I’ve been here before), but she is only trying to pull you in so that she can hurt you more.

Post # 29
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My grandmother from my mother’s side was abusive.

My mother caught her telling me that I was too fat to ever be loved when I was 3. 

My mother took her aside and said, “You are my mother, so I am forced to love you.  My children however, never have to love you.  If you mistreat them, they will hate you.”

And you know what?  She was right.

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