(Closed) Help! I’m a MOH, but don’t want to return favor..

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I ask Her to be a BM?
    Yes : (2 votes)
    5 %
    No : (28 votes)
    76 %
    If you don't want to loose her as a friend. : (7 votes)
    19 %
  • Post # 3
    602 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    What an awkward situation.

    I don’t feel that you have to ask her to be in your bridal party just because she asked you, but try to break the news gently to her. I’d wait until after her wedding to do it, though.

    Good luck!

    Post # 4
    1763 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I don’t think you need to ask to be in your wedding party. If you think it will change your friendship and that would bother you, could you ask her to be your personal attendant or give her another small role.

    As far as the speech you could make it general, speak about what love is and wich them the best of luck in the future together. MAybe some kind of short poem.

    Post # 5
    1160 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    Just tell her you wanted to keep the wedding party small. Use the time-honored, “If I didn’t, then the wedding party would be like 50 people!” I have 2 dear friends who got married and opted for tiny bridal parties, as did I, and no friendships were ruined–we all understood. If she is upset enough about this to let it ruin your friendship, then that’s her problem.

    Post # 6
    274 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    At least until after her wedding, I would avoid talking any details about your own, which I am sure you are doing.  When she wants to talk about your wedding, try to shift focus onto her, and say “I’m not going to start planning until AFTER your wedding!  This is your time!”  Or something like that.  Then when it comes to finally telling her who will be in your wedding party, just tell her that’s it has ALWAYS been your vision to have just your old friend and cousin.  If she’s a good friend she thinks she is, she can’t argue that and be understanding.

    Post # 7
    5271 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    First, I totally get where you are coming from! I have had something similar happen to me twice w/ coworkers. One chick told everyone we were best friends and would call me all hours of the night to talk about her bf – literally I never once hung out with this chick outside of work! And she would tell me that I was her closest friend. Then another coworker whom I never spoke with contacted me a year after she left saying she missed me & wanted me to go to her wedding, the whole situation was awkward b/c she wanted me to go to her shower & bachelorette party and we were by no means friends when we worked together, not to metnion that we didn’t speak after she left the job.

    SO, in terms of your situation, I would tell her that when you were younger you promised your long time friend that she would be Maid/Matron of Honor in your wedding & you in hers (even if this part isn’t true, lie.) and then say that you also promised the other two girls, long before you met your coworker that they would one day be in your wedding. So sadly, as much as you want her to be in your wedding 😉 that you made these promises long ago & then give her a “special” job and ask her to do “X” like pass our programs, or help with a particular aspect of the wedding that way you show her that she is “important.”

    Post # 8
    11325 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Okay so first I think its a little strange that you waffle back and forth between saying you “barely know her” and she’s a “good friend.” I’m inclined to believe the latter… which is that you two are “good friends” (probably kind of work-bffs, I think we’ve all been there), but she just isn’t one of your best friends or even someone you necessarily hang out with a lot after work. If that’s the case, I think you need to cut her a little slack on how weird it is that she asked you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor. Maybe she just doesn’t have a lot of female friends and you’re the one she talks to most often so she thought you’d be the best one to be her Maid/Matron of Honor. I know that isn’t really the point of your post but I feel a litle badly for her because it seems like you’re maybe acting like a friend to her when you’re around her then when she isn’t around being like “her? I don’t know her.” 

    Anyways, about  your wedding…  I agree with pp who say when she asks about your wedding right now just tell her that you’re probably just going to wait to do a lot of planning until after her wedding, and even then you’re going to “let your mom take care of a lot of it” because your’e not that into it or something. (Although other than dress shopping I don’t really see why you couldn’t include her in the other chatting/planning really). As for her being a bridesmaid, I would just tell her that you’re having a small bridal party of just your oldest friends, maybe throw in a “me and Jane have been talking about being each others MOHs since we were in high school” or something. 

    But, overall, I would just try to be as nice as possible without actually lying. 

    Post # 11
    1489 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @Munky: I would let her know that you have picked people already. I understand that she is a friend so maybe you can give her something to do so she does not feel totally left out.

    Post # 12
    274 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    @Munky:  Well, I’ve known my two BMs since high school, more than ten years now (wow…) but my Maid/Matron of Honor is a friend from college.  I picked my Maid/Matron of Honor because I couldn’t choose between my high school friends without hurting any feelings.  Feelings may not have been hurt, but I didn’t want to take the chance.  But if there was zero chance of that happening, I would have picked one of my HS friends as Maid/Matron of Honor.  However as time passed, I made the right choice.  So maybe her picking you over her much closer friends may be due to keeping the peace.  I don’t know, just an idea.

    Post # 14
    367 posts
    Helper bee

    To be honest, if someone from my wedding party didn’t ask me to be in theirs, I’d be very upset. I would just add one more person to the bridal party to avoid hurt feelings. If that’s not an option, could you maybe ask her to do something else special for you on the big day (like a reading during the ceremony, or carrying your train, or leading a flower girl, or something) so she doesn’t feel slighted?

    Post # 15
    679 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    First, I don’t think you have to ask someone just because you were in theirs.  Everyone’s family and friend dynamics are different, and that should be understood.  If that were the case, my best friend would have had over 30 people as BMs since she’s stood up in LOTS of weddings.

    As far as the speech goes, find a nice poem and read it, don’t worry about having anecdotes to talk about.

    Post # 16
    583 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    @Munky:   I can see why you don’t want her as ur Maid/Matron of Honor but you really don’t want her even in ur wedding party?? i mean what could it hurt??

    The topic ‘Help! I’m a MOH, but don’t want to return favor..’ is closed to new replies.

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