(Closed) Help in the bedroom

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

Awww big hugs. My FI and I have had these talks before. Sometimes, things just go off…but things will get back on track! 🙂

My concern is the talk itself…he opened a convo with you and it sounds like he wanted to vent, then sort of pointed fingers at you without asking what the issue may be. He just assumed. This then probably insulted or offended you, and then to turn it around, it sounds like you started bringing up reasons why and also defending yourself.

these responses are natural, so please stick with me on my advice so far. 🙂

I think when a guy opens up and says anything, it is very important to listen and acknowledge what he is saying. I am a believer that men love to fix problems (and leaning on my management experience) I tend to put situations back into other people’s laps and ask them how they would fix it.

Here is an example:

FI: Honey, you are not initiating sex very often, is it because of body issues?

YOU: I would love to initiate sex more often with you…lets talk about this more. It sounds like this is really bothering you…

FI: Ya, Ive thought about this. I just want you to initiate, I like it…

YOU: You like it when you don’t have to always do the work?

FI: Ya

YOU: Well, I am happy you brought this up. Do you mind if I make a suggestion..and thne we can go right back to talking about your concern?

FI: Sure.

YOU: Well, I would love to initiate more,  I think for me, I just need a little more touching…verbal stuff to reassure me a  bit. It takes a lot of confidence to just go up and say I want it…can we try something…let me know what you think, but here is my idea: (OR, ASK HIM WHAT HIS SUGGESTION IS FIRST)

FI: Okayyy…

YOU: How about we try next week where we make a love jar. Your jar is little folded paper notes of one small act of kindness that I would love for you to do for me, that would also help me be put in the mood.

MY Jar is little folded paper notes with different ways you would like me to initiate. IE: Initiate wearing heels, or maybe just come up to you and start givving a bj…

What do you think? Do you like it or did you want to suggest something else?

The thing is, you want to move through the problem, focus on solving the issue, move on and also give him the chance to solve it on his own or make suggestions.

I think he wanted to kinda whine a bit, but hadn’t thought through how he wanted to finish the convo. IT takes two! 🙂

Try the chat again, and good luck!

 

Post # 4
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Persoanally I was REALLY disturbed by

“but he cut me off and said that’s what he wanted and we were talking about his needs so I shouldn’t talk about mine”

That is so NOT cool! It takes two to tango so I would be asking when IS a good time to talk about your needs?

Post # 5
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think if you’re feeling ignored and that your needs aren’t being met and he feels his needs aren’t being met, that IS the conversation.  The blame game is childish and it is not conducive to a healthy relationship or sex life. 

The goal is how to get both of you want you want.  His communication skills onthis one are a no go and got him nowhere.  He needs to open up a conversation where you an both be comfortable expressing yourselves.  When it comes tbe relationships I believe you should be able to talk about anything.  

 

Post # 6
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@KT808:  I was also concerned about that.

Post # 7
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee

Have another talk with him, and say that you felt brushed aside, and now its YOUR TURN TO TALK.   Both of your needs are important in this relationship, and the sex adds to the relationship as a whole. Its not th emost important, bur it is a factor that cannot be ignored. But when you talk, dont be rash, but be firm, make sure it sounds more a conversation, not a lecture. But you do have to have your say in this whole tiffy.

Post # 8
Member
5664 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well it’s not fair or productive for him to say “I want this” without thinking he has to work towards that too! And it’s not just about his needs, usually it takes two people’s mutual understandings in order to meet each persons needs. I kind of sounds like he wanted to express the issue but didn’t want to be the target, and didn’t want to feel like it was HIS fault, which is pretty typical for a guy. Definitely re address this with him and tell him you want to have an open conversation about it and how you can work together to be better together intimately. And make sure he knoyou there is no blame here just open communication.

Also does he KNOW your love language? Did he read that section of the book?

Post # 9
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

if at all possible  make him listen to you tell him you feel ignored if that doesnt help  and when the moment stricks if youhome alone get his attention 

I seen it in a movie once that she walked right infront of her boyfriend butt nakid acting if nothing was going on didnt smirk at her Boyfriends smiles just grabed a soda and walked back to her room LMAO 

lets just say if that doesnt get his attention that you want some then i have no idea what can LOL

 

before you try this if you do make sure you try to talk to him about your needs tell him how you feel and when he says okay dear i understand and he still doesnt take a move then go in for the kill:)

 

 

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