HELP- Is he cheating on me? What's going on?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 211
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

dalia88 :  I probably would have waited to actually talk about it face to face. But my gut tells me that he’s not reaching out for a reason. So he’s most likely guilty.

Sorry you’re in this situation!

Post # 212
Member
741 posts
Busy bee

You were adamant that this was so weird and out of character, it seems strange that you would move out before he even came back. 

Post # 214
Member
3789 posts
Honey bee

dalia88 :  a little tough love.

You don’t just meet bad men. Bad men are drawn to you like a moth to a flame. They can read (immediately) that they will be able to manipulate and gaslight you. Why is up to you to figure out with a good therapist. Until you do, don’t date. Focus on yourself. You are not destined to be alone, but at the moment you are predisposed to crappy relationships with douchebags. 

I can tell you are very smart, but your self esteem is shot. Otherwise, you would not have put up with this guy’s bullshit for the last 9 months or moved in with him in a different city so quickly.

Please focus on building yourself up, not a man.

Post # 215
Member
44 posts
Newbee

dalia88 :  You’re not wrong, he cheated.  You don’t need to see or talk to him ever again.  Send someone else to get your stuff.  I’ve lived through the same stuff only my situation was a little worse than yours.  Don’t worry, your life will be so much better without him.  And I’m pretty sure you’ll meet someone else (after taking some good time for yourself).

Post # 216
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

dalia88 :  “And I did not move out, I went away for a while.”

Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/help-is-he-cheating-on-me-whats-going-on/#ixzz4jWUb8Qhg

 

Three things:

1. If you “just went away for a while”, as you jjust said, it most probably follows that you intend to go back (and by this I mean get back with him) if he miraculously says something that will change your mind and make everything right again (i.e., sweep red flags under the carpet again).

2. You seem to be (understandably) expecting him to truly apologize, see the mistake in his ways, crawl to you and beg you to come back.

3. This might be news to you. I don’t really think you love and want HIM specifically. What you really crave for is someone who will love you, respect you and build a family with you. You were gaslighting yourself and forcing yourself to believe he was fit for that role. He is not.

if you think being almost 30 is running out of time, it’s yet another reason to go away and never look back. He won’t give you what you want. Do you really want marriage and kids that bad to the point of submitting yourself to an abusive and unhealthy relationship that would make you – and your future kids – unhappy? 

Post # 217
Member
925 posts
Busy bee

lifetimegoals :  Wth? Are you reading her updates? She seems pretty damn done with him. As for her wanting him to apologize, she said she doesn’t expect it and wouldn’t accept but feels like shit that he isn’t trying to reach out to her. When my ex cheated on me, I was crushed that he wasn’t trying to beg and please for me to forgive him. He just let me go. I didn’t want to keep him and would have said no, but it sucks feeling so disposable.

Post # 218
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

countingstars :  I’ve read everything, and, having been through something similar, also reading between the lines – feelings, fears, and hopes. I might be mistaken – and in this specific case I would love to be wrong, really. But history does tend to repeat itself from time to time… 

I still don’t think she’s 100% done with him, no. I feel like she’s still hoping for a plot twist. 

I only wish OP the best, that’s why I bothered to write to her. 

Post # 219
Member
5509 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

lifetimegoals :  

With her latest updates, that’s the feeling I got too. Her wording changed and became more hopeful, now she’s saying she went away for a while.

I’m seeing what you’re seeing too 🙁

Post # 220
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee

OP, how are you doing??

Post # 221
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I’m going to throw out a whole different situation to consider. This may not be the case, but I wish someone would have at raised the question with me. I was married 16 years. Happily married. We had vacations planned. We had just purchased a vacation home to spend winters and eventual retirement. For the past 3 years, he had a new job where he was traveling weekly. I fully trusted him…unitl I inadventently found condoms and lube in one of his bags. We had never used condoms and his initimacy with me had waned for many years, so this was a big red flag. After some investigating, I shockingly figured out he was having casual hookups with men. The day I confronted him, he denied, packed and moved out. A month later he admitted he was gay and wanted a divorce. Like you, this was a total shock to me. He was married before and had children from his first marrigae so this never entered my mind. Like I said, this may not be your situtaion, but I’m putting it out there just in case. Closeted gays want to look normal and use their partners to hide thier real selves. Gaslighting is part of their narcissitic behavior. In either case, of course you are devastated to find out the person you trusted and thought loved you could be deceitful and possibly a cheater. If you want to learn about red flags for a gay spouse, check out straightspouse.org. Another support for being cheated on is chumplady.com or chumplady on Facebook. I certainly understand your pain right now.

Post # 222
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

In one of your previous posts, when you divorced your ex, you wrote “I can’t imagine being 27 and starting this all over.” Now three years later, you’re breaking up with this boyfriend and writing “I can’t imagine being 30 and starting this all over.” 

I can imagine you don’t want to be writing the same exact thing another three years from now. You had significant red flags along the way with this guy and you chose to look the other way. Those guys were bad and they hurt you, but you picked them. You need to take some time to figure out how to be better to yourself so you don’t find yourself in this situation again. 

30 is not even close to “too old” to be doing this, or to find the person who values, respects and appreciates you. The worst thing you can do right now is make decisions based on fear or panic. 

Glad you’re in NYC. Take care of yourself and stay strong. You know you deserve better, but it starts with you. 

Post # 223
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

You’re doing the right thing. Hope you keep us updated. Thinking about you. 

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