Help! Is my boyfriend being abusive?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5856 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

It doesn’t sound like you are getting anything out of this relationship.  You already know he his abusive, manipulative and controlling.  Don’t stay and let this get worse. 

You deserve much better than this.

Do you live with him?  

Post # 3
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

This is all textbook emotional abuse. I know because I have been in pretty much the exact same position. I contacted a local women’s shelter for advice and help getting out. The man there helped me by contacting a local attorney for advice about our living situation, and helped me by just listening. If you can seek out a local shelter like this I would highly recommend it. They would have also let me stay there had I needed to. It is extremely difficult to do, but you can leave. You deserve better. Good luck, Bee 

Post # 4
Member
6140 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Comment removed for snark.

Post # 5
Member
3000 posts
Sugar bee

Yes.  

Post # 6
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

Yes he is and you know it. You also know you need to leave – the other “great” times are irrelavant. Leave.

Post # 7
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

– Him wanting to check your phone means he doesn’t trust you

– Him looking at your social media isn’t a big deal.

– Him wanting you to put photos of you on social media isn’t a big deal. Why wouldn’t you if you’re together?

– Suspicious of you dressing nice = mistrust

– I agree with not drinking alcohol while out with friends if you’re going to have a ton of drinks and get wasted. That’s just irresponsible, but he wants you not to do it because he thinks you’ll cheat, which again means mistrust

– Accusing you of cheating is wrong if you’ve done nothing wrong

I feel like you two have a lot of communication issues. Fighting and saying hurtful things, while sucky, is pretty normal in my opinion – not something that should happen ALL the time, but people say things when they’re angry. You both need to work on your communication skills, but him specifically because giving the silent treatment doesn’t solve anything. Sometimes people need a breather though after an argument – does he try to talk to about the situation after a breather? If not, you should start.

Is there a reason he doesn’t trust you? Have you been unfaithful in the past?

If not, you need to sit down and really think about what you like about this guy. What makes you want to be with him? What he’s doing is being emotionally abusive, and it’s NOT okay.

You need to sit him down and see if he wants to work it out. But HE has to admit his wrong-doings, HE has to work on his end to stop accusing you and controlling you. People CAN change – I was doing similar things to my SO in the beginning of our relationship, but I changed because I love him and what I was doing was wrong. If he isn’t willing to admit what he’s doing is wrong and try to change for you, then yes, I do suggest you leave.

But don’t stay just because the other half of the relationship is great. Fighting is normal, on occasion, but you two have some issues you really need to resolve if the relationship is going to work.

Post # 8
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee

Yes, he sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive. Please get out. 

If you’re not sure how to end the relationship or feel like you might be in danger, please reach out to the domestic violence hotline: 

1−800−799−7233

Post # 9
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

View original reply
monica1609 :  

Sounds like he is projecting his insecurities onto you. He could be the one cheating on you and has a guilty conscious. He knows what he is doing and is thinking you are out there doing the same thing.  You already know that he is abusive, controlling and manipulative.

Why continue the relationship when it sounds like you are unhappy and things are not progressing in a positive way but progressively getting worse? You deserve better than this. You should consider cutting ties before you get deeper involved or he tries to trap you with a baby. It is possible. There are men out there that will try to trap you by getting you pregnant. 

Post # 10
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
simplebee92 : You need to sit him down and see if he wants to work it out.

That is terrible advice. You can’t “work it out” with an abuser. It’s irresponsible to suggest that as a possibility — you do not know what this man is capable of and whether he is violent. 

Your post acknowledges that he is emotionally abusive, but also normalizes a lot of unhealthy behavior, like saying intentionally degrading/hurtful things during fights (verbal abuse), checking up on her social media (control/surveillance), and pressuring her to post photos of them together (control and marking his territory). Those are all behaviors that abusers often exhibit. While having disagreements and occasional fights is normal in healthy relationships, intentionally saying things hurtful enough to make your partner cry is NOT. 

Post # 11
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Yes, he’s abusive. And he’s also cheating on you, I’d bet 100% of my bank account. People who are overly suspicious and accuse people of cheating are often the cheaters.

Post # 12
Member
3133 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Yes, this is emotional abuse.  Usually it eventually escalates to verbal and physical abuse.  You should dump his ass!  Life is too short to willingly choose to be treated like shit by someone who is supposed to love and cherish you!

Post # 13
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Yes, he is abusive. You don’t need people on the internet to tell you that, though. 

Look in your heart. You know yourself best and you know how you need to be treated. 

Respect yourself Bee. 

You say you are in Unviersity, that is a great thing! So many wonderful activities and people to meet. Don’t let this negative a&&hole drag you down with his misery and insecurities. 

Giving you the silent treatment/stone walling is a classic example of an abuser trying to control his victim. It leaves you in a panicked state of wind wondering what will happen next? 

Don’t wait for him. Make your own move about your life and take charge about what YOU want and need in life.

Don’t take this anymore! I hope you find the courage to leave him. 

Good luck, 

Post # 14
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
browneyedgirl24 :  I never said he WASN’T abusive. I never said it’s OKAY. Actually, I said it’s NOT okay.

There is a big difference between emotional and physical abuse. OP never indicated he is violent.

We don’t know if OP ever cheated on him to determine if that’s WHY he is acting the way he is. We don’t know WHY he is the way he is.

My point was that he needs to CHANGE. And people are capable of that, and if he changes you don’t know things CAN’T get better. Just because you wouldn’t stay with someone and help them through their problems doesn’t mean other people aren’t willing to. And OP absolutely doesn’t HAVE to, she could just leave and forget him. My point is that he MAY be capable of change, and getting him to realize he has to is the first step – hence sitting him down and discussing it.

People like this aren’t criminals. They have something wrong inside them and it CAN be fixed. If my boyfriend gave up on me, I couldn’t have blamed him, but he didn’t – he stayed with me and we fixed it, and now I’m completely fine.

OP can choose to stay or go. I addressed the situation from a perspective of if she wants to stay, because everyone else already told her to leave.

I just don’t feel every situation is black and white.

Post # 15
Member
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
simplebee92 :  It is black and white. Abusers don’t change. Look it up. Even a minute of research will show you they don’t. You may have altered your behavior, but your advice is poor and sounds like it is coming from a place where you want to make what you did okay or less severe. Which it may have been. Some people bring unhealthy habits into a relationship and discover they are unhealthy and change. That is NOT what this is. This is textbook emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse often escalates to physical abuse. But even if it doesn’t, some studies have shown that emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse and may be harder to get over.

Regardless, you are enabling abuse.

View original reply
monica1609 :  This is a man who manipulates you and lies to you. This is a man who doesn’t care at all about your feelings and wants to have sex with you regardless of if you are ready or not. This is a man who obsesses over you and controls you. This is not a good man. He will continue to hurt you. Things WILL get worse if you stay. Your good times will become less regular.

Look up the cycle of abuse. Abusers use good times intentionally. It makes it harder to leave and helps their victims overlook the abuse. Things are good until they are not and then at the abuser’s whim, they are good again. You can’t have a life like this.

Check out this site: https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/ 

You deserve so much more than how this man treats you. You deserve to be loved and treated with kindness. You deserve someone consistent and trusting. You deserve someone who will never intentionally hurt you, manipulate you, lie to you, control you, insult you.  

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