(Closed) HELP – just married and depressed

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think you need to give it some more time. Even if you don’t seem to think that living together and all that first year stuff applies to you, clearly there has been a shift in your mindset about what marriage means and what the expectations are. I also struggle with generalized anxiety and after big milestones–moving in together, marriage, etc. I tend to have a night or two where I just lie there awake thinking about everything that could go wrong or the finality of decisions we have made. And then reality sets in and I remember that I love my husband and this was a choice we made together and there is nothing to be afraid of.  

Post # 3
Member
5992 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Agree with PP. Also, your husband is your best friend and you should tell him how you feel. Let him know that you would love to do some traveling, go dancing with him, have some drinks, let loose. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t do these things anymore- you now have a best friend who can come along with you!

Post # 4
Member
47422 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have you seen your doctor or therapist since the wedding?

Post # 6
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee

I reiterate what the others have said — are you working on a treatment plan with a psychiatrist and a therapist? It’s possible, though not clear, that you’re misattributing your general misery caused by clinical depression to the marriage, and that you’re misattributing general emotional distance caused by the depression to your marriage. 

I also suddenly went through a partying stage at 22/23. It ended around 24. It was brief, when I look back at it, it wasn’t that great (for me, I can see why others like it), but I was glad to have experienced it just the same.  So what you’re feeling might also feel normal. 

But I would make sure you’re getting help from professionals, and maybe see if you can try some of that going out and stuff even while married. Have a conversation with your husband. 

Post # 8
Member
656 posts
Busy bee

As others have suggested I would make an appointment with a professional .

I just wanted to add – You can still do all those things now that you’re married. You don’t have to do everything with your husband. If you want to go dancing, go out with some girlfriends, want to go to a bar? Call a friend. You can still live a fully independant life even though you are married. Yes you need to take your husbands thoughts/feelings into consideration, but it shouldn’t dictate every decision you make.

Post # 9
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - backyard

Getting married is a huge change! Like others have suggested, make an appointment with your therapist. I had a lot of anxiety about how to live my life after marriage, since I’d been single and independent for 10 years on my own! I would try to aim for one night a week where you do your own thing. My husband and I are in our 30s and we both wanted marriage to better our lives, not make it worse! We still do a lot of things with our individual friends and we also spend time together, but it took a few months to get that balance and we’re still figuring it out. Since you have anxiety about starting a family, I would also recommend giving yourselves at least one year to just enjoy being married before trying to have a baby.

Post # 10
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2026

You’re never too old to party. My friend’s boyfriend is 32 and he still goes to clubs. In fact, he goes more often than she does. Party party all you want. Age shouldn’t stop you if that’s what you’re worried about.

You should have your own hobbies, so no you don’t have to worry about the husband when you’re out. He’s capable of taking care of himself. He’s an adult that has a lived without you. 

Post # 11
Member
4229 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This is concerning.  Highly concerning.  You are feeling trapped.  You are feeling unhappy and “hopeless”.  That’s big.

First step like everyone else has said, is therapy.  Lots of it.

Second step is to throw out this idea that marriage basically is the end-all, be-all.  You CAN go out dancing.  You CAN go out for a drink once in a while.  My husband and I go out to a bar every blue moon to watch a baseball game or to hang out with friends or whatever.  We’re not party types, we’re not the type who love crowds, and we’re not the type who love lots of noise and chaos.  We’ll get a drink, people watch, listen to live music, and be home within an hour.

Third, I find it interesting that his mom lives with you.  I wonder if that has something to do with your unhappiness.  Sure you have a house and all that, but as much as I love my mother in law I would NEVER want to live under the same roof as her unless absolutely necessary.  You say she’s doing your laundry, cleaning your room, making you dinner…where’s the independence?  You are adults, and newlyweds but you’re being taken care of by your mother in law.  You keep saying your husband takes care of you…but it sounds like it’s her.

It sounds to me like even though this marriage seems perfect on paper something isn’t quite right.  A therapist can help you dissect that.  Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
3802 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Well, I’ll say yes, it’s the depression messing with your feelings. You don’t just stop loving someone because you signed a bit of paper. The commitment seems to have freaked you out a bit. You seem to have a kind of mental idea that marriage = no more fun ever. That isn’t true! Your husband sounds lovely. Go see a therapist and tell your husband you’re feeling like you’re in a rut. I certainly think you can be happy again.

Post # 13
Member
280 posts
Helper bee

All of the above, and also that when you are single and your time is your own to do as you please, it can be jolting to think now you have someone else to consider (i.e. like if you wanted to go shopping after work and skip dinner/eat late, or only eat a snack, or stay on the computer all evening, now you can’t because you have a husband waiting for dinner, that sort of thing). It could even make you a little resentful like you have to give up your independence and what felt like freedom, and now feel bound when you hadn’t felt that way when single…but remember there is a transitional period going from being on your own to sharing your life with someone else. Marriage is a wonderful thing but not everyone adjusts right away. It could feel threatening to you now, but it sounds like you have a very loving husband.

Post # 14
Member
308 posts
Helper bee

I have a feeling that you feel trapped more due to your “culture/religion” than what you believe your marriage represents. Maybe you need to look into that part more (supressed feelings/strict childhood).  Marriage isnt suppose to make you feel trapped, nor will it take away your opportunity to explore new things (such as drinking/dancing or travel).  Your husband will understand and support you. Plan a girls night here and there, and let loose if you must! You will then crave those nights cuddling on the couch.  Also let him know that you want the two of you to go out every so often, that you still need to for your sanity since you are so young (and so is he btw, 30 is not old at all!).  Hope it works out, i believe it truly will, just needs some time and an optimistic outlook!

Post # 15
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

Marriage doesn’t mean that your life has to end. 

Me and my Fiance may not be married but we still live our lives. We do things together and apart. We’ve just come back from a bar together right now in fact. He every so often (about 3 times a year) goes out with his friends and arrives home at 5am (the time bars close in Spain). You can still live. Marriage doesn’t mean a dead end for your life. 

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