Post # 1
I’ve been on the boards for years now but going anon this time.
I was with SO for 5 years since I was 19 (24 now) and he is 33, with a few breakups through the years initiated by me. I ended things with him 4 days ago and am terrified I’m going to cave and get back with him again… But I need to move on for my own sake, and my own health. I know I need to be strong but it is extremely difficult.
We have so much fun together sometimes, but it really was a bad relationship. He is abusive towards me, has major anger problems and often breaks things (he’s even gotten so mad at me that he crashed his car into the side of the garage on purpose), then blames me, and he doesn’t care about my goals in life and often dismisses them.
I’m feeling very alone. Because of his controlling and abusive nature, he alienated me so that I don’t have very many friends. I literally only have two friends who I’m only somewhat close with. My family lives across the country and I live alone.
I have two weeks of vacation before I go back to work and I’m feeling lonely and need to keep myself busy so that I don’t cave and take him back.
Any advice you all have to offer is very much appreciated.
Post # 2
Your safety, sanity, and self respect are more important than returning back to him
Post # 3
If I could give you a hug, I would! Good for you for following your gut and getting out of there – it sounds like this was the right thing for you to do. You should never have to deal with abuse or violence from a significant other.
A vacation sounds like a fantastic idea. I would take the time to treat yourself (emotionally, physically) and refocus on YOU – take a daytrip to a local place you’ve never visited, take up a new hobby like yoga or amateur photography, give yourself a DIY mani/padi or a bath…do whatever it is that makes YOU happy! And of course, reconnect with as many friends and family as you can, while trying to make new friends at local events (farmers market, book clubs, etc). Supportive relationships will make this so much easier to get through, and eventually you’ll come out the other side stronger and more empowered.
Post # 4
You’re worth so much more than this, do not give him the power any longer. Alienating you from friends and family, the yelling, screaming hissy fits – all text book signs of an abuser. They do this because they think they are strong and powerful and try to make you feel you are the weaker when really they are are just childish little f**ker’s.
Life is too short, and shouldn’t be this hard (and believe me, when you find someone worthy of you, it’s really not!). Stay away! Keep strong – you can do this!!
Post # 5
Sending love your way. I’ve watched a family member struggle to leave her abusive spouse for years, and I’m now lucky enough to be watching her experience a life of happiness on her own. I don’t have much else to add from what other bees have said, but please love yourself enough not to accept any part of that behavior of his.
Do not contact him. Do not accept contact from him. Repeat these things out loud to yourself if it’s what you have to do. You are worth more than this.
Post # 6
Find your closest abuse shelter or centre for surviving abuse and call them asap. These centers deal with all kinds of abuse and emotional abuse can be one of the worst kinds. They will arrange free counseling for you and give you the emotional support you desperately need right now so that you don’t go back. Don’t be afraid. There is help out there but you can’t do it alone. You’ve taken the first step but ask for help to get you through to the end. Good luck ☺
Post # 7
Good for you for taking the first step – every step you take away from him will make your life better. Go “no contact” and work on rebuilding your self esteem, your emotional and physical health. Take walks, work on a project, stay in touch with Bees!! Sending you huge hugs, you have my admiration and my very best wishes. Years ago I walked in your footsteps – it isn’t easy at first but it gets better, and easier the farther you get down the path to freedom.
Post # 8
Are you able to move to wear your family is?
Post # 9
ughh, two weeks is a lot of downtime and a lot of time to think about stuff.
You’re right in that you need to keep yourself busy doing something. I second talking to someone about your break up and seeking out a shelter to help you out.
Could you ask your parents or family to fly you out to where they live if youdont have the $$.
Id’ say volunteer, but can you do that in 2 weeks? I am unsure.
Good luck. You needed to leave for your own health and sanity. The chocie was correct, and you can overcome this. Stay positive.
Post # 10
if you haven’t yet, you might want to write a list of all of the awful things that he did – when he scared you, when he broke things, when he threatened you, how he made you feel, things that someone should never say to someone they love that he said to you, jealousies that made no sense, that he made you cut ppl off in your life, how he made you not want to tell ppl about how he treated you, how inconsequential things were that “provoked” him to blow up, his double standards for you vs him. I made a long list like this after I left an abusive ex. Of course I couldn’t even remember half of it. It helps to remember that your love for him is not enough and the way that he showed “love” for you, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Get into new activities. Anything you stopped doing bc he was so jealous? Maybe you’d like to join a co-Ed sports league or get some new clothes or makeup? Take up running or spinning or swimming or dancing or some solo sport or gym classes. Dig into trashy tv or movies. Even watching say yes to the dress or shows like that, it can be crazy to see who’s FI’s are obviously controlling/not good guys and to remind yourself of what good is. For any romantic stuff, remember all the awful stuff your ex did and how that’s not acceptable for anyone else, so it’s not okay treatment for you either. Binge watch series- the sopranos, the wire, game of thrones, boardwalk empire, stranger things, bones, breaking bad, catastrophe, unbreakable kimmy Schmitt, Orange is the new black, house of cards, grace and Frankie, the killing, blacklist, how to get away w murder, transparent.
Best of luck and please post here if you need strength again.
Post # 11
Thank you all so much for your responses.
I like your advice- I hadn’t thought of making a list of the awful things he does. I am definitely going to do this. I feel like it’s really hard to emotionally detach from someone you’ve been with that long and love despite their major faults. It’s very easy to think that things will change and he would be a different man, or to forget some of the horror I’ve had to go through.
Unfortunately not. In addition to working I’m starting school part-time this fall and cannot move at this time.
I’m trying to keep busy with things but going to visit my family I doubt will help that much. My mother lives on a farm alone across the country and my sister is going to school in Melbourne, Australia. I would probably be just as depressed flying to an isolated farm in the middle of nowhere, and there’s no sense in me trying to go visit my sister- she’s busy and Australia is a very long flight.
Post # 12
Take a trip by yourself somewhere new, it doesn’t need to be far. Traveling by yourself is such a great way to build confidence, you might surprise yourself.
Post # 13
Get counselling! They can help you build your self esteem and see things objectively, as well as how to avoid repeating this mistake in the future. Then if you feel yourself being pulled back you can go to the counsellor first and they will help you through it.
Post # 14
I second The List. It’s very powerful.
I went through similar feelings when I left my abusive ex h. It wasn’t long before I met the kind and gentle man who would become my now dh. Life gets so much better when you are free.
Hang in there, Bee. We are here for you.