(Closed) Help lifting my spirits after a negative reactions from my sister

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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astromberg:  Congratulations on your very exciting news. This is such a special time, and one where you should only entertain happy thoughts and people, wherever humanly possible!

If this were my sister, I would not hesitate to send a message back saying that her opinions were not needed or welcome, and should be kept to herself in the future. I wouldn’t want to risk her thinking she had gotten away with saying such things, as I know I would hit the roof if she tried it on a second time. That’s just me though!!

I think her message says a lot about her at this particular point in time. Perhaps she is feeling insecure and attempting to undermine other people’s happiness and successes to even things out, or perhaps she just isn’t a very nice person. You will know best but, either way, don’t allow her to dampen your excitement. 

I hope that once things settle down she decides to support you and be involved in this exciting journey. Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy!

Post # 17
Member
4027 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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astromberg:  If you’re really close with your sister, I would just talk to her about how you’re feeling. Ask if you can meet her for coffee or something and explain that her words were unnecessary and hurtful. There may be some underlying reason why she reacted the way she did that she hasn’t shared with you yet. Yes, she acted a bit immature and stole a bit of your joy, but just talk to her about it. If that was my sister, I would have immediately reached out to her the next day to chat, because that seems like a very strange reaction to hearing your sister is pregnant. I don’t immediately get jealousy from that. It just seems weird that she lashed out like that. At the very least, just ask to talk to her about it.

Post # 18
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’d also talk to bet and be honest.  Tell her you’re terrified and excited right now and that what she said really hurt you. Even if what she said was inappropriate but true, you’re already pregnant so the point is moot.  I’d also tellike her that, despite her misgivings, after your loss and what you need are cheerleaders right now. I didn’t have anyone say anything to me like what your sister said,  but the longer you’re pregnant, the more likely it is that people will tell you how miserable pregnancy, labor and parenthood is. I’ve started shutting those conversations down quick, saying that I can’t let my mind go there and I’m trying top stay in the monent. I had losses too. If she can’t be supportive, I just wouldn’t talk to her about the pregnancy. 

Post # 20
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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astromberg:  obviously, she only views it as a contest because she is “losing.” Poor baby, she’s obviously struggling a lot with your success and viewing your happy life as a direct threat to whatever state her life is in (even if secretly). I’m sorry she hurt your feelings, but perhaps taking pity on her due to whatever is going on to cause her to behave this way will help you to reframe the hurt and move past it. Congratulations on your pregnancy and best wishes to you!

Post # 21
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Congratulations!! I’m sorry you had to go through this. We got the same reaction (or worse) from my in laws. Beside all the “rush” and “not the right moment” (we’re 30 and 33 years old!) they were offended because – her words- maybe i will misscarry and she doesn’t need to know it this early. I felt like crap, got really uspet with them and didn’t talk to them anymore. They apologized a couple of days later, we moved on and now baby is due in one month and they are over the moon with him. I understand how you feel. Say something to her. It will help. I didn’t and I’m still holding a gruge over it in secret. 

Post # 22
Member
552 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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astromberg:  congratulations!!!!!! by her reaction and your most recent post, I would say it could definitely be because of her own recent discovery of possibly fertility issues. Honestly, if her husband behaves like that and they have a rough relationship it could also be that she’s so unhappy in general that seeing you be excited and have a settled life (as it sounds like she is trying to achieve) is bringing out the big green monster. Dealing with unhappy people that look in on your life and think everything is perfect (and sometimes it feels perfect – ain’t nothin wrong with that!) can be very nasty to try and take away from your happiness to make themselves feel better. Obviously she was quick to forget about your recent miscarriage and is probably so focused on what you have and what she doesn’t, that as PP mentioned she’s making it into a competition when one doesn’t exist. I’m no expert but I’ve dealt with a lot of jealousy and misdirected anger – it makes complete sense in this situation based on her behavior that is what has happened. I would maybe gently try to speak with her and instead of saying ‘YOU’ statements, you could start off by asking her if everything is ok, and lead into the ‘….It felt like, by your comments, you aren’t happy for us and because of early pregnancy nerves not to mention my recent miscarriage, I could really use your support. I hope you know I’m always here for anything you need too. I entrusted only you and {other sister} with the info because it’s such a nervewracking time and know I can always lean on you – I hope that’s still true.’ Good luck, and congrats again!

Post # 23
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee

As the previous posters have said, your sister was out of line. however, I can in a way, see things from her point of view.

I am one of four girls and as much as we love each other, there is always been a very feint, underlying competitive streak amongst us. Now that we are all in our 20s, it has all but disappeared.

it is a fairly different situation, but my second youngest sister did get pregnant straight out of school at 18. i’ll admit, I wasn’t entirely happy when she announced she was first pregnant. my disappointment didn’t have anything to do with competition, I just really feared for her where her life was heading at the time. Her partner or her didn’t have secure jobs or educations, and I worried about the life they had to offer a child. He was fairly wild with a very shady past, and between them they didn’t have $10 to their names. (My parents came to the rescue in the end, setting him on the right path with a secure job in their business, and all is going well for them now). 

I didn’t actually say anything to my sister at the time, I didn’t need to. She knew I wasn’t 100% impressed with the situation, but I made a real effort to get over my own feelings which were irrelevant in the scheme of things, and to just support her.

But, I will admit I did have tinges of jealousy. I am the eldest, yet my younger sister was the first one to have a child, being my parents first grandchild and my sisters first niece or nephew. Then when she had a boy, the fact that she’d broken the female drought of my family also had me feeling tinges of jealousy. 

But I think the worst of my own feelings were bought about by the fact that I was in a crap relationship. I was jealous of the fact that she had a baby and I didn’t feel like I was in a position where that could be a reality for me. I knew I wanted children, but I couldn’t see myself doing that with my partner of 10 years. That was a really horrible feeling for me. It really hurt me to see happy people together planning families with both partners equally on board. So I was jealous, I was angry at myself for not leaving, and it was just a crappy situation all-round for me. Could that be something your sister is feeling?

 

oh, and congratulations and good luck! 🙂

Post # 24
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I would not take it personally.  She obviously has “stuff” going on, and is not handling her emotions well.  I would be the bigger person here and ignore her rude comments.  Then I would choose people to share my joy with who are better equipped to handle it.

Post # 25
Member
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

Well moving forward you know you can’t count on her for support. Focus on those that will. You shouldn’t have to give her an explaination about your life, why you and your husband are ready for parenthood. She needs to focus her engery on HER life choices which clearly aren’t the best. I’m sorry for her to take out her feelings for resentment on you is just shitty. 

Post # 26
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

There are plenty of well cared for and loved babies starting their lives in apartments. I was one of them. Your sister’s attempt to rain on your parade should be met with silence. Good luck with this pregnancy!

Post # 30
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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astromberg:  I’m sorry to hear your sister responded in a selfish, inconsiderate and hurtful manner. If it were me I’d tell her so. What does she expect you to do? You’re pregnant, it’s not like you told her you were thinking about TTC again. She sounds self-centred, thoughtless and jealous.

I’m so sorry you went through a miscarriage in your first pregnancy. Your sister entirely stuffed this up and there’s nothing you can do about it. Please don’t dwell on her nonsense, don’t let her take away your happiness.

Most importantly congratulations! I wish you a very happy and healthy nine months.

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