Post # 1
My Maid/Matron of Honor is not stepping up to the plate. I am not bridezilla. I don’t expect a lot from her. However, I’m getting married in 3 months and she has none NOTHING to help me. The only bridal activity she has participated in is ordering the bridesmaid dresses. My other 2 bridesmaid’s have been fantastic. They have stepped up and tried to fill in where my Maid/Matron of Honor is falling short.
She is getting married 7 months after me and all we talk about is her wedding. When I invited to bridal events with me she woudld tell me that it was to early for her to look at things for her wedding. I am her MOH as well. I have helped her look for venues, favors, centerpieces, vendors and saw her in her dress. She hasn’t even responed to a shower invite that is occuring next week.
She told my mom that she is just so busy with work. However, I work full time (40 plus hours a week) and go to school full time and still make time for her. She works 40 hours a week.
I just want her to give me the same consideration and I am giving her wedding.
How do I talk to her about this???
Post # 3
I think, unfortunately, that this is just not a priority for her. First, you should make a list of all the duties you think should fall to a Maid/Matron of Honor and ask her if she is interested in taking responsibility for/doing them with you. If she says no, or only picks one or two, offer them to your other brides maids or even friends who aren’t in the bridal party. It sounds like you have other friends who are willing to step up to the plate.
But it also sounds like what you are truly upset about is this girl’s lack of excitement–and unfortunately it sounds like she isn’t going to deliver. If your other friend’s will, get excited with them and just ignore this girl. Only do what you want to for her wedding (since she obviously has a different idea of what a Maid/Matron of Honor does she won’t notice if you stop doing all the things you want her to do for you).
Of course, if you have a really good relationship with her you can always ask her what is going on, and if she even wants to be a Maid/Matron of Honor. At the end of the day it’s just a title so I don’t see the need for the drama of a demotion, but you can essentially farm out her duties. Sorry you are dealing with this. It sucks to feel let down by a friend.
On a side note, ladies, when you pick your Maid/Matron of Honor pick who is going to be the most willing to do things. This is not necessarily your longest, bestest friend. One of my close friends did this and told the rest of us that she picked her Maid/Matron of Honor because this other girl was super obsessed with wedding planning and it made the bride’s life easier! No one was offended, we just sighed with relief and lol ed. I think ultimately the Maid/Matron of Honor needs to be enthusiastic, and it sucks when they aren’t.
Post # 4
May be she really is busy and also its the holiday season. None of my bridesmaids live in the city that I live in so I have been doing every single thing by my self. They’re not going to get here til a few days before my wedding so all I can do is send them pics of stuff that I like. I know it sucks
Post # 6
@vmoran32: *Sigh* I am going through the same thing. Talk to her and see if she would like to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man vs. Maid/Matron of Honor. Hopefully thing will go smooth for you.
Post # 7
Thanks for all the advice
Post # 8
Personally, I don’t feel like bridesmaids (including MOH) have duties per se… the only real responsibility for anyone in the bridal party is to buy the dress, show up on time, clean, and sober, and of course smile for pictures.
This is not to say that the people to whom you are closest won’t be excited about your day or offer to pitch in and help with projects, but by no means is it necessary.
In my humble opinion, if I personally need help with a DIY project or souting a venue or making wedding decisions, I ask my Fiance to help me. It is HIS wedding too.
I chose my wedding party based on who I want to stand beside me on our special day. Not who is going to be the most helpful, or throw the best shower. I love my ladies so much, and I can’t imagine getting married without each and every one of them up there with me.
Post # 9
@DaneLady: Actually, I have to disagree with you. I know what you mean and I’m not giving my bridesmaids “duties,” either – but the Maid/Matron of Honor does have special responsibilities. Here is an example list of what a Maid/Matron of Honor is agreeing to when she accepts the title (via The Knot):
- Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It’s the maid/matron of honor’s (MOH) job to direct the other maids through their duties. Make sure everyone gets their bridesmaid dresses, go to dress fittings, and find the right jewelry. Also provide them with the 411 on all prewedding parties.
- Help shop for dresses (the bride’s and the bridesmaids’). And the Maid/Matron of Honor pays for her own entire wedding outfit (including shoes).
- Spread the news about where the bride and groom are registered.
- Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony. Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns.
- Lend an ear. Whether it’s about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns, the Maid/Matron of Honor should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts. Even if she seems to dwell on the same subjects repeatedly, the Maid/Matron of Honor keeps listening.
- Attend all prewedding parties.
- Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate a bridesmaid to handle this).
- Plan the bachelorette party with the bridesmaids.
- See to it that all bridesmaids get to the rehearsal; coordinate transportation and lodging, if necessary.
- Make sure that all bridesmaids get their hair and makeup done, get to the ceremony on time, and have the correct bouquets.
- Hold the groom’s ring during the ceremony. Safest place to put it? On your thumb.
- Arrange the bride’s train and veil before the ceremony begins and just after she arrives at the altar. The Maid/Matron of Honor might also need to help her bustle the train for easy dancing at the reception.
- Hold the bride’s bouquet while the couple exchanges vows.
- Sign the marriage license as a witness, along with the best man.
- Stand next to the groom in the receiving line (this is optional; the bride may decide to have attendants circulate among the guests instead).
- Play hostess along with the other bridesmaids at frequent points during the reception: show guests where to sit, direct them to restrooms, tell them to where to put presents, invite them to sign the guest book, etc.
- Collect any gift envelopes brought to the reception and keep them in a safe place.
- Make sure the bride takes a moment to eat something — refresh her drink, get her a plate of food from the buffet table, or instruct the wait staff to keep her entree warm.
- Dance with the best man during the formal first-dance sequence and possibly be announced with him at the beginning of the party. Also dance with other groomsmen, the groom, and others.
- Toast the couple after the best man. (This is optional, but it is a nice touch.)
- Troubleshoot emotional crises. In most cases, this will require lots of tissues, hugging, and hair-smoothing. The Maid/Matron of Honor continues to be a trusted friend, a good listener, and a smart advisor.
- Keep the bride laughing. For the stressed-out bride, laughter can be as effective as venting.
Of course, not EVERY SINGLE thing needs to be followed, but I definitely think Maid/Matron of Honor is a special role with special duties. There is a reason that most brides have a Maid/Matron of Honor and not all bridesmaids.
Post # 10
What sort of things did you want/expect her to do?
Did you lay out these expectations ahead of time?
For my Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs all I “required” of them was to get the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress (which I actually gave them the ability to chose) and show up for the weding.
I wanted them all to come to the engagement party and bachelorette if they could. But it turned out that hurricane Irene hit during my bachelorette weekend so my Maid/Matron of Honor (sister) couldn’t come.
I think if you two talked abou ther “responsibilities” before hand and she agreed to them and is now flaking out, that’s one thing. But if you are expecting things of her without talking to her about it first, I think you are just setting yourself up to be unhappy.
Also, just because someone works a “40 hour week” doesn’t mean that work can’t be horribly stressful and time zapping. I have worked 40 hour a week jobs that take WELL more than 40 hours out of every week.
Post # 11
@Ms Bookworm: And I disagree with this. When I asked my Maid/Matron of Honor to be my Maid/Matron of Honor I asked her because she is the most special person to me and there is no one else I would rather give that title too. I haven’t asked her to do anything. I wouldn’t ever ask any of them to do anything. I’d let them know what was going on, and if they want to come and help, awesome. If not, no big deal because this is my wedding and my responsibility to make run, no one elses, nor would I want anyone to be put out anymore than paying for the dress, travel, gifts etc that she’ll have to be doing.
I know different people have different views on this, but if you weren’t clear up front that you expected her to do certain things, you dont’ really have a right to be mad at her. If you did, then maybe talk to her about it, but I would let it go if you have other people stepping up to the plate.
Post # 12
@Ms Bookworm: YEOWZERS! I can honestly say I would never expect that much from one single person. Nobody will ever be as excited about my wedding as I am. All of those “duties” are nice, but certainly won’t be demanded by this bride! My girlfriends & sisters have lives that don’t necessarily revolve around my wedding, so maybe I just have a really laid back attitude about the whole thing! But thanks for clarifying 🙂
Post # 13
@Ms Bookworm: If, in your opinion, this list is valid, then that is fine. But please don’t reprint this list as is if were canon. No way, it’s not. I’d never, EVER ask my maid of honor to address envelopes. Please, that is my responsibilty. Other things I’d never do
– require my Maid/Matron of Honor to “keep me laughing.”
– Troubleshoot ANYTHING having to do with my wedding – I can handle it.
– Refresh my drink at my wedding or “play hostess” at my reception. No.
– Coordinate transport for ANYONE. We are all adults here.
– Collect gifts? What?
i could go on, but I really think this list is outrageous.
Post # 14
@DaneLady: I agree.
@Ms Bookworm: To me, that list is nuts! I know you just copied it from the Knot, but my Maid/Matron of Honor and bridesmaids are my best and closest frients, not my free labor.
Post # 15
MrsProf- I think I’m more of your mindset… it’s nice if they can help me try on dresses but it isn’t an absolute requirement, ya know? I do like to see what other people’s opinions are though, in case I’m ever asked to be anyone else’s Maid/Matron of Honor. If I’ve learned anything being on the boards here it is to see what is expected of me and have an open, adult discussion about whether or not those expectations are reasonable for me.
Post # 16
@Ms Bookworm: There is no law that says a Maid/Matron of Honor must do these so called “duties” on what is listed on the Knot is suggestions yes. But in all reality the real only responibilty of anyone in the bridal party is to show up and stand up for the couple getting married. All the other stuff is just nice perks.
OP, it just sounds like your Maid/Matron of Honor is just not as intersted and maybe is a lot busier than you think. I honestly wouldn’t stress about it and just go about your planning for your wedding. If you want to help her out on hers that is on yourself but don’t expect the same in return.