- 5 years ago
Oh, bees. Going anon for this one. It’s long – sorry.
I am so excited to be marrying my wonderful fiance this year. We just secured our venue and have started planning the details. Initially, my fiance only wanted to consider eloping (mostly to avoid “drama”). We considered it, but I am very close with my family and knew my parents would be hurt to not be involved. We then thought of doing a family-only ceremony and having a reception later, but came to the conclusion that a super-intimate (maybe 30-40 people) guest list was doable and perfect for us.
My fiance is my absolutely best friend and a sweet, creative, but sensitive soul. He has some anxiety and depression issues that he (well, we) are working through, and I feel very optimistic that we will continue to have an incredibly happy life together. He did not have a good or healthy home life growing up, and at times has had a strained relationship with his parents (especially Mom). Since I met him 3 years ago, he has worked to mend the relationship, and his mom has been nothing but kind to me. Despite his efforts, they have still had some major fights throughout the years, mostly due to her tendency to make everything about her and her own needs. She also didn’t attend his brother’s wedding at the last minute due to a blowup within the family.
She has been VERY excited about our wedding, and I think sees it as an opportunity for redemption for missing his brother’s. I have been receptive to chatting with her about everything so far – venue, my ideas for dresses, sharing pinterest boards, etc. My parents are paying for 100% of the wedding, and luckily they have been supportive of whatever we want to do in terms of guest list, size, structure of wedding, and so on.
So far, so good. I have been SO EXCITED to not elope and to get to plan an actual wedding for my family and friends. But then, this weekend she sent us a somewhat aggressive email with a list of her friends that needed to be included (14 of them). If we invited these people (that we have never met!), it would be at least 25-30% of our guests as strangers. We are completely not OK with this, and my fiance especially has spiraled into anxiety. He has already called Future Mother-In-Law and let her know that we will not be hosting these extra 14 guests, but then said to me “The next [x] months before our wedding are going to be hell because of her. I want to be married, but I don’t want a wedding.” It broke my heart a bit because I have been so happy about our plan.
I guess my question is – what do I do from here? Do I just elope so my fiance can avoid feeling stressed? My gut says that his mom is going to cause drama no matter what, so eloping may not even be the answer.
Does he just ignore his mom when she makes these requests? Or do we sent a firm but kind email asking her to back off? This is something I drafted.
“Hi Future Mother-In-Law,
We know your intentions are good, and that you want to help us celebrate our marriage. We have made the decision as a couple to have an intimate and private celebration. It is important to us to have our immediate families and close friends present as we commit our lives to each other, but we are not interested in extending further invitations to those we do not know, or who do not know us as a couple.
We are happy to keep you informed as we make decisions about the event in regards to decor, colors, food, and all those fun things! That said, we are planning to make those decisions ourselves and feel excited at the chance to create an event that we know those close to us will love. Our families are very important to us, as is keeping this exciting time in our lives as low key and stress-free as possible. It is – after all – more important to focus on the marriage, rather than the wedding.
Thanks for understanding and for supporting us taking this step in our lives. We are so excited to host you at a great event in [month]!”
Basically – I’d love opinions of anyone who has dealt with this – an aggressive Future Mother-In-Law, a fiance with anxiety about a wedding, anything of the sort. Thanks so much for reading.