(Closed) Help managing aggressive FMIL

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

Well your Fiance knows how is Mom can be so this shouldn’t come as a shock to him.  Honestly, I would tell him to just ignore any requests/temper tantrums/drama she creates.  He knows why she does it (because she likes the attention) so just ignore it.

But you need to stay out of it.  You getting involved, even with an email, will just result in even more drama.  Since she is not paying for the wedding she does not get a say in anything.  She doesn’t deserve a bunch of reasons why you are doing what you are doing.  Whenever she mentions the guest list say “The guest list has already been finalized.”

I am glad your Fiance is getting the help he needs, but he needs to learn and accept that his Mother just will not change.  Does it suck to have a not so great realtionship with your Mom and a Mom that always causes drama?  Yes.  But how his Mom act is no reflection on him as a person.  So he should keep her at arms distance and just have some basic phrases like “we have that covered,” “the guest list has been finalized,” “thank you for the suggestion, but we have already made our decision” ready to go for any future opinions or suggestions or what not from his Mother.

Post # 4
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
thisbrideisstressed:  Basically as long as you and your Fiance are on the same page and he sticks up for you whenever, or if she ever, speaks poorly of you, then you two are golden.

Post # 5
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Your email, while well-intentioned, is much to nice for someone who reverts to bullying when she wants something. You do not need to explain your decisions to her. I’d suggest going with something like, 

“I’m sorry, Future Mother-In-Law, but our guest list has been finalized. We are not able to accomodate any add-ons.” and then change the subject to flowers or cakes or invitations.

Rinse and repeat as necessary. 

As for your Fiance’s anxiety, do your best to reassure him that you’re there for him and that you will help diffuse any situations that may arise from his mother’s drama. Just take a deep breath and stay firm and polite with her.  Good luck!

Post # 6
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

That email isn’t going to help anything. Just ignore her texts and do not respond to them. If you do feel the need to respond, a standard “this has already been decided. It’s no longer up discusssion” should suffice. 

Post # 9
2121 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m the fiancée with anxiety and depression, and I wanted to elope while my fiancé wanted a wedding. It’s good that you’re trying to have a positive relationship with his mum, but you need to remember to be on his team. If he doesn’t want to be in touch with her or mend the relationship, don’t even bring it up. Ever. Family issues are hard enough to deal with without a partner pushing you to do the ‘right thing.’ I’ve just cut my brother out of my life, it’s hard. 

Honestly I’d stop telling her anything, just keep it between the two of you. “It’s a surprise” is my favourite phrase atm. Keep your wedding very personal and the focus on your marriage, and remember to tell your fi how excited you are to marry him. Take some nights out where you don’t talk about the wedding at all. 

I feel for your fi, you sound lovely but these issues will be so deep for him. It’s hard for both of you, but if your Future Mother-In-Law gets shitty she has two options – she grows up and attends your wedding like an adult, or she doesn’t come and leaves you both alone! 

Post # 11
3607 posts
Sugar bee

Your Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t sound like the kind of person who understands subtleties like conciliatory emails. I would skip the email, wait to see if she blows up (she might not, if she is seeking to avoid a repeat of FBIL’s wedding), and if she does, firmly tell her you don’t have room for her guests and the topic is not up for discussion. Then, stop including her in all wedding-related appointments & discussions, and when she asks how it’s going, say “Great, thanks!” and change the subject.

Post # 13
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

If he already let Future Mother-In-Law know you won’t be hosting those guests, I don’t think there’s anything for you to do. People generally don’t care about your decision-making process, and responding to their complaints can just affirm that they have a right to complain. I also firmly believe in letting your Fiance handle his parents. Believe me, it is far too easy for you to become the bad guy, and once that impression starts, it’s almost impossible to overturn it.

It sucks that your Fiance is stressed, but it sounds like you’re doing a good job of maintaining boundaries with his parents. Now that you’ve put your foot down once, maybe they’ll start backing off.

Post # 15
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I wouldn’t send the email. If there was even the slightest thing in it that rubbed her the wrong way, she has it in writing to fixate on – it will just cause drama. 

One thing that I am learning is that I don’t need to share all the info just to make somebody feel included. Don’t volunteer info that is likely to be controversial. Just do what you want to do, and if she asks, TELL her what you are going to do, but never leave it up for discussion. If she tries to insert herself into things, tell her firmly that you have it under control. 

The way that you handle her through the planning process is really the foundation of the boundaries that you are setting up for your life together as a married couple. It’s important to be firm and prioritize what you want and your feelings first, and not be guilted into anything. 

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