(Closed) HELP!! Marry the Man, Marry his Family?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’d just grin and bear it, personally.  You don’t see them often, so when you do, just try to be as pleasant as possible and know that you’re the bigger person.

Post # 4
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

NOT that I have experience in this area, as I am not engaged, I would think that you will manage it perfectly if you and your husband are communicating about it!!  Or, at the very least, he is your number one priority, and you his (as a married couple should  be!!). 

Family dynamics are tricky, but it seems as if you are handling it with grace and dignity, acknowledging that it is different for you because you had a different upbringing.  Furthermore, you seem to sorta ‘grin and bear it’, instead of demanding you guys do not see them, or whatever!!

Point is, I would not change a thing, and look forward to a future with your soon-to-be husband!!  Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

I try not to focus on how they’ll affect my life.  I love my parent-in-laws, but cannot stand my Future Sister-In-Law and Future Brother-In-Law, at all.  Like, not even a little bit.  I want to strangle them sometimes.  But, in the end, I know that I won’t have to deal with them often.  I can handle seeing them at Sunday dinners in exchange for a lifetime of happiness with the one I love.  The thing that works for me is that I tend to avoid and ignore them.  That way, they can’t upset me.  I’m civil and polite with them, for the sake of peace.  But, I don’t engage in conversation with them.  You’ll obviously have to talk to your Future In-Laws when you visit them, but just keep the conversations brief and non-controversial.  Don’t talk about things that you know will ruffle their feathers and leave you upset. 

Post # 8
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

My guess is that you and your Fi haven’t been together a very long time?  I used to worry more about transitioning into my husband’s family in the first few years we were together.  The old adage “familiarity breeds comfort,” is very true, though.  The longer you are together and the more interactions you have with his family, the more you will get to know them, the more comfortable you’ll feel around them, and the easier it will be.  You still might not like them as much as your family (we’re all biased, lol), but you may learn to deal with it a lot better. 

My personal advice is to keep it to yourself, though.  Your husband will probably always be more forgiving than you simply because it’s his family.  He might think they’re annoying or rude sometimes, but remember he’s built up years of tolerance.  At the same time, though, I wouldn’t vent about your in-laws to your family, either.  Your family is always going to take your side, even if you are blowing something way out of proportion, and it will take way more for them to forgive your in-laws, even over something stupid that you forget about in a couple days.  If your family and his family ever have to interact, it’s best to keep your annoyances to yourself and let them figure out their own relationship.

Post # 9
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

To paraphrase: Hell is other people.

My inlaws are great people, but a lot of of issues stem from the fact that we are very different people and our families interact in completely different ways.  This doesn’t mean that they are wrong, but they often rub me the wrong way because what they do surprises me or hurts me because it’s not how my family would react…and I think that they are being mean or whatever, when really they are just reacting as they always do.

Some of this will just get better with time as you get to know them better and learn what you can and cannot expect.  I know my parents and family will always be more involved.  We care about the health of everyone in the family and do little things to make things better for people.  We spend a lot of time together and, for example, when my sister has her baby in the new year, we will be there as much as my sister needs us. My DH’s family isn’t like that.  You’re kind of on your own.  It’s not that they don’t care; it’s just that they don’t think to help or ask.  This became really obvious when planning our wedding and when our nephew was born.  My SIL’s parents got in the car and drove to be there when the baby was born (over 10 hour drive). My inlaws didn’t want to know about the labour until the baby was born and they didn’t visit for over a month.  There are lots of reasons why they are like this and a lot of them are good, but it’s difficult to get used to it…because I see stuff like that as lack of caring, when it’s just different strokes for different folks.  lol

So, while you definitely marry the family, I think that it’s all about how you and your Fiance deal with both sides of the family.  

Post # 11
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@MrsDrRose612:  Ok, that makes sense, lol!  🙂  It sounds like the biggest issues come up because his family is so different from your family.  Maybe it would help to think of them less like your immediate family and more like those weird, distant cousins you only see twice a year?  Yes, they’re still family, but you hardly ever have to put up with them, so you just deal with it during those brief visits.  You don’t have to think of them like you do your family because, well, they’re on a totally different level.

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