(Closed) Help me be reasonable!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: How would you react if your fiance was MIA for several weeks?
    It doesn't bother me. That's just life. : (10 votes)
    9 %
    I'd be sad but it wouldn't be a big deal. : (40 votes)
    37 %
    I'd be miserable! : (57 votes)
    53 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1629 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    My hubs is in law school so I feel your pain.  We live together so I get to talk to him for like 30 seconds a day right now lol.  From now until the second week of December will be like that.  Try to remember it’s only temporary and what he’s doing will make your lives better in the long run.  I know it’s so much worse when you’re sick because it makes you feel needy.  My best advice is distract yourself.  Hang out with friends and family so you don’t feel so lonely.  Hang in there!  It will be over soon

    Post # 4
    Member
    504 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I could never imagine now being able to see or talk to my fiance. We see eachother EVERY DAY. I never get tired of him because hes not just my fiance hes my friend – my best friend. And who doesnt love hanging out with their best friend?

    Post # 5
    Member
    458 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I feel your pain. My Darling Husband is working full time and is in night school full time to get his masters. He also travels several times a month for work. I hardly see him.

    My best advice is to have a “date night” and to get yourself involved in hobbies and friends. Every time I get sad about never seeing him, I just try to remember that he’s working hard to make our lives better in the future. Try making friends through meetup.com or joining groups like Junior League or other volunteer organizations.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3357 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I went a full month or so without seeing or talking to him. Just life.

    EDIT: Just to clarify, “Just life” is referring to way I saw my situation. I was not using that towards the OP in any way. Sorry.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3941 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @strawbs:  I don’t think that’s normal, so I definitely wouldn’t brush the way she feels off by saying that that’s just “life”.  It’s not, really.  Or at least it doesn’t have to be.

    OP, I think you’re justified in the way that you feel.  Yes, your FI’s studies are extremely important and so is his future.  But you are his future as well.  He can take 5 minutes out of his day to talk to you, see you, etc.  Sorry, but if he’s doing this at this point of your relationship..how will it be when he finally becomes a Dr. (?) and continues to have a very stressful busy lifestyle? 

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    993 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I hear you!  MY Fiance is in medicine, and while no longer a student, still extremely busy.  We started living together because I wouldn’t see him otherwise.  

    Its great that your Fiance is committed to his studies, he needs this to get through!  Its incredibly demanding.  It used to bother me that work and patients came before me – however I love Fiance because he serves others in his work.  So I just learned to suck it up and keep busy.  Its hard when you’re sick and just want some snuggles though, I totally get it.  

    The best advice I ever got (in terms of living with this profession and not being resentful) is have no expectations.  Its kind of brutal but then you aren’t disappointed.  I think you have to be extremely independent, and make your schedule work around him so that you see him.  Cause the hospital sure isn’t going to work around you.  

    There are some really annoying things that will come with his studies and work – but there are also huge benefits for you in the long run.  Your FI’s smarts, big heart, stability, job security, cash flow… 

    PM me if you ever want to chat about it 🙂 good luck!  Take up hobbies and see your family.  I use FI’s call days as the time I get to go hang with my girlfriends.  They know they drill now, especially the single ones, and ask me the next day I’ll be home alone so we can hang out.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3357 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    @KateByDesign:  I wasn’t talking about the OP having to deal with “Just Life”. that comment was referring to the way I saw my situation. Sorry if it wasn’t clear 🙂

    Post # 10
    Member
    401 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I dunno… I am a law student and still schedule time to hang out with my Fiance. One night of undivided attention per week, plus a short lunch or movie now and then shouldn’t be that much to ask. I would talk to him about it.

    Post # 12
    Member
    5544 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2011

    School is important yes. But you are going to be his wife and thus are important too. A two minute phone call or a few texts will not make or break his school success but obviously him making some attempt to be in contact with his Fiancee would be very helpful to how you feel.  I totally disagree that you should have no expectations, life is about balance and your Fiance seems to need to work on that because his whole life is going to be hectic and if he can’t figure it out now do you really want to spend your whole life never seeing from your husband? It isn’t like you are nagging him to spend every waking moment with you. And if I hardly saw Darling Husband and he decided to basically ignore me when we were together I would want to talk about why he thought that was okay. This isn’t you being selfish. It is you and your Fiance needing to talk about balance and him making a little more effort to shoot you a mesahae of “hey I know I’m busy but love you” or dropping by to spend five minutes with you when you’re sick. Yes you need to accept he will be busy and find ways to be okay with that but it doesn’t mean he gets a pass on making an effort. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    6019 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2017

    @gangqinjia:  FI is a mechanic he works 6 days a week. sometimes 7 if he does side work and so I haven’t gotten much time with him lately. I actually miss him even though he’s at the house every night. By the time he’s there and we are settled we both knock out. I throw myself pity parties every weekend when I am going somehwere and he can’t go because he’s exhausted or doing side work or just wants to relax. Then I remember how hard he’s working to make our future better and I smack myself out of it. He is with me and our son every spare moment he has, even if it those moments are few and far in between. And he does make time for the important stuff like family events and holidays. Though even then he works sometimes. Its gonna be nice for him  next week since he actually gets thanksgiving off.

    Post # 14
    Member
    8446 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @gangqinjia:  I think you just have to realize that it isn’t his lack of care or love for you, but how important his work is to the world.  He is dealing with matters of life and death being a trauma surgeon.  I worked on an ambulance when I was younger, and when those doctors and surgeons lose a patient, it’s emotionally and mentally traumatizing to them.  

    His job is going to require him to perform at 150% all the time, and even when he does, sometimes the outcome is the death of a person.  I don’t know how else I can explain the stress that these medical professionals feel.   This guy loves you and wants to marry you.  I know it’s easy to lose sight of that when things get so stressful, and being sick definitely doesn’t help.  Plus, if you guys can make it through med school/residency, you’ll be able to make it through anything.

    Post # 15
    Member
    4755 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I’d be miserable but I realize that the end is near and attempt to occupy myself in the meantime.

    Post # 16
    Member
    11747 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    sorry but it makes no sense to me whatsoever. i understand how demanding med school is, but to be completely mia for weeks at a time with no calls or visits is over the top. I have many friends in med school and they all have time to spend with friends and SOs.  I see this as an issue of not that he has no time to spend with you, but he’s chosing not to make time to spend with you.

    School is important yes but so is his relationship with you and your needs.  He needs to find a way to schedule time in to meet your needs.  

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