Post # 1
Fiance is really busy… All the time. He is a med student and is in a crunch from now until the second week of December.
Our apartments are really close, and it takes about 60 seconds to get from his apartment to mine! But I never see him or hear from him. This week I’ve been sick and really pretty miserable – still going to my classes and work out of necessity, but spending a lot of time in bed the rest of the time. I would really appreciate a few minutes with him, even just to drop by, or to bring me soup (which is kind of our tradition when one of us is sick). But he’s too busy to take even a few minutes off – that what he tells me anyway.
Last weekend was our anniversary. He planned an extravagant date on Saturday, in part I think to make up for the loneliness of the last several weeks (and weeks to come). But the next day, Sunday (our actual anniversary) he was distant and preoccupied with his studying. My family had met at my parents’ house, so we were together all day long, but he totally ignored me the whole time.
I realize that his studies are really important and his schedule is crazy. He has so many tests, he can hardly keep up with them. He’s a meticulously devoted student and is obsessed with doing his very best. So I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. It’s really my fault that I feel so lonely and forgotten and ignored. The thing is that I don’t know how to fix my emotions! His life is crazy, too, and I need to remember that it’s not all about me.
Help me stop being so mopey and be supportive of my amazing man! He’s doing the best he can and I’m being a selfish bum. Right?
Post # 3
My hubs is in law school so I feel your pain. We live together so I get to talk to him for like 30 seconds a day right now lol. From now until the second week of December will be like that. Try to remember it’s only temporary and what he’s doing will make your lives better in the long run. I know it’s so much worse when you’re sick because it makes you feel needy. My best advice is distract yourself. Hang out with friends and family so you don’t feel so lonely. Hang in there! It will be over soon
Post # 4
I could never imagine now being able to see or talk to my fiance. We see eachother EVERY DAY. I never get tired of him because hes not just my fiance hes my friend – my best friend. And who doesnt love hanging out with their best friend?
Post # 5
I feel your pain. My Darling Husband is working full time and is in night school full time to get his masters. He also travels several times a month for work. I hardly see him.
My best advice is to have a “date night” and to get yourself involved in hobbies and friends. Every time I get sad about never seeing him, I just try to remember that he’s working hard to make our lives better in the future. Try making friends through meetup.com or joining groups like Junior League or other volunteer organizations.
Post # 6
I went a full month or so without seeing or talking to him. Just life.
EDIT: Just to clarify, “Just life” is referring to way I saw my situation. I was not using that towards the OP in any way. Sorry.
Post # 7
@strawbs: I don’t think that’s normal, so I definitely wouldn’t brush the way she feels off by saying that that’s just “life”. It’s not, really. Or at least it doesn’t have to be.
OP, I think you’re justified in the way that you feel. Yes, your FI’s studies are extremely important and so is his future. But you are his future as well. He can take 5 minutes out of his day to talk to you, see you, etc. Sorry, but if he’s doing this at this point of your relationship..how will it be when he finally becomes a Dr. (?) and continues to have a very stressful busy lifestyle?
Post # 8
I hear you! MY Fiance is in medicine, and while no longer a student, still extremely busy. We started living together because I wouldn’t see him otherwise.
Its great that your Fiance is committed to his studies, he needs this to get through! Its incredibly demanding. It used to bother me that work and patients came before me – however I love Fiance because he serves others in his work. So I just learned to suck it up and keep busy. Its hard when you’re sick and just want some snuggles though, I totally get it.
The best advice I ever got (in terms of living with this profession and not being resentful) is have no expectations. Its kind of brutal but then you aren’t disappointed. I think you have to be extremely independent, and make your schedule work around him so that you see him. Cause the hospital sure isn’t going to work around you.
There are some really annoying things that will come with his studies and work – but there are also huge benefits for you in the long run. Your FI’s smarts, big heart, stability, job security, cash flow…
PM me if you ever want to chat about it 🙂 good luck! Take up hobbies and see your family. I use FI’s call days as the time I get to go hang with my girlfriends. They know they drill now, especially the single ones, and ask me the next day I’ll be home alone so we can hang out.
Post # 9
@KateByDesign: I wasn’t talking about the OP having to deal with “Just Life”. that comment was referring to the way I saw my situation. Sorry if it wasn’t clear 🙂
Post # 10
I dunno… I am a law student and still schedule time to hang out with my Fiance. One night of undivided attention per week, plus a short lunch or movie now and then shouldn’t be that much to ask. I would talk to him about it.
Post # 11
@KateByDesign: That’s what I worry about. He’s going into being a trauma surgeon because apparentally there are set hours so he’ll have time for a family. But if it’s this bad in school, who’s to say he won’t bring his work home all the time and ignore me?
Post # 12
School is important yes. But you are going to be his wife and thus are important too. A two minute phone call or a few texts will not make or break his school success but obviously him making some attempt to be in contact with his Fiancee would be very helpful to how you feel. I totally disagree that you should have no expectations, life is about balance and your Fiance seems to need to work on that because his whole life is going to be hectic and if he can’t figure it out now do you really want to spend your whole life never seeing from your husband? It isn’t like you are nagging him to spend every waking moment with you. And if I hardly saw Darling Husband and he decided to basically ignore me when we were together I would want to talk about why he thought that was okay. This isn’t you being selfish. It is you and your Fiance needing to talk about balance and him making a little more effort to shoot you a mesahae of “hey I know I’m busy but love you” or dropping by to spend five minutes with you when you’re sick. Yes you need to accept he will be busy and find ways to be okay with that but it doesn’t mean he gets a pass on making an effort.
Post # 13
@gangqinjia: FI is a mechanic he works 6 days a week. sometimes 7 if he does side work and so I haven’t gotten much time with him lately. I actually miss him even though he’s at the house every night. By the time he’s there and we are settled we both knock out. I throw myself pity parties every weekend when I am going somehwere and he can’t go because he’s exhausted or doing side work or just wants to relax. Then I remember how hard he’s working to make our future better and I smack myself out of it. He is with me and our son every spare moment he has, even if it those moments are few and far in between. And he does make time for the important stuff like family events and holidays. Though even then he works sometimes. Its gonna be nice for him next week since he actually gets thanksgiving off.
Post # 14
@gangqinjia: I think you just have to realize that it isn’t his lack of care or love for you, but how important his work is to the world. He is dealing with matters of life and death being a trauma surgeon. I worked on an ambulance when I was younger, and when those doctors and surgeons lose a patient, it’s emotionally and mentally traumatizing to them.
His job is going to require him to perform at 150% all the time, and even when he does, sometimes the outcome is the death of a person. I don’t know how else I can explain the stress that these medical professionals feel. This guy loves you and wants to marry you. I know it’s easy to lose sight of that when things get so stressful, and being sick definitely doesn’t help. Plus, if you guys can make it through med school/residency, you’ll be able to make it through anything.
Post # 15
I’d be miserable but I realize that the end is near and attempt to occupy myself in the meantime.
Post # 16
sorry but it makes no sense to me whatsoever. i understand how demanding med school is, but to be completely mia for weeks at a time with no calls or visits is over the top. I have many friends in med school and they all have time to spend with friends and SOs. I see this as an issue of not that he has no time to spend with you, but he’s chosing not to make time to spend with you.
School is important yes but so is his relationship with you and your needs. He needs to find a way to schedule time in to meet your needs.