(Closed) Help me be reasonable!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: How would you react if your fiance was MIA for several weeks?

    It doesn't bother me. That's just life.

    I'd be sad but it wouldn't be a big deal.

    I'd be miserable!

  • Post # 17
    Member
    1963 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I think if it makes you feel miserable you are entitled to those feelings! Having Fiance too busy for you plain sucks, and I agree with others who have said it won’t make or break his studies if he takes two min a day to check in with you. My Fiance has a crazy work schedule in the summer and work 24 days on 4 days off, and when he is working he works 14 hour days out of town. Sometimes I won’t hear from him much when he is working. He tries to text during the day, but sometimes he is somewhere that has zero cell reception, and by the time he gets back to reception at night he just wants to sleep. So I get it when I don’t hear from him, but it still makes me sad!

    Post # 18
    Member
    542 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    We were both in law school/studying for the bar, so I guess I understand his POV. I guess it was a little easier for me because I was going through it too. I realize it’s hard, but if you let him focus now, he’ll appreciate it so much when he’s a doctor.

    ETA: I agree you are entitled to feeling upset, but just remind yourself why he’s disappearing.

    Post # 20
    Member
    542 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

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    @gangqinjia:  Yes. School is so different, but you will always have to contend with a demanding career. But really, grad school/professional school is SO different. Especially med school. Every few weeks they are required to know everything about an intense subject, and it takes so much focus. And being accepted into residency programs and such is so very difficult that it feels  like your entire future is riding on every single exam.

    I can’t really explain it in words the stress and focus this type of studying requires. Feel free to PM and I can try. I KNOW it’s hard. However, he always will be busy with his career, and this is certaintly something to consider. It’s not something everyone can deal with, which is not a knock on you. I know there are certain men I could not have happily ended up with based on their career.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1397 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    We’re going through a stressful patch where we aren’t seeing each other as much as we’d like… not as badly as what you’re dealing with, esp since we live togehter already, but I empathize with you. Yesterday he kissed me goodbye in the morning while I was still mostly asleep, and when I got home late he was in the shower. I fell asleep waiting for him, and he woke me up to kiss me goodnight. It’s also school/work related, and it’s hard, but you have to remember that he’s doing this to meet a goal that’s importnat to him/you/your future together. He SHOULD, however, still be calling & texting. No excuse not, at least a few times a day. Talk to him about checking in, even if it’s just for a few minutes as he’s going from one class to another or walking home.

    Post # 22
    Member
    3941 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

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    @gangqinjia:  Set hours for a trauma surgeon?  First I’ve heard of that!! (I worked as an orthopedic trauma customer service person for a while)  I do think this would depend on where he gets a job.

    I don’t know, I’m not sure how you should handle the situation. But I do think it requires a very serious conversation.  You need to be confident that this is a temporary gap in attention and that he will always try his hardest to make time for you as a couple.  He can’t be angry at you for wanting to make sure that that’s a large part of your marriage.

    Post # 23
    Member
    277 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    My Fiance travels and some times with time difference we don’t get to talk because he will be working 12 hour shifts by the time he is done I am asleep. I have seen him a total of 4 weeks in the last 6 months. It gets lonely so I started doing crafts and it helps a lot.

    Post # 24
    Member
    1695 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    OP, I’m really sorry for what you’re going through right now.  My first year of law school, my then Fiance and I broke up because I just couldn’t spend enough time with him.  I SHOULD have MADE some time.  He SHOULD have been more understanding.  We should have compromised.  A relationship is not self-sustaining.  In the long run, it was a good thing we broke up, because now I’m married to the right man (not the Fiance from law school), but if you both really want to make this work, you both need to give a little.  

    It’s good that you’re understanding.  But he too has to be understanding.  Even if he just schedules one evening a week with you, I think that’s doable for him and completely helpful to you.  Just tell him how you’re feeling.  He is probably so wrapped up in school that he hasn’t really realized there is a problem.  But be kind when you approach him.  His nerves are probably pretty frazzled right.  Plus, look forward to the holidays!  Plan some fun alone time for the two of you. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    1170 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @gangqinjia:  My concern is this. He had one day to spend with you and your family and he was distant. First of all I get that his career and school are important, but that being said so is your family life.

    Did he say why he was distant? Did you all have a fight? You say that you live 60 seconds from him, you have been sick and he hasnt bothered to come by and check on you?

    I dont think that makes him a very good doctor if the person who he supposedly loves and is going to marry gets sick and he cant take a few minutes out of his schedule to make sure you are okay?

    Thats a huge red flag. First of all you live 60 seconds away from him, he cant stop at your apartment for dinner or even to sleep over between classes? He hasnt ran by your house to check on you? He is distant on the one day you get to be with him when he should be happy and exuberant to see you?

    I dont buy this excuse that you dont have time.

    My Fiance is military and I can tell you his job is life and death during deployments and even in a war zone as soon as he has internet he sends me a message or gets a call out to me.

    Post # 26
    Member
    19 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I’m afraid I’m on the flip side of this coin.  I work a full time job, have a side buisness that’s really picking up and am attending grad school.  I am stressed and not home often, what makes it easier is to have the most amazing supportive partner I could ask for.  I don’t know what I would do if I got home and he was moping and sad and nagging me to hang out, if I had the time I would love to spend it with him, but as it is now it’s not possible.  I admit because of the stress I’m easier to anger and sometimes to avoid snapping his head off I become distant, or I’m distant because I’m just tiered and want to be left alone to decompress.  He allows me to have my space and I am just so greatful for it.  

    Obviously, your first line of action would be to talk to him about it to make sure he isn’t pushing you away for a different reason.  After doing that my suggestion is to find your own passion, fill your days with things you want to do instead of focusing on how you’re not spending time with him.  I find our time spent together is even more fufilling even though it’s not a constant.    

    Post # 27
    Member
    993 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    View original reply
    @gangqinjia:  Maybe suggest that he shadow a trauma surgeon to see the hours he will be working… My experience is just the opposite (it will depend on the hospital and system) – the trauma days are the days I don’t see Fiance except between home coming home at 2 am to leave for the hospital again at 7, with middle of the night phone calls waking us up, and sometimes he’s has to leave dinner or parties or whatever we’re doing to go back for a trauma case that’s just come in. 

    Its kind of a lifestyle and you’re not going to get the 9-5 thing…

    I always think about being a semi-single parent when we have kids. I don’t know if that’s in your plan or not… But something you have to think about…Child care and emotional support might be difficult unless you have a strong network. 

    Please don’t think I’m being harsh about this, I think your feelings are completely justified! We all want our men to take care of us, and when you’re lonely and feeling this way you need to tell him.  But med school and being a dr, especially a surgeon is a huge commitment. There are times he’s not going to be able to be there so you have to work around it. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    3941 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    View original reply
    @bella128:  This.  For sure. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    422 posts
    Helper bee

    While it is admirable that you want to be supportive towards your man and want to make life a little easier for him, I think he should also take at least some effort in making your life a little easier. That’s the give and take that forms the basis of all healthy relationships. There is a thin line between having a demanding career and taking your SO for granted, and he should make a minimum effort not to cross over to the other side. Agreed, he’s going through a stressful period and this will be over soon, but a two-minute phone call won’t upset the routine of even a scientist who is on her way to a Nobel prize. My advice? For now, don’t disturb him. After his crazy schedule is over, have a peaceful discussion about how awful you felt when he neglected you and how you hope that next time he will be a little more sensitive to your needs. If he loves you, he’ll get the message. Stay strong.

    Post # 30
    Member
    3885 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I think part of a healthy, mature relationship is accepting the fact that there are times you will come second in his life, not first, and accepting that graciously.  We all want to be our partners’ #1 priority, always, all the time, and that is just not how life works for many people, especially those with high-profile, high-responsibility careers.  But it could also be an elderly or ill parent, a needy friend, or all sorts of external factors that take our partners’ attention.

    I am fortunate that DH and I are in pretty much the same line of work, and we understand and appreciate that sometimes, things are going to come up, and either he or I will be laser-focused on something other than our relationships.  It doesn’t mean we’ve lost interest in each other, or that we don’t care; it just means that, sometimes, the boss gets to call the shots because the boss is the one putting money in our pockets.

    Post # 31
    Member
    1889 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    My DH works all the time in a high-stress job that involves travel on the weekends as well as 9-11 hour days Mon-Friday, and he is in grad school, so I can empathize with you feeling a little lonely, especially since you’re not feeling well.  May I suggest you simply sit down with him and talk about your feelings?  Don’t blame him, just let him know that it makes you feel left out and alone when he doesn’t pay attention to you, and you just want to be as supportive of him as possible but don’t know how you can be supportive when he doesn’t involve you in his life by calling or texting you.  His planning a romantic anniversary date was a good start, and maybe that was the most he could give you that weekend.

    You might also want to try to keep yourself busier (once you’re feeling better)… Pick up more hours at work, spend more time with close friends who have the same availability as you, set some exercise goals for yourself, take up crafting, whatever you feel like doing!  I work full time but since DH has been working so much and in school, I’ve started working 6 days a week when I can, and I am also applying for part time jobs right now–not because we’re desperate for the money, but so I have something to do while he’s busy with work/school.

    The topic ‘Help me be reasonable!’ is closed to new replies.

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