Post # 1
Someone please stop me from being a crazy person before i ruin my relationship with my fiance!
My problem stems from absolute jealousy, and trust me, I know this is all so very stupid.
My fiance has only had three “girlfriends” before me, all of whom he slept with. These relationships lasted anywhere from a few weeks to three months max. Given his age when I started dating him (28), I would say that I should feel like there is no competition with his longest relationship lasting three months (no baggage, right?). However, it’s driving me insane!!! He told me that he loved these girls and calls them his “past relationships” and all that…and, in the back of my mind, i’m thinking “At three months tops? Are you kidding me?! That’s not even enough time to have an idea of who a person is, let alone feel that you love them and had some established relationship.”
And the other part… when we have sex ALL I can think about is him with these other girls. It makes me sick, keeps me depressed, and makes me lash out at him a lot because I don’t understand how he thought this was all “love.” It’s almost as if by saying that he’s devaluing what we have together.
This is a source of constant tension and i’m having such a hard time letting it go. Yes, I am seeing a therapist, and yes, I know that this is probably all childish and I need to put my big girl panties on and get over it, but some friendly advice or words of wisdom would help this girl out a lot…
Post # 3
I used to be like this with my other half. I would say, if he’s never done anything to make you think he’s unfaithful during your relationship then try to forget the ex’s. I found it gets easier as you’ve been together longer. In the early years of my relationship I was very insecure but after eight years he’s proved to me that he’s happy with me. As he says we wouldn’t have lasted this long if he wanted to be with anyone else. At the end of the day he’s with you now and he’s marrying you. So you’ve obviously got something those girls never had x c
Post # 4
It’s not up to you to decide how he felt about the other girls. Maybe it really did feel like love to him. My Darling Husband and I fell in love within 2 weeks of being together. Honestly, there is no other advice I can give you except to accept his past and let it go. Obviously he is marrying you, and that is what matters.
Post # 5
How long have YOU guys been dating?
I agree that, especially at your age, calling a 3 month thing a “past relationship” is pretty weird, and I can also understand how you’d feel upset if he claims he loved them at three months. But maybe he just hasn’t felt the love and commitment that comes with a long term relationship? Like maybe once he feels that with you, he’ll realize that in past flings it was just a feeling of excitement, infatuation, and novelty, but not true love. I think that assessment comes with time, experience, and maturity.
I really hate to say it, but I think you should try to let it go. If it really bothers you, ask him to not bring up his past girls and not to talk about his past feelings for them at all.
I struggled with something of the opposite – my Fiance was in a three year relationship with a girl back in high school, and claimed he never actually loved her or felt anything for her much at all during their whole relationship. It made me crazy: what if he’s the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” type, and he’s just staying with me out of comfort? What if he never moved past that habit, and he doesn’t feel anything for me now, like he did for her in the past? I really just had to forget about it and focus on how he is treating me right now in the present, and I do think he loves me in a different way, just as your guy will realize he loves you in a different way once the relationship reaches that point.
Post # 6
I think you need to seek advice from a professional. It doesn’t really seem all that unreasonable to me that your ex has a past. So he had GFs of short duration. What if he had GFs of long duration? That would open up a whole other can of worms. It seems that your insecurities might be stemming from something you need to deal with. Seek out counseling.
Post # 7
@haruko82: I fell in love with my Fiance the day I met him. We told each other “I love you” at six weeks. I would have married him that day, without question. Time doesn’t mean anything. One of my most serious relationships (before FI) only lasted 6 months but the emotions were intense. I have had a TON of relationships in my past (some very serious, some not) and I’ve slept with A LOT of men (some were boyfriends, some one night flings, some were just a fun friend). Those relationships have NOTHING to do with my Fiance or how I feel about him today. Fiance and I both went to large universities and had our fair share of fun, to say the least. I dont regret any of it – and neither does he. And why should we? Those relationships (whether serious or not) formed us into the type of person we are today and what we expect in a partner in many aspects.
I dont really know how to help you. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist though. If this doesnt change, your relationship will be ruined though. If he wanted to be with those other girls, he would be. Obviously, he isnt so you have to let go of his past. It’s made him into the man you love today.
Post # 8
@Bazingau: She states in her post that she is seeing a professional.
Post # 9
Time does not equal love. You can’t change what has happened and you can’t change what he did or did not feel.
Just realise that by lashing out at him for his PAST you are damaging your PRESENT relationship. Have you had partners before him?
As for you thinking about him and these other girls, could it be that you’re trying not to think about them? It’s probably become a habit for you, but I know if I really don’t want to think about something, I usually end up thinking about it because I’m telling myself not to, if that makes any sense..
There have been posts on the bee about girls who have had sexual histories before their SO’s came along and then he became jealous/lashed out. Usually everyone bags on the guy in that situation, so I’ll be interested to see if the replies here are consistent with that.
Post # 10
@haruko82: I’d be far more worried about a 28 year old with no relationship history.
Post # 11
The most helpful advice I can give is that the longer you are with him, the more the insecurity will fade away. Time really does heal.
When Fiance and I met, I was very insecure about his previous girlfriend, because he was with her for 4 years, and I didn’t quite know how to deal with his baggage. However, after 16 months of dating, he and I moved in together, and my insecurity gradually started fading away. Partly because he had never lived with any girlfriend before me (so it was new and exciting to both of us), and because I know that he was miserable with this girl a long time before the break-up. She also had a fairly long-term affair (more than a year, I think) before she and Fiance broke up. He also got rid of pictures and mementos from the relationship, in order to start fresh with me. He’s also told me several times that the sex he has with me is the best he’s ever had (I feel the same way), so I don’t really worry about that aspect either. Plus, I’ve had my share of sex partners before him anyway.
Now that I am his longest relationship (by a month or so haha), I don’t think much about his past anymore. He doesn’t really talk about his past relationships anymore, and neither do I, so it’s kind of a non-issue at this point.
If your FI’s previous relationships were only a few months long, I wouldn’t worry. My longest previous relationship was 6 months long, and it’s just a blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things. I do agree with you that it probably wasn’t real love with these other girls. Why did he tell you that he loved them though? Did you ask, or did he randomly tell you (which is not very respectful of him)?
Were you a virgin when you met him? Are you worried that he is comparing you with them in bed?
Post # 12
@nycsa: Haha true, you don’t want a nearly 30-year old virgin 🙂 I briefly dated a guy who was a virgin at 22, and he was very awkward around women.
Post # 13
“Sometimes you gotta put your behind in your past.” -Pumba
You’re doing the right thing by seeing someone, and you realize that you shouldn’t be upset by it, even though you are. You’re taking the right steps to get over it, and I’m sure, in time, you will. 🙂
Post # 14
It could be that he wants to sound like he has some experience, so he’s making something more out of short term relationships, but in any event, this is none of your business and I say that with kindness.
You can’t control him or his past. If he did love someone before you, that means he’s capable of love. The good news is that he’s with you now, and you have a chance to build something great with him ifu you let this go. Shove it put of your mind and only allow thoughts of the present. In time, it will seem silly. But if you allow yourself to obsess about it, it will only get worse.
Post # 15
I was not a virgin when I met him, no. Doesn’t that make this all the more crazy? I had three relationships that were long term and the random 2 month thing a couple of times.
He never discusses his past until I brought it up (and yes, I asked if he loved them; he did not volunteer the information). He has since retracted and said it was probably just infatuation, which, speaking from a scientific stand point, yes, that is exactly what it was.
I asked about previous relationships and sexual partners because he has a sordid past involving binge drinking and drug use, so I wanted to know if he had slept with every girl in town. He had never said anything about his past beyond “I don’t have a lot of relationship experience” until I pointedly asked.
I have never asked him about my performance in relation to theirs, and honestly, would I get an accurate answer from that question? There is no way he would tell me they were better unless he was heartless. I have a lot of issues with self esteem and consistent high levels of depression (I am medicated, though), so it is my full belief that I can never compare to these women in any capacity.
We have been together a little over a year.
Post # 16
@haruko82: Okay, you probably understand that, from a logical perspective, it’s not fair on him that you get upset about some short, insignificant relationships whereas you’re had a number of long relationships yourself.
Do you feel unspecial because of these other girls? If so, try turning it around; is your Fiance less special to you because of your previous boyfriends?
Honestly, even trying to compare yourself to some brief girlfriends from years ago is completely pointless, because if you think about it, you don’t know someone after 3 months. He basically knew nothing about them, and didn’t have the time to build up anything significant with them. Therefore, why do you assume that you are not as good as them? Do you assume that he was happier with them, that they were prettier than you etc? If that was the case, he wouldn’t have broken up with them.