Post # 1
Okay bees, I am at my wit’s end and don’t know where to turn!
My Fiance is incredibly forgetful/absent-minded. He will be the first to admit it though and even has an app on his iphone called “remember the milk” where he can set reminders for things he needs to do. (call the doctor, pay the phone bill, etc.)
Now I try to be understanding and remind him about things. I feel like I’m nagging, but if I ask once, it won’t get done. When I say “FI, why didn’t you do XYZ?” His response will be, “Why didn’t you remind me?!” So, nagging actually works in our relationship.
I completely lost my mind yesterday though. I went away for the weekend and came home Sunday night to chaos. He had (thankfully) remembered to feed the cat / clean her litter, but he didn’t give her any water!! Her water bowl was bone dry, the poor thing! 🙁
Then, I ran downstairs to do a load of laundry and he had left a load in the washer!! He ran a load and never took it out so the clothes dried in the machine and oh boy it smelled!! We had to the take clothes out, run the washer with just soap to get rid of the smell and then rewash his load of clothes.
WTFFF. He apologized a million times and said he just forgot. I know it’s not because he’s lazy… He’s not lazy at all and helps out a lot around the house when I tell him to do specific things, but it’s like he can’t function if I don’t remind him. I just want to be able to go away for a weekend and come back to normalcy.
I know this is a lot of venting, but I’m really looking for any advice you can give me on this one.
Post # 3
He needs to make a lot of lists then to keep up with everything! I dont think you can keep reminding him of everything all the time [you shouldnt have to] Especially if he forgets to give water to the cat!
Post # 4
Are you sure he dosen’t just rely on you too much? If you were away 1 month, would the cat die of hunger or thirst? Start posting stickies everywhere. It will look messy and annoying, but he needs a visual reminder it seems. Do this for a good month and if things don’t change, I’d have to seek outside help! Good luck!
Post # 5
Hubs can get that way as well. I just got back from a 4 day work trip, so here are some tips.
I leave him a note taped to a kitchen cabinet (don’t forget to water the garden, feed the fish, check the mail) of things that I take care of everyday.
i send him texts of things as reminders as well, if its something that definitely needs to get done by a certain time.
As far as the clothes, can he set a timer or is there possibly a buzzer on the wash machine? I know that sometimes I forget about laundry because we hardly ever go in the basement except to do laundry, so if I’m doing a million things, I put the timer on the stove on so I don’t forget.
Post # 6
You said he isn’t just being lazy or careless, but that he genuinely forgets and generally has trouble remembering chores? Why are you angry then? I get that its frustrating, etc. but this is a foible of your man. Anger and lashing out will only hurt him and decrease his feelings of love (lest he be very disciplined in his love
!). That isn’t desirable, I imagine. Do these things make him an unlovable person? With love comes patience and understanding; have a heart for the guy, it sounds like he was trying but legitimately has trouble remembering.
That said, sticky notes are awesome. Lists are awesome. Darling Husband needed to pay a bill and kept forgetting. I wrote down “Pay XXXX. P.s, I love you :)” and that was that, he remembered to pay.
Post # 7
Haha okay, I know you don’t think it’s funny but I feel like this post was written about me and it made me laugh. I have to make lists and leave reminder notes everywhere. I set reminders on my phone but sometimes that doesn’t work because I close them and forget again…I would leave him a list, even if it seems silly for a while, until some of it becomes a habit.
Post # 8
Is it possible he has undiagnosed ADD/ADHD? I’m no medical professional, but it sure sounds like a possibility from your description. If so, it really isn’t his fault; his brain just works differently than most. There are both tools he can learn as well as medication that can make a world of difference. It might be worth having him at least checked out.
Post # 9
@Neva: I was thinking exactly the same thing. My husband has ADHD and it is a constant struggle to remind myself that his brain works differently than mine. I think it’s more common than a lot of people realize.
Post # 10
What Neva said. I am not labeling! But it’s true, we have to understand people with ADD type symptoms do not do these things on purpose. However, it takes boat loads of patience and understanding for the other person and at times it can get really frustrating when the spouse doesn’t have the same thinking patterns or what seems like common sense about things.
Post # 11
Thanks all, I guess I will have to start putting post-its around the house!! 😀
Maybe I can leave a list of the things he has to do when I’m gone as well.
The thing is… There was no way for me to know that he was going to do laundry while I was gone so I would not be able to remind him to move his clothes to the dryer. I guess there is nothing I can about that one. When he puts a load in the washer and I am home, I will often remind him. “Uh hun you put some clothes in the washer an hour ago, maybe you should switch it. Remember?” Then the light bulb goes off in his head and he runs down and changes it. Haha maybe I should write on the list that he is not allowed to do laundry when I am away. 😉
@HEB: Why am I angry? Because I was gone for 3 days and when I came home the cat had no water and the washer smelled moldy. I am as patient as I can be, but really… that wouldn’t test your patience even a little bit if that happened to you?!? I love him very much and do as much as I can to help him remember things, but dang… this one just pushed me over the edge!!
@MrsSl82be: Thanks, our laundry is in the basement too and there is literally nothing down there except the washer/dryer so I do understand. I usually set a timer when I do laundry… I will have to suggest that Fiance start doing the same!!
@Neva: I’m like 99% sure he doesn’t have ADD/ADHD. He isn’t hyperactive at all or inattentive. He can focus on anything (work, conversations, etc), he is never distracted or anything like that…. He is just really forgetful!!
Post # 12
The laundry thing? Not at all.
The cat needs water and depends on people for such necessities. So, that would merit a loving discussion, but not anything that could inflict hurt upon your mate (anger included).
Post # 13
@TinyTina: As a fellow person that has to be the constant HUMAN sticky note of reminders, I can share your frustration. Sometimes I just want my mind to be idle and not have to be the one to be the daily planner in life and have someone remind me of something rather than if I don’t remember, it won’t get done. This is normal to be frustrated in these situations, especially when it’s repetitive. Hang in there.
Post # 14
It’s amazing how it can feel like you’re the only one going through something then when you dig deeper, you start to realize just how common something like this can be.
My fiance was diagnosed with this and after months and months (and counseling) about fighting about stuff, it’s helped me realize he doesn’t do it intentionally. Not that it’s any less frustrating. There’s also times when he’ll remember things once or twice and then forget the next, so it seems like it can be intentional, ya know? You may also feel like a nag… I sure did… and felt like his mother (which then hurt other areas of our relationship).
I know how tiring it can be to be the one to remind him to do something… we’ve done the post it notes and… unfortunately, he can’t remember to look at the darn things. There are many other issues but this was a big one for us for a while.
Is it a matter of him forgetting general stuff or things that may not interest him? Is he forgetful about running water/leaving the stove on/not uplugging the iron, etc? I’d just want to make sure there isn’t some sort of safety risk.
How is his self-esteem? I’ve seen other situations to some degree that the self-esteem of the forgetful partner starts to diminish because they feel like a kid, having to be reminded all the time.
On the other hand, if he has a consistently hard time with this and he’s aware of it, it’s also his responsibility to put his effort in, too.. not all on your shoulders.
It sounds like you’re trying to be very understanding and helpful; I commend you for that. Takes a lot of patience to do that!! It’s a finebalance for sure and wish you much luck and patience!
Post # 15
@TinyTina: As an adult with ADD it is not always about not being able to focus. I can multitask with the best of them. However it does stress me out when I have multiple things going on with the same deadline. There are various symptoms of it and some are not as noticable as others. My mother will never get diagnosed. But how many women will walk out of a restaurant and leave their purse behind. My mother has done it dozens of times, has forgotten her glasses, etc. I have a hard time when I am bored staying on task. IE. like right now at work I am doing filing which I loathe so I am here instead. I am a terrible procarastinator and there are tons of things I start and then never finish, all attributes of ADD. I do better when I am on meds, but I am not always on them. Look into it ADD symptoms sometime, it is more than not being able to sit still or focus on a certain thing. I did great on straterra, but drugs are not for everyone.
Post # 16
@FrozenFeet: Complete understanding here.
@TinyTina: I realize it costs money but it’s something I’m entertaing and suggesting to my Fiance. I’ve come to the conclusion that our minds work completely different and what helps me, may not help him. I am going to research a personal organizer professional and see what they suggest. They are educated and have more tools/ideas to possibly help with daily life so I do not feel like the human sticky note and have it affect our relationship so much. People that do not have this in their relationship do not fully understand always… it’s not as simple as “just remind them”. It’s a whole different world of coping, learning and educating.