(Closed) Help me feel better/be reasonable…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4069 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

5 days is excessive.  Why is he allowed to leave Christmas day or Boxing day (for 5 days!) but you can’t go away for New Year (for 2 or 3)?  How is that fair? I say stick to your plans for NY.  You suggested a fair compromise, he turned it down.  Therefore he needs to suck it up.  You have plenty more New Years to come.

I asked SO for his opinion.  He said that 5 days is maybe a bit excessive (he assumes it includes recovery time) but makes no comment about the fact it’s Christmas (which would annoy me).  But when I mentioned that your Fiance isn’t happy about you going away at NY he said “Oh dear, they really need to talk”.

I hope it works itself out.

Post # 4
Member
4069 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

And to answer your question (sorry, my bad) I honestly don’t know how you let go.  You think he is being unreasonable, but it sounds like he thinks you are too.  So I guess it’s a bit like a game of chicken, who gives in first. *sigh*

Post # 5
Member
46375 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sometimes there is no “fair”. It’s not his fault that he gets more time off than you.

I’m a bit confused as you say he would leave Christmas Day or the day after, then later you say he can’t shorten the trip as it is already booked. If it is booked, wouldn’t you know for sure which day he leaves?

If it’s not booked, I think a reasonable compromise is that he doesn’t leave until the day after Christmas (Boxing Day in Canada). I do think he is being a bit self centered if he planned a trip to leave Christmas Day without consulting with you.

You also said you want to plan a trip for the weekend after Christmas so you aren’t alone. Then you said he’s upset that you wouldn’t be there to spend New Year’s Eve with him. Which is it? Is he home on NYE or not? Even if you have Monday the 31st off, wouldn’t you be home for NYE?

He’s a grown man to whom you will soon be married. He doesn’t need you “worrying about his safety and what he’s up to etc”.

Be happy for him that he has the time off, has friends and family with whom to celebrate.

You admit that you are jealous. Jealousy is not an attractive quality.Do your best to let that go.

Post # 6
Member
5787 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

Five days right after Christmas seems odd/long to me but its not like he planned the trip, its also not his fault that he has more flexibility at work than you do. I think all you can do is plan your own trip and stop focusing on what he gets to do. I also can see why he would be upset about you spending NYE apart, we’ve done that and it suuuucks.

Post # 7
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

First, he’s an adult, so I don’t think you need to start worrying about him being away from home for 5 days.

Second, if he’s going to miss part of Christmas day, and be away for five days, I don’t see how he can be that unreasonable that you can’t miss part of new years for a trip of your own.

Part of dating or marrying someone with a different work schedule is that there will always be issues and you may not have the same job flexibility. There are pros and cons to his job, and to yours.

Post # 8
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

I think it’s unfair that he’s leaving Christmas Day but has a problem with you not being around New Year’s … both are pretty  big holidays to not be spending together.  But if it’s already booked I guess you don’t really have a say anymore in what he ends up doing.  Can you both go somewhere together during New Year’s?  I would think either this, or to just drop it and not go somewhere during New Year’s is what would stop your fighting.  I still think it’s unfair of him though :1

Post # 11
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@csteen85:   I think he should have some compassion for you about this.  I understand how you feel and I wouldn’t call it jealousy, exactly, I would call it feeling left out.

Honestly, I would be miffed if my Fiance did the same, however, I would also try and see from his perspective.  Your Fiance would probably be ok if you had the opportunity to do the same kind of trip for the same amount of time, right?  I know mine would, he would want me to go and have fun.

Try and be the bigger person and be ok with this.  After all, you have the rest of your lives to spend with each other when he returns.  5 days isn’t the longest period of time to be apart, it’s doable.  There are lots of Bees here who have to deal with much longer-term absences than that.

Take the time to do some fun things for yourself, pamper yourself and be good to yourself.  Make a compromise with him about how much and what type of contact you’ll have with him while he’s away.

Realize that his point of view about this is different from yours and he is judging you by how you handle this.  The more you can be ok with it before he leaves, the more of his admiration you’ll earn.  He deserves to have fun with his friends.  Try to be generous in your attitude about it and let him off the hook since he’s already decided to go.  You can either make your relationship stronger over this matter by how you handle it from here on out, or you can make things worse in your relationship by how you handle this from here on out.

Take into consideration how you want him to be feeling about you while he is away.  Do you want him to be glad for the break away from your complaining?  Or do you want him to miss your loving understanding and support when he’s apart from you?  I know which I’d choose.

Post # 13
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My husband and I don’t like to be apart from each other for more than a night. There, I said it. It’s not that we CAN’T handle it; we just don’t really like to. He’s in the Army, so there have been plenty of times where we’ve been apart for much longer than that, but — BUT — there is a huge difference between being apart for reasons you can’t help and being apart by choice.

Last year at Christmas, Darling Husband decided to fly out to California a week early to spend time with his family and generally enjoy himself. I didn’t have that kind of time off, so I was in the same boat as you — a little bit miffed that he’d choose to be away from me for a week just because he could. I never told him not to, and he went, and … he missed the sh*t out of me. Seriously. Absence makes the heart grow fonder when you’re TDY in the Army, but since this was vacation I was expecting him to be really enjoying himself and sort of forget about me a little. That did not happen. He ended up actually regretting the decision to fly out so early!

So, I think that’s the outcome you need to hope for — that he goes, that he has a reasonably good time, but in the end he himself realizes that five days is too long to choose to be away from you, and you never have to deal with this problem again Smile

Post # 14
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

To be fair, I think a LOT of us would feel a bit jealous if their SO were able to enjoy what sounds like an amazing trip, but we weren’t able to enjoy the same kind of trip.  It’s the acting out on the jealousy that is the problem, not so much the jealousy itself. In fact, jealousy might be too strong a word for the emotion itself, as it is pretty “normal” for a person to see someone with nice things, admire those things, and want them for ourselves.  So you need to focus not so much on what you are feeling but rather on how you act on those feelings.

That said, you will both need to learn how to compromise in situations like this. Unless one or both of you change careers, you will always struggle with the disparity in leave time, and your choices are basically to accept that the other person has more flexibility than you do, and wish them well on their adventures, or deny them those opportunities. It takes a very selfless person to send their SO off to have fun, but being selfless is a big part of what makes a relationship work.

I would suggest you get counseling on your own, to learn healthier ways to cope with these situations, and consider couples counseling so you and your SO can learn healthier ways to communicate when you disagree.

FWIW my Fi just sent me away for the weekend— his idea— he paid for plane tickets for a girl pal of mine and myself.  I know he had a very boring weekend at home while I was out running around having a ball. It was absolutely theraputic for me, as I’ve not had any down time in ages, and it was the most wonderful and generous treat I could ever have wished for. It meant a LOT to me.  His being able to let go of me, even for a weekend, shows not only that he trusts me, but that he genuinely wants me to have fun experiences, even if he’s not part of them. I’m not trying to make you feel bad with that story— just wanted to show that being able to let go sometimes will come back to you in the form of a deeper commitment and love and appreciation.

Post # 15
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t get the 5 day bachlor party. I don’t at all. But if he’s wanting you to be OK with that then he needs to be ok with you going on trips solo for the same amount of time.

From everything you’ve said, what I hear him saying is ” I’m leaving for 5 days to party in Vegas and you better not have an issue with that but you better be here when I get back! It’s NEWS YEARS for gooodness’ sake “


 

You go on your trip hon, go somewhere serene and relaxing like a moutain spa or the beach with a lot of good books and turn your phone off. Having some quiet “me” time away from it all would be good for you

 

Post # 16
Member
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Okay, so if I have this right… your Fiance is leaving for 5 days over Christmas, and you wanted to do something for yourself during that time, but it only works to do it the following weekend over New Years, when he will be back from the trip.

And now, he is upset, because he feels like you are getting back at him by going away over the next holiday by yourself, since he did it to you, and he will be alone.

I too, think 5 days, over a holiday, for a bachelor’s party is excessive. I would be upset too.

I can understand how much it sucks not having time off, because my Fiance has a job with TONS of vacation time, to the point that he will just take random days off to use it! And my job right now gives me, like 1 day per big holiday, unpaid. I was upset with him this Christmas, when he left me for a week to go 2 hours away and visit family (our families live in the same town) and lay around for a week and an half, while I sat at home and worked, drove separately from him to visit our families, and drove back early, and missed New Years with him.

I ended up being able to take a few more days off, and he cut his planned 1 and 1/2 week stay a little shorter, so we could drive together.

However, I think in your case I would maybe try to convince him to come with you for the New Years Trip. That way you get to go somewhere with your vacation days, and he gets to be with you.

If this is really the only time you can get off, and the only weekend that will work for a bachelorette, then tell him that you deserve a party too, and it is only fair!

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