(Closed) Help me get over ring regret …

posted 4 years ago in Rings
Post # 16
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee

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becomingimpatient :  I think for many people once they’re about to put down that much money on a ring, they want to make sure it’s perfect. I sure do.

Also, just because you didn’t place any value on the ring doesn’t mean others don’t place value on having something nice (like any other nice thing). Just because they place value on the ring doesn’t mean they don’t value the relationship more. And some people would put more value into purchasing what might become a family heirloom than a transient experience (vacation). I love my heirloom diamond that not only saved FH a lot of money (thanks to the fact that someone else in the family purchased a diamond) but is also very meaningful to us and makes me feel that much more “connected” to the family member who gave it to us.

Post # 17
Member
2934 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

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drcocochanel :  I’m sorry to be blunt but you are coming off extremely superficial imo. I mean, the guy literally got the exact ring you wanted. If you didn’t speak up about your absolute need for an exponentially large center stone then you can’t really complain. It’s not like he is a mind reader. 1.3 cts is still a large diamond and 10k is a huge budget for an engagement ring. I would stop worrying about your already large stone being more “substantial” and just appreciate the fact that the man you love literally proposed to you with exactly what you asked for and wants to marry you. 

Post # 18
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Give it a little time to see if you begin to take more of a liking to the ring. Have an open conversation with him about it. He did exactly what you asked, this is 100% your issue not his, and he should understand it’s not personal to him. Ultimately it’s on your finger an if it’s important to you to address then do so  

Also, why not get a simple band and then have a jewerler make your wedding band with the diamonds in your engagement ring? The cost would be minimal since you already have the diamonds from the ering and a simple solitaire setting wouldn’t be too much. THis way you can preserve the original diamonds.  

Post # 19
Member
7303 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

You are in a challenging spot, OP. This is a topic about which you have more information and, it sounds like, a more discerning eye than your Fiance. It’s very likely that you would have been able to find a ring with the right ratio of center stone to side stones to setting and it would have looked just the way you’d envisioned it. At this point, though, I think you need to decide what is most important to you here- what you want or what he did for you. I think it’s a bit late to nitpick his offering- the time to let your controlling flag fly was during the selection process.

I am a controlling person. I don’t always feel comfortable about this, but it’s true. I have this thing about balancing lines and curves and I’ve tried to explain it to my husband and I know he thinks I’m insane and I do not care. We’ve had conversations where he’ll show me an image and I say- “Nope. Too linear, it’s not relaxing for my mind.” or something else and I’m all- “Nope- too many curves. It needs more crispness!” Then I’ll show him something and exclaim “Look! A perfect balance of lines and curves! My mind and spirit can relax in its presence.” and he’s like “Uh, okay.” I was involved in selecting my ring because I knew that if I just left it to him to surprise me, he’d end up getting me something that I wouldn’t like and would have to learn to love and I didn’t want that (for either of us). Incidentally, in addition to my ering, he also got me a lovely stand in ring which is very pretty but not quite right (for me) for a variety of reasons.

I’m wondering how much this bothers you and how big of an issue it is. Is it so much of an issue for you that it’s worth having an uncomfortable conversation and him potentially feeling like he spent a not insignificant amount of money and your instant response was “not right, it needs to be bigger.”? I can understand that you are seeking the internal settled feeling that comes with something being the proper ratio for your eyes and mind because I’ve got it, too. But are you so unsettled that you’re willing to rattle his mind to calm your own?

Post # 20
Member
9252 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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drcocochanel :  You have this much angst over 0.2 carats? If you wanted to choose it together you should have said so. You played non-chalant and he got you exactly what you wanted, minus 0.2 ct. Talk about balance and proportion all you want, but 0.2 ct is indistinguishable. Literally. The setting would look no different with 1.5. In fact, depending on the cut, a 1.5 could look identical or even smaller than your 1.3. He has already expressed that it would be hurtful for you to exchange it. And your jeweler’s exchange policy is not amazing, it’s standard. That is every jewelry store’s exchange policy so you’re not missing out on some awesome bargain by not trading it in.

You said yourself these feelings are petty and shallow. Will it help you get over it if you realize that 1.5 is just a psychological milestone? Jewelry stores know that people get attached to these milestones like 1 ct, 1.5, 2 ct, etc and jack up the per carat price signficantly. The price difference between 1.3 and 1.5 is way more significant than the size difference simply because suckers will pay extra to be able to say “it’s a carat and a half.” Your guy didn’t fall for that marketing trick — he got you a better diamond at a better price. Your family member in the jewelry business can confirm this. And if thinking of it that way doesn’t help, maybe think of starving children? I’m not sure what else to suggest.

Post # 21
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

I would probably learn to love the ring OP. If not, you could really hurt your fiancé’s feelings, since he put a lot of money and effort into it.

I wasn’t too in love with my ring when I got married, and I even picked it out myself. I didn’t know much about diamonds, and I pretty much picked the first ring I saw at the mall. It was a .25 carat diamond.

I had people literally laugh at my ring because they thought the diamond was so tiny. I didn’t really care about the laughing, but when my mom gave me her Ruby engagement ring after my parents divorced, I realized I liked gemstones more than diamonds. 

One day, I saw a blue sapphire ring that I went crazy for and my husband bought it for me for our 11th wedding anniversary. It cost a lot more than my engagement ring he bought for me many years ago, but he wanted to make me happy and so it is very special to me. But the first ring is very special to me also.

 

There will be an anniversary, down the road, where you’ll be able to change the setting or the stone to what you want, but I don’t think I’d bring it up right now. Your fiancé might be sensitive about it and it is always something you can change later on.

Post # 22
Member
4250 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Since he got you what you asked for, I would let it go.  Get a blingy band for your wedding band, and consider upgrading the diamond in a few years.

Post # 23
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Can you even tell the difference between 1.3 and 1.5? Because I cant.

https://www.diamdb.com/compare/1.3ct-round-vs-1.5ct-round/

But I get how youre feeling. I did not love the ring my husband proposed with. But I got over it. My husband picked that ring out for me because he wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. 

I fell in love with my ring eventually. I’m sure you will with yours. If you don’t… You don’t have to wear it forever. Someday you can upgrade or have your stone reset. But I think you need to give it some time. 

 

Post # 24
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

Have you thought about a ring guard style of wedding band? Something along the lines of the ones below on ebay will give you an idea of a halo/ added sparkle but you still keep the exact ring your Fiance gave you so he feels good too as your ring would stay as is. There are lots of different styles out there or have fun designing a custom one together. I do agree with PP posters that the difference between a 1.3 and 1.5ct is practically negligible to most everyone.

ttps://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-1-2CT-Diamond-Solitaire-Enhancer-Guard-Wrap-Insert-Ring-Band-14K-Gold/292327006040?hash=item44100c1f58:g:cXMAAOSwtGlZA1E2

One with baguettes..

https://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-3-4CT-Diamond-Solitaire-Enhancer-Guard-Wrap-Insert-Ring-Band-14K-Gold/272922871201?hash=item3f8b7885a1:g:FyAAAOSw~vpaBMj0

Post # 25
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2019

Congrats on your engagement bee!, Be happy and remove all the negativities in your mind. You’re right marriage is not about the “ring” after all.

Post # 26
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

View original reply
drcocochanel :  

Instead of obsessing over making the centre stone larger why don’t you make the side stones smaller or eliminate them all together? 

Not sure if it’s possible but it would certainly be a less expensive option…

Post # 27
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Did you happen to get your ring from BE? I only ask because they have the same upgrade policy for stones. I understand the whole ring regret thing – I went through the same thing, and as superficial as it is, it’s something we wear every day. HOWEVER if your biggest issue is the 1.3 vs 1.5 carat, I wouldn’t obsess over it too much. Have you seen a 1.5 carat compared to yours? My diamond is 1.3 and my mom’s is 1.5, and they don’t look that different. I mean obviously 1.5 is a smidge bigger, but it’s like 7 vs. 7.25 mm. Anyway, after getting my stone I though to myself that we couldn’ve done 1.5 (I was worried 1.3 would look too showy), but then immediately let it go because I’m obsessed with my diamond and realistically, the size isn’t that different. However, what I did do was change my setting and that helped a lot. I had side diamonds, which I removed (and made into “wedding earrings”) and just changed mine to a solitaire to show off the stone more.

 

Also, to note, unless the $10k budget was that fluid, a 1.5 carat [good quality] diamond ring with side stones was probably way out of that price range. 

Post # 28
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

IDK how I feel about this.

I understand one would want to be happy with the engagement ring. You are going to wear it (presumably) forever. For this reason, I defend people who are upset when their Fiance gets them a cheap ring or one they despise.

“Oh, it’s not all about the ring! I’d get engaged with a piece of thread/garbage bag around my finger!! It’s the fact that you’re marrying the man of your dreams!” – I disagree with this. The ring does matter because at the end of the day nobody wants to wear a badly made uncomfortable setting or a hideous ring, no matter how much they love their Fiance. You can’t equate the two.

This is not the case here.

1. The man got the exact ring that you pointed out to him, yet you are unhappy about it.

2. 1.3 carats to 1.5 carats is not a substantial jump. Its a miniscule difference. Most people wouldn’t tell the difference. You realise this is more in your mind, right? Cause it sounds better to say a carat and a half instead of 1.5?

You are coming across as incredibly shallow. Maybe spend more time enjoying your engagement rather than crib about 0.2 carats. You can always get an anniversary upgrade if you want. Its sad these days when rings are considered more a status symbol than a mark of commitment.

Post # 29
Hostess
10222 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Sorry bee, but “upgrading” 0.2ct more is a waste of money and energy. There are so many things to be joyful about – your engagement, the holiday season as fiancees, wedding planning, spending the REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH THE MAN THAT GOT YOU YOUR DREAM RING…………….

Post # 30
Member
890 posts
Busy bee

Erm… How does your ring actually look like on your finger? Without seeing it, I found it hard to give my honest opinion… Can you show it to us?

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