(Closed) Help me get over the fact I'm the one who has to initiate….

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 1
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Hive, I need help!  I’m embarrassed talking about this, but figured processing it here will help me get over myself.

95% of the time (maybe more) I’m the one who ends up initating.  It wasn’t always like this… I’d say over the past year or so, it’s made this shift.  

At one point, I didn’t really mind initiating.  DH rarely turns me down, and I figured it was a win-win!  

But then, I started getting resentful that I was the one who had to initiate.  Self-doubt crept in… what’s wrong with me?  am I not desirable?  who in their right mind wouldn’t want to have me at any moment? 🙂 etc etc etc.

So, I started playing a game… well, not really a game, but I wanted to see if DH would initiate if I held back…. and so, I waited, and I waited, and got more upset, and more upset, and it never happened!  Our sex life over the course of this experience is in the toliet (I’d say for the past 2 months).

I’ve talked to DH about this and his take is that it’s not that he doesn’t want to initiate but he doesn’t want to be turned down.  I told him I rarely turn him down – BUT – he’s counting in that times when I am unable (like when I’m having my period… and, unfortunately, I’ve been battling chronic yeast infections that also wipe out certain chunks in my cycle).  We also do FAM, and he is never sure when my fertile days are (even though I TELL him)- I don’t think he hears… I’ve resorted to putting happy faces on the calendar when we are free and clear.

In any case, I’m back to square one and want to be ok with being the one who initiates.  I figure once we get back in some normalcy of frequency, he’ll be more apt to initiate, as he did in the past…. but for now, what can I do?  This week, I was so bitter about being the one, I thought about initiating, but did nothing – and, well – that’s how our sex life went too!

For those who are the initiators, does it bother you?  And, if it does, how do you get over the fact that it bothers you?  Or do you just see the end result, so it makes the frustration of the initiation unimportant?

Any and all thoughts are appreciated.

 

Post # 3
Member
3109 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think your husband needs to buck up a bit. You deserve to feel desired, too. It seems like your wait it out method is backfiring. Maybe you guys could agree on days that you’ll have sex? I mean, some people plan this right??? Maybe the agreement is that you definitely always do it on 3 of the 7 happy face days or something? 

Post # 4
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@mamadingdong:  my wait it out plan definitely backfired – big time.  But, what it also proved to me, is that my feelings about initiating (and being the one who did) was spot on.  All I know is that I need our frequency to go UP… and if me initiating is what it will take, then so be it.  But, I totally agree – he’s gotta step up too!  He’s not void of affection – he will kiss me, hold me, give me footrubs/backrubs… but it’s different than hot and heavy foreplay – you know?

Post # 5
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I am currently having the same problem, so I would love advice on this too. Same as you, it never used to be this way, he used to want it all the time and I never turn him down. The last couple of months it’s been me initiating and being turned down almost every time. It sucks. One night I was so frustrated and feeling crappy, I actually cried myself to sleep (I am not a crier, so it was obvious to him there was an issue).

The next day he felt so bad and I didn’t hafta do anything, he came home from work and made it up to me. It was amazing and I felt awesome, for the moment. Now it’s gone back to me initiating and being turned dow. So I’m not sure where to go from here.

Post # 6
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@oracle:  I know better than to even try the wait it out thing! I’d never get anything 🙁 Mine is the same way, very affectionate, he loves to kiss and cuddle and all that, but when it comes to intimacy, he’s always “too tired” or has a headache, or just isn’t in the mood. I feel crappy a lot and I talk to him about needing more frequent sexy time and he listens, but nothing changes.

Post # 7
Member
9957 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@oracle:  ((HUGS))  I can really see both sides of this issue, yours and his as well.

He’s given you a legitimate reason for not initiating sex, and it’s believable because I believe men have more fragile egos in that way even than we do.  You may not ever want to or mean to turn him down but sometimes life happens and we’re just not up for it.  On one level I’m sure he loves you and understands when you have to say no, but on another level it is probably gut-churning to him to be turned down.

I understand not wanting to be the one to initiate the majority of the time; I’m not an intiator either, let’s face it, most men are sex fiends all the time and we love the feeling of being desired.  But we have to understand their point of view as well.

It seems through your “experiment” you two reached a stalemate but it is also good that you have now talked things through.  Don’t give up on this.  The calendar smiley face is actually a good idea.  Also, how about laying out some sexy lingerie on the bed a couple of hours before you go to bed, to give him a “hint” of what you’re wanting? 

Of course, he needs to understand your  need to be desired, as well. 

I would tell him something like this, “Honey, please assume that I always want and desire you, 100% of the time.  Please never question my desire for you even when Mother Nature determines that my body isn’t capable of having sex that one time.  It is no reflection on you, your desirability or my craving for you if I just don’t feel well enough for it one night.  I promise if I am forced to turn you down I will make it up to you at the first opportunity.  You can take it for granted I always, always want you!”

Maybe he just needs some reassurance.  Praise him abundantly for his mad love-making skills and that might help, too.  Remember what you praise grows and what you ignore tends to disappear.  What you want to increase – pay more attention to.

I wish you all the best!!

Post # 8
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@HeatherMM:  I SO feel your pain – especially the “we talk about it – he listens, but nothing ever changes”.  I keep wondering – am I NOT communicating in a way that he HEARS what I’m asking?  I keep thinking the answer is “NO!” since nothing changes… the excuse of the year has been the stress from his job… which, I try to be understanding of… but STILL!

View original reply
@Sunfire:  SUPER wonderful advice!  I feel like I’ve had a “honey, I want you all the time…” conversation til my head hurts – but, you are so right that it’s ALL about praise! praise! praise!  Your words are a great reminder to NOT give up!  I mostly need to shift gears in my head and this post is already on it’s way to doing the trick!  I also agree with you on guys being more sensitive about being turned down… I was floored when he first told me that!

Post # 9
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Whoa I feel for you! I just called out my DH on this… He’ll usually drop a hint that he’d like to get it on, then wait to see if I’ll do anything it and if I don’t, asks if I’ll take advantage of him or what.

I was like: honey, you’d definitely get better results if you kiss me passionately or something. I told him I felt like he was always waiting for me to initiate and that I would feel more desired if he put a real move on me. That I NEED him to do that.

I am NOT ok with being the one to initiate all the time, if you find a way, let us know! In my case, I’m hoping that our talk will help…

I like the calendar idea… with FAM + period + infections I can understand that there might be many occasions that he wants to but gets shut down.. I might do BJs on those days just so he gets a YES when he initiates..?

Post # 10
Member
8880 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m in the same boat, I initiate at least 95% of the time. We’ve talked about it and his previous relationship was with someone who was abstinent so he was used to not being able to initiate. Also, admittedly he loves when I initiate. He is trying to initiate more though, he knows how much it means to me. Talk to your man again, tell him how much you want him to try.

Post # 11
Member
9957 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@oracle:  Also, something else that occured to me is this – do you still “date” each other? 

I mean, back when he was hot for you all the time, when you were first together and passionate for each other, think back to how things were.  Try to be that woman again for him. 

What I mean is, we can’t give up on some things if we want to “entice” our lovers to stay attracted to us, and of course with time this gets more challenging for men and women both.

Think of some activity you know he’ll enjoy, or plan an evening out for the two of you alone.  A candlelit romantic dinner, some wine . . . wear a sexy low-cut dress, some killer heels, gaze squarely into his eyes and laugh  at the funny and delightful things he says.  Flirt with him! 

Make him all hot and horny for you again.  Then you won’t have to worry about intiating anything, hehe. 

If he’s like most guys he’ll pick up on your sexy smiles and the subtle hints.

You can do this, lol.  😉

Post # 12
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@oracle:  I think the same thing, maybe I’m not communicating it in a way he understands how I’m feeling. I thought maybe the night I cried myself to sleep was a wakeup call because the next day I was treated like a queen, but it just went right back to him telling me no. I know he’s been working a lot and he is stressed out, but it’s really draining to get all sexy and cute and still get told “later” or “maybe tomorrow” or “let’s do this first” and then have days go by where nothing happens. Then I get really pissed off when he “promises” we’ll do it later and later comes and he’s too “out of it.” I’ve been trying for the last week to get him in the mood and he’s taken care of me a couple of times, but still no real sex. At least he’s given me a little attention though, that’s an improvement.

Post # 13
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@Sunfire:  Thanks for the encouragement – I’m glad YOU have hope! 🙂  We don’t date as much as we did… but that’s also been an ongoing discussion of late – the need to go out on dates!  There’s been lots of reasons why we haven’t- but we have been making more of an effort to go out lately.  When we do, I try to do a grand entrance 🙂 to make him catch his breath 🙂 but… you are SO RIGHT about flirting with him!  I definitely have gotten lazy about that… so, so, so lazy… and need to kick it up in the charming/flirtatious department.

View original reply
@HeatherMM:  sigh.  I totally understand!!  been there, done that – with the promises of later.  It gets my hopes up so high and then is almost worse than not promising at all when it doesn’t happen! 🙁  I really don’t think they know how hurtful we feel… I keep thinking of analogies so the lightbulb will go off, but haven’t figured one out so far… Check out sunfire’s advice… really good stuff in there!  🙂

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@Lyndzo:  I think my DH also enjoys it when I initiate – and, very interesting about the abstaining factor… that may be an unspoken issue for DH… It sounds like you and your DH are figuring things out and hitting your stride 🙂 

Post # 14
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@oracle:  Yeah, I’ve been reading her advice, it is good. I hate it when he promises for later, because I know it still usually doesn’t happen. That was how I ended up breaking down that night, I attempted in the morning, he promised we would later, we went about our day, later came and I could tell he really wasn’t for it but was going to anyway because he promised, then he wanted to just do it fast and get it over with. I told him I wasn’t ready yet, I needed some attention first and he said we’ll just do it tomorrow then. I felt like screaming at him, but instead I told him how I was feeling and he sat there, listening, then he went to sleep without really saying anything. I still don’t think he realizes how I feel when he does these things. It really sucks because when we are together, it’s amazing.

Post # 15
Member
3875 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I have the Same problem. If I don’t initiate it won’t happen… Never was that way before though. He says he “doesn’t know” why he doesn’t—He never turns me down though! It definitely causes problems for us and if we talk about it he is better for 1-2 days then it goes right back to zero initiation. Now if I even bring it up he gets angry because “really? You are bringing that up AGAIN?” and I say “yes… Because it clearly hasn’t been resolved.” ugh. 🙁

Post # 16
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

First off, just listen to Sunfire and the other pps that have given such excellent advice!

What really jumped out at me from your OP was this: “This week, I was so bitter about being the one, I thought about initiating, but did nothing”. Please try to stay out of the cycle of bitterness! It’s so easy to fall into getting caught up in a problem like this, and those feelings of bitterness overshadow and bleed into everything else in your life. Remind yourself that you married a man that does love you, and that you two need each other to come to a resolution

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