(Closed) Help me get over the fact I'm the one who has to initiate….

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 32
4700 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

In the beginning of our relationship I always had to initiate with Fiance…..I got me really paranoid and I went through the same issues as you with confidence.

I finally talked to Fiance about it and he told me that he didn’t want to feel rejected or that he was taking advantage. When I questioned him further about his answer he told me it was how he was made to feel with his ex girlfirend…..she would reject him and berate him for picking a bad time to initiate. He got so scared of the backlash from his ex that he stopped initiating with her….and it flowed into his relationship with me.

I told him I wouldn’t behave like that ever….and no problems ever since.

MY point OP is to ask if this is a behaviour that has arisen from your SO’s past relationships?

Also he may probably think that when you initaite its all fine on the yeast infection front. He probably doesn’t initiate because he feels bad that if he asks and you are unable to go ahead for med reasons that you’ll feel bad and get frustrated and upset. I had thrush a few years ago and it took me a few months after treatment for sex to go back to normal and  to not be painful….that could also be a reason why your hubby doesnt want to initiate….he doesn’t want to hurt you.

You really need to sit down with your hubby and talk about it…..I’m sure he has reasons.

good luck



Post # 33
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@oracle:  Oh man, I can relate to this dilemma.

My DH suffers from the nice guy complex and has told me that he would never want to make me do anything I don’t want to do and he doesn’t want to force himself on me. So he waits a lot for me to make a move, and even farther, he will often even during sex let me take the lead. I don’t like it, I don’t want to feel like I’m ‘the man’ and we’ve talked about it many…many…times. We are both frustrated.  

He thinks about it too much. He says he thinks about ‘taking’ me a lot, but then second guesses if I would want that, etc, etc. So he doesn’t. He tells me that he gets stuck in his own head. Which he does. Even during sex he gets quiet and I can tell he’s thinking about his own performance, he’s told me he wants to satisfy me so bad but he gets in his own way.

Sigh, while I love that he’s that type of guy in life, not so much in the bedroom. It doesn’t turn me on. I like a guy to take charge and be mentally stimulated and even a bit dominated. It feels sexy when men act strong like that. But the problem is, it is not natural for him at all.

I’ve told him first of all, that he knows I speak my mind and I would always tell him if I was uncomfortable, he knows I never do anything I don’t want to do. So he doesn’t have to worry about that, I’ve told him if you want to take me, take me! That would really turn me on! —- he doesn’t really. He still over-thinks it.

The ONE thing I’ve managed to discover, that works, is that my DH is Italian, and I tell him that when he speaks Italian I find it really sexy, so I created this ‘character’ for him with an Italian name and sometimes I’ll encourage him to speak in that character – and it works because then he doesn’t over-think things and acts very confident and silly and turns my mind on and it’s hot!!!

But I feel your pain….it’s an ongoing struggle with us. I can sympathize.

I’m interested in ways to make him feel comfortable taking initiative and being more sexually assertive too.

The kicker is that I’ve had lovers who were sexual fireworks, but a-holes otherwise.

Sigh…I’ll take my nice guy DH anyday but yeah…..this is a tough issue.

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