Help me get rid of jealousy toward pregnant friend

posted 1 month ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I just wanted to say that I understand what you are going through. We are on our 3rd cycle TTC and I know it’s disappointing the longer it takes to finally get pregnant. Do your friends know that you are TTC? Maybe if they know, they may be more cautious talking about pregnancy around you. Besides that, you just need to stay positive on try to focus on your own life, rather than comparing (although I know it’s hard). mus1ca1xo :  

Post # 3
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

Oh I understand completely,  my situation is a little different, I haven’t started trying yet but my FH said after our wedding we could ( June 2020).  He then changed his mind and pushed it back to Christmas 2020, which is so upsetting for me as I want children ASAP.  One of my friends who has been with her partner half the time, and isn’t engaged ( also they are only just moving in together) literally told me the other day they plan on starting TTC in June next year, which has set me off considering I’ve been talking about TTC in June for ages.  It is completely heartbreaking to see others getting what you want so badly, but it’s just important to remember everything happens for a reason.  Take a deep breath and just try to focus on you and your little family.  

Post # 4
Member
5954 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

mus1ca1xo :  These feelings are 100% normal when you’re TTC and it’s taking so much more time than anticipated.  Did you tell her you’ve been trying and it just hasn’t happened for you yet?  If she’s a good friend, you should be able to talk to her about this.  We had a lot of friends and family asking about when we were going to have a baby, and for people I trusted, I would usually just tell them that we’ve been trying for awhile and it’s just not happening for us yet.

We’re currently TTC our second, and I STILL get like this, even though we decided to not start pulling all the stops until next month (although, we’ve hit my FW 5 times while NTNP, so it still stings).  

Honestly, be happy for her, separate yourself as much as possible from baby talk for the meantime… Be easy on yourself.  This journey isn’t easy.

Post # 5
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

Ouch this is rough. At first I was a little mad at you but you clearly recognize this is not the right reaction and you do seem happy for your friend. Why does she get to be pregnant now and not you? Because that’s life. Remembering that no one is out to get you and there isn’t a reason one person gets it easier sometimes than someone else that might help. She seems to realize this is a sore spot so I’m sure she’s a good friend to you. I would bring it up to her. Let her know how absolutely happy you are for her, you want to be there for her, but it’s taken you by surprise how difficult it is to talk about sometimes. Let her know you want all the important updates but you don’t think you can handle too much baby talk at the moment. Good luck to you

Post # 6
Member
2185 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s easy to feel hurt when other people are getting what you want. It sounds like you acknowledge your reaction isn’t ideal, but at the same time, it is how you feel and it’s okay to admit that. It also sounds like you’ve taken time to process why this one was so hard for you, and I think that’s a really good response.

The next step is to decide what you do about it. Others had good suggestions if you want to be open about it with her. But you will feel this way again and you have to figure out how you’ll handle it in the moment and then throughout friends’ pregnancies.

My story is a bit different — we tried longer, with help and a miscarriage in there, but I’m happily pregnant now and I still feel tinges of jealousy when other people announce their pregnancies. What has helped me is to acknowledge the feeling and give myself permission to feel that way, in private, later. In the moment, I do what I can to check my assumptions about that pregnancy — I don’t know what they’re dealing with and the struggles they’ve had. I remind myself that pregnancy isn’t a competition and that if my friend has a perfectly timed, easy pregnancy, I should be happy for her because her pregnancy has no bearing on my fertility or pregnancy. And then I fake it until I make it. If I were excited for this friend, how would I respond? What would I do? Then I do that.

I wish I never felt any jealousy towards other people’s happy news. But it happens — I’m human. So to me, it matters less what I feel initially and more how I choose to respond and support the people around me who I love and care about.

Post # 7
Member
843 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

mus1ca1xo :  I can understand how you are feeling. TTC can make you feel crazy emotions you not normally feel. I had to go through fertility treatments to have my daughter. It was pretty hard dealing with friends who were pregnant. I just did my best be happy for them. Most of the time I was but when I was having a hard time with it all I did have to distance myself on occasion. I later shared with some of them my experiences and turned out a lot of my friends had their own struggle ttc. Anyways if she is a good friend maybe share with her that you have been trying and while you are thrilled for her….you are a little sad for yourself. If she is a good friend she will understand. Good luck with your ttc journey! Fx you get a bfp soon!

Post # 8
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I just came to tell you that you are absolutely NOT terrible, and your feelings are SO understandable. Be gentle with yourself. I am only in my first cycle of TTC, and I can already tell this will be a stressful ride, especially because I so wish we could have begun it years ago. I’m an early-childhood educator, have loved babies since I was a child, and I feel very confident that I was meant to be a mom. With our careers and finances, it unfortunately didn’t make sense for us to try earlier than now, but we are in our early 30s and SO MANY of my friends and acquaintences who have told me they have never so much as held a child before are pregnant or have new babies. I am genuinely very happy for them, but also I’m just straight up jealous that they have the only thing I want and haven’t yet been able to have! I also know their joy won’t cancel out mine when we do get lucky, but it’s still hard! I will be crossing my fingers that you get your BPF soon! xoxo 

Post # 9
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

These feelings are 100% normal. I’m on cycle 15, but my best friend got pregnant after 3 cycles and so I convinced myself for so long that 3 cycles was the longest we’d have to try and every cycle after that (5, 6, 7) I was super bitter and jealous. Obviously, it only gets harder. Wishing you lots of luck with your future babe!!

Post # 11
Member
953 posts
Busy bee

TCC is super emotional. 

None of us are proud of the fact that we get jealous with other people’s news. Of course we *want* to be happy for them. But it hits too close to home. 

You did the best thing – you did just enough to keep these feelings to yourself. That’s all any of us can do. 

I had a miscariagge about 2 weeks before my best freinds baby shower. I have still never told her because I was so afraid I would burst into tears. Our other freinds were preganant with thier first when we started trying, a year later they’re preganant with thier second. So yeah, this doesn’t get any easier. 

I think the best thing we can do is try to be sensetive to our own needs. We can’t be other people’s cheerleaders all the time. And also try to be sensetive so that if/when we get pregnant we try to minimize other poeple having the same reaction to our news. 

Post # 12
Member
13582 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Darling Husband and I have been trying for 15 months.  It SUCKS.  But you need to be happy for other people getting what they want, too.  

If you’re comfortable, confide in your friends about your difficulties.  I hid from it at first, but when I opened up to a few friends about it, I felt so much better.  At least they knew what I was going through.

The hardest part for me was hearing Darling Husband being so jealous of someone after I had a miscarriage.  He saw a pregnant woman at work and came home and said “why not us?” and it killed me.  But I just have to have faith and hope that things will work out.  And when we decide to go for IUI or IVF, I have to have faith that our family will grow.

 

xoxo Bee. It sucks. I get it.  PM me ay time you need to talk.  

Post # 13
Member
1504 posts
Bumble bee

Hugs. I get it. Think of it this way, you ultimately want YOUR own LO, not hers or anyone elses. Be kind to yourself 

Post # 14
Member
470 posts
Helper bee

Since your friend asked you if you were ok about her sharing her baby news, she clearly saw that you were not ok.  That’s not a question someone asks otherwise.  My advice would be to be honest and tell her why you were not ok, and still aren’t ok, because she can tell something is wrong.  If you don’t tell her what’s what, she may come to believe you aren’t happy for her and/or are just a bitch or something.  You aren’t really able to hide your feelings (which you are perfectly entitled to have!), so don’t lie to her on top of it by saying you’re fine and everything’s fine.

Post # 15
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

I am so sorry you are stuggling with these feelings. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s hard not to compare your situation to other people. I am waiting to miscarry my second pregnancy (first also ended in MC and I would have been due sometime last month I think). It’s really hard for me not to feel jealous of my friends who have two children or more and my coworkers who happily announce their pregnancies. I don’t think it matters how long you have been trying, I think it’s natural to have these feelings when it doesn’t happen right away. I try to force myself to remember that everyone has a different journey and I don’t know what struggles other people have had, but it’s hard to see others have children while it feels like it’s is going to take forever for me.

 

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