- 2 years ago
- Wedding: December 2014
Hi bees, in need of support right now as I don’t feel comfortable with talking about this to any of my friends, other than DH. DH and I are currently TTC, in cycle 4-5. I know it’s not a long time, but it still really stings seeing friends and acquaintences sharing pregnancy news on social media every few weeks. But none truly brought out the green-eyed monster until last weekend.
DH and I were hanging out with some close friends over the weekend. Literally the moment I sat down on the couch, my friend A tells me she’s pregnant. I congratulated her and tried my best keeping a happy and excited face and was worried that the sadness I’m actually feeling would surface. Don’t hate me…The reason I’m jealous, shocked, and a myriad of other feelings is because A had always been the least eager on being a mum. She was always saying she wasn’t ready and don’t plan on trying yet, was uncertain about whether she wanted kids, etc. But I guess they were NTNP instead of 100% preventing. Anyway, I hugged her and went along with the remaining conversation, but my mind was so far off for the remainder of the evening. My DH noticed and held my hand.
I went home and cried, feeling ashamed of having these thoughts. I know these jealous feelings are normal, but, I can’t help but ask, “why is she pregnant already and I’m not?” I’ve been putting extra effort in preparing my health, taking pre-natal, picking up on a healthier lifestyle, etc. but she didn’t even wanted a baby yet, and now she’s pregnant without even trying? Seriously I feel sick just writing these words, for being such a terrible person. I am super happy for my friend, and I’m so glad another baby is joining our friends group, but…I’m also disappointed in myself.
The next day, my friend called me chatting about unrelated things. Then she asked me whether I’m ok yesterday when she shared her news. Of course I reassured her, but as she continued her pregnancy talks, I tried so hard to push back tears. I wondered if she saw the sadness I had yesterday? Immediately I felt guilty for ever having these feelings when I should be happy and supportive for my friend as she enters this sudden new stage.
I know I need to stay positive. I know we haven’t been trying long. I know I shouldn’t compare. I know I should focus on other parts of my life. I know I need to get over this. DH says it’s fate, and it will happen when the time is right. But it’s just so hard. I can’t help but wonder if something is wrong with me.
Bees, help me kill this green-eyed monster with photos of your cute pets. My pup was nuzzling me the whole night I came home as if he sensed my sadness.