(Closed) Help me get these BM’s to help with the shower!

posted 6 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
8520 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

BM’s do not have to throw a shower- it is a gift that they may choose to give. If you would like to throw a shower that is great and I am sure your friend will appreciate it but you can not make these other girls participate.

I think you just have to let it go and if they offer to help great. Plan the party that you can afford and accept the help from girl.

Post # 5
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Nlmiele:  If no one is helping, then I would plan the party myself and not give credit or input where it is not deserved. Truthfully, it’s not always easy planning with multiple people, who want differnt things and are in different locations or don’t know eachother well.  Like PP said, plan the shower you can afford and the way you want it (along with the friend).  I think you will be able the throw the party you want, and I’m sure the bride will appreciate you and your effort very very much!

Post # 6
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

It’s probably a little too vague for them. If you ask someone a specific amount- “Can you chip in $25 for the shower?”, you’d probably get better results. Also, j_jaye is correct, bridesmaids aren’t required to host a shower- it’s great that you are planning this, but you don’t have to. (And what is the Future Sister-In-Law supposed to say to being a bridesmaid- no?)

If money’s going to be an issue, why not host it at someone’s host, and have the girls (and willing friends) bring food? Showers don’t have to be over the top events. 

Post # 7
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Nlmiele:  Totally agree.  But unfortunately there are others who don’t see it that way. 🙁

Post # 9
Member
8520 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Nlmiele:  Thats a pretty materialistic view to have! Friends shouldn’t have to shell out a huge amount of money for anyone elses wedding especially if they can not afford it!

Being a Bridesmaid or Best Man means offering emotional support and being a witness to the nuptuials- the wedding industry has made it about throwing parties and gifts! 

Post # 11
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

What about having it at one of the bride’s relative’s home? Tell the homeowner she doesn’t have to do anything but provide the house. 

Post # 12
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Nlmiele:  Have you discussed the predicament with the bride? She may have a little more insight into how to deal with these folks – after all, she’s the closest to them and may have a little more hint of their personalities AND their financial situations. She may be able to give you some tips, or just nudge these other girls to be a little more communicative with you. As a bridesmaid perhaps we focus on supporting the bride herself but forget we need to work as a team with other bridesmaids!

I agree that if one agrees to be a bridesmaid, one should agree to a certain level of committment to the wedding process. Now, whether that is a financial committment, a time committment, an i-promise-i-won’t-kill-you-for-calling-me-again-about-the-damn-peonies committment… well, that’s different for every situation. It’s just important that people be honest about what they can do, what they expect, and keep the lines of communication open. On ALL sides.

It sounds like you really are doing your best – hang in there, and from THIS bride – thanks for being a great bridesmaid!

Post # 14
Member
4325 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Nlmiele:  I understand where you are coming from. You are trying to throw a shower in the spirit of being a good friend, and no one is offering to help whatsoever. It’s frustrating tackling a task that someone may have given previous indication to being all about, and then finding out they could care less. I have run into this scenario myself.

Since you said the shower would be 4 months away, why not snag a local park / picnic area and just make it a more informal gathering? You can specify on the cards / invites for people to bring a dish if they want, but if you do not want the hassle of worrying whether people will follow through, why not just supply cake, ice cream and punch? Assemble a few outdoorsy shower games, and have a splendid time that way?

You don’t have to “put out” anyone who isn’t willing to help, and you aren’t having to vie for space in someone’s home. I like this idea personally, and if your bridesmaid counterparts want something different, they can step up and offer solutions.

Post # 15
Member
2602 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I didn’t even know BMs were supposed to pay for the shower. Are they? 

I mean, consider the price of being a bridesmaid (and I’m being quite conservative, estimating costs in a major city like LA):

Dress – $120

Alterations – $40

Shoes – $60

Shower gift – $40

Wedding gift – $50

Bachelorette Party – $150 (everything, plus paying bride’s portion)

Hair & Makeup – $50

…That’s over $500. And like I said, that’s relatively conservative–I mean, you could cut those prices in half and it would still be around $300 or so, which is not peanuts. 

 

I agree with rebwana–they probably need a more direct target. $25 from 6 people (I’m including you) is not a lot, but it’s doable for a smaller shower and especially if you hold it at someone’s home and ask the bride for a list of people that she think might be willing to contribute a dish or two for a potluck. The BMs aren’t the only ones who can be involved with planning, btw–I’ve been to showers hosted by the bride’s in-laws, her mother, or her siblings. 

I’m also pretty sure that if you are definitively in the roll of the “planner” then the BMs are not helping because it’s not their role to facilitate. So just like you tell them, “$25 contribution, please” you can also try (nicely!) emailing them and saying, “Okay, I need some people to do XYZ” like, come 2 hours early to set up or stay 1 hour late to clean-up. Specific will probably help you out in this case. 

Post # 16
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My shower venue was free (a penthouse hall in my great aunts appartment building). There is food and invites and a few other things but my bridesmaids are all on a budget and I dont have any problem with that. Can you be creative for the shower even doing a them like picnic in the park and hold the event at a cost effective park.

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