(Closed) Help me help him :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It sounds to me like he is being extremely clear with you. I think you need to respect his choices. I say give him some space, and when things have calmed down speak to him again and see if it was legitimate feelings, or a symptom of stress.

I don’t think there anything you can do to make him to “get over it”. I know several people who never want to get married again and nothing would change their minds. He made his position clear, and you have to decide if love is enough to stay without marriage.It’s unfortunate but if he made up his mind on marriage you need to respect that.

Post # 4
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@twocitybride: +1

Post # 5
9 posts
  • Wedding: May 2014

Hey, if you truly love him you need to fight for him! But not in the sense that you try to solve all his problems and take away his fears of marriage. Help him by giving him space. It is obviously too much for him to handle at the same time, so tell him you understand his decision and that you are always there for him to help him in any way or form. The least thing he needs is you not accepting his decision and who he is!!!

I know it sounds impossible to do at this point, but just be there for him as a friend and give him room to think. Distance can make wonders for both of you. Also think about what you wrote, are you afraid of letting go because you are afraid of being alone? Or do you believe there is no better person as him out there for you?

Post # 6
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Would have been nice of him to tell you that before you moved in together… but whatever.  Now you know.  I would let him go.

Post # 9
1339 posts
Bumble bee

@UltrasoundTech:  oh my stop letting age 30 scare you to find someone else! He told you what he wants and you cannot change a mans mind. You need to get a hold of yourself and move on. I’m sorry but you do.

Post # 10
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@UltrasoundTech:  Wow that is incredibly selfish.  I am sorry this is happening.  30 is super young!  And there are tons of good guys out there — I think we all go through this when we end a longish relationship.

But wouldn’t you rather have someone on the same path as you, who wants the same things as you rather than being terminally afraid because of some experience that has zero to do with you?

Unless you’re okay with not getting married… that’s always an option!

Post # 11
1572 posts
Bumble bee

I think it sounds like he is in a rough patch right now. It is tough when people have a lot of friends going through divorce, it often makes them fear that kind of commitment, especially if they have been through it too. Let him know that you are there to support him and leave the door open, but let him go. It is up to you whether or not he is worth fighting for, but with the trust issues and baggage he comes with (as mentioned in your last post) I definitely think it is time to get a fresh start for you both. Appreciate that he was honest about not being able to meet your expectations – if you try and push him into a role he isn’t ready for, you may end up hurt. Don’t let your age scare you, there are always great people out there, many women in my family didn’t get married till they were in their late 30s or even 40s and they have great catches that were worth the wait 🙂 Best of luck to you both!

Post # 13
40 posts

I was in a kind of similar situation. My SO was getting so much pressure from his family that I was not right for him, he started pulling away from me. He wanted space to re-evaluate. 

I gave him exactly what he wanted. I realized quickly the negotiating and trying to solve the problems was only pushing him away. 

I left. I cut off contact and tried to improve my life. I worked on myself and it was an amazing time spiritually. That gave SO exactly the time to evaluate what was important to him. 

He chose me over his family and that break up was the best thing that happened to our relationship. I’m not saying that will happen to you, but please do spend time on yourself. 

If he comes back, great. Otherwise, you’ve moved on. 

Post # 15
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

If you can live with never getting married I suggest you tell him that and how you want to just be with him and work this all out.  Working it out wont be easy because he sounds like he has some things he needs to work through but noone’s perfect.

If you know that you can’t live without ever getting married then let him go.  He’s being a gentleman and telling you he can’t give you that.  He’s being a gentleman and the chance of him changing his mind is slim to none (don’t go hoping on that chance).

Post # 16
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

1) don’t let age ever be apart of your decision making! All my friends who freaked out about age in their early to mid 30’s are now divorced or really, really unhappy. I made peace with being single forever. I met Darling Husband when I was 38 (unemployed, recovering from a long term illness and living with my parents) and married at 40. So totally worth the wait. 

2) give him space. That means little to no contact and NO SEX. If what you think is going on is really what is going on –meaning he loves you but is freaking out, then you have to make him feel what life would be like if you are no longer there. Don’t think that by always being there, it will make him miss you and if you disappear, he’ll forget about you. It’s the opposite. In fact, change your VM message so it’s not your voice. Don’t let him get a ‘hit’ of you by listening to your VM message. Does’t mean you can’t talk at all, just means you have to limit it to 1-2 times a week for 15 mins or so. (and don’t pick up the phone when he calls or text back immediately. Wait 12-24 hours to respond) If he really does want you, he’ll be back within 8 weeks. If he’s not back within 8 weeks, he has moved on and so should you.

3)Yes, I’ve done this. Darling Husband freaked out at the 5 month mark and we broke up. He just wanted to be friends. So I did what I listed above–kept conversations short, never responded immediately, only spoke a few times a week. We did occasionally go to dinner or a movie “as friends”. I made sure I looked amazing and I never let him blur the lines and allow it to get physical. If he want to be just friends, that’s what we were. Well, a month later he realized how much he missed me and how much better his life was with me than without me and we got back together. 

4) dont try to overanylze what he’s feeling or try to convince him that he is just freaking out. As much as you can see what is going on from an outside perspective, you have to trust that your man know what he doing from his perspective. When you try to convince him otherwise what you are telling him is “Your ability to know what you are thinking and feeling is trustworthy.” He will either dig in his heels to prove to you he is right or he will cave and stay in the relationship, but the get-out feeling will still be there. Love him and trust him and give him space–that is  your gift to him. 

Good Luck!

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