(Closed) Help me NOT be a passive aggressive monster

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

 I kind of know how you are feeling. Especially when aunt flow is here! Sometimes I feel like its his activity… and we can’t do mine. But I also think it depends what it is. If I want to lay on the beach and hang out, since I haven’t got my fins for snorkeling yet, that should be ok. But if I want him to go watch Glee in 3D, i can’t get upset with him. That’s what my friends are for.

So if he likes play’s and stuff, I’m not sure why he wouldn’t want to go. But maybe the things you want to do, he’s not interested in? Like the running, wine tasting, those are great ideas! 

What things do you both have in common?

 

Post # 4
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

OH the joys of Aunt flow and being a woman in general!

I think that as awesome as it feels to dig in some passive aggressiveness, you are much better off building lasting communication skills with your FH. Try to resist !

Seems like having opposite hobbies has harbored some personal feelings of feeling left out and lacking balance. I think every woman goes through feelings similar no matter what their Fiance /DH/SO is into. it makes it ten times worse since you can only see each other on weekends Definitely either take up climbing to some degree to be included or make him recognize that you need to have together time and less separate time so you can have good balance once your married and living together.

Post # 6
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

hmm.. I’m not sure? I’m sorry. I know some guys like their “guy” time.. could that be it? But you only see each other on the weekends, so that weekend you won’t see him then? 

I know how you feel about “guilting” him into it. I don’t want Fiance to do anything because he thinks he has to. 

Post # 7
Member
46414 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Can you agree to alternate who chooses the activity for the weekends you are together?

One weekend, you choose, with no complaints from him. Next weeked, vice versa.

Block out the “special” days on your calendar now for 2012 so you don’t run into scheduling problems or lapses of memory.

There will always be things that come up, but if you are planning on getting marrid, you must be able to negotiate those.

Post # 8
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

don’t hit that send button yet on your email! while i totally understand how you’re feeling, there’s really no need to say stuff like “hanging out with me is such a drag” etc.  And you know this, that’s why you came on here for advice.  So, my advice: start off your email saying that you’re upset and you were really looking forward to spending time with him.  You know that he’s now offered to change his plans but you don’t want to feel like you ‘forced’ him into this. So whatever he says to you right now – he really can’t win and it’s like neither can you. If he spends the weekend with you, you’ll be resentful, and if he doesn’t spend the weekend with you, you’ll be resentful. But you guys are a team and you should be working towards the same thing – a happy relationship.

How about you say to him in an email or over the phone, “either you can spend the weekend with your friend and then you better come up with a DAMN good way to make it up to me, and we’re gonna have the best anniversary ever, and we may or may not have lots of sex if you’re lucky (wink, wink) [this to take the edge off!] OR you can spend our anniversary weekend with me and I promise to make it worth your while… and next time your wanna go rock climbing with your friend, i won’t lose my cool.”

(my Fiance ended up totally screwing up our anniversary dinner this year. I decided I could either hold it against forever or just make him take me out for a better one because that one didn’t count!  when we had our argument about it, he instantly agreed to take me out again when I suggested it because i was yelling ‘that doesn’t count! that was shit!’ and he was like, ok, sure let’s do it over.  Sometimes we just can’t have the anniversaries we want, lol!)

Also you really don’t want to be saying passive aggressive things because they just do not help anything at all – just come out and say the truth. You miss him, you love him and you were looking forward to spending time with him.  So of course you are upset (but that is because it is difficult having a LDR).  You’ve brought this up before with him – clearly things haven’t been resolved so maybe you guys need to sit down with your diaries and pencil in the next 6 months or something. That way there will be no assumptions or disappointments. it sounds like you have put a lot of effort into planning fun activities for both of you to do, tell him it’s now his job to come up with a NEW activity for you both to do as well. Maybe one thing every 3 months (and even if he choses something crap – tough!  if you give him a task then be prepared to deal with the consequences…)

I have so been there girl, so I hope this is helpful. usually I end up being passive aggressive when I’m too scared to be honest about how I’m feeling.  so i just end up being really sarcastic.  it’s not good, and throw in a period? it’s like the world is coming to an end!

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Trust me, I am very passive agressive as well!! If you want to be less, than just state facts.

I feel like we only do things you want to do, and when I suggest things I want to do, you don’t want to do them.

I want to participate in some of your climbing weekends, but you never ask me anymore, and I feel left out.

 

Things like that. No matter how much you want to put the digs in there – don’t! I think by letting him know how you are feeling, it might help things.

What works for me and the hubs is we give and take. Yes, i have friends to do some things with, but I do like for him to do things with me even if he doesn’t want. And he can’t pout or bitch about it

Post # 10
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

ps – living in London there are some amazing theatre shows here. How many times have we been to the theatre together? Let’s see, never.  and it’s because he doesn’t want to go. I’m like, I want you to WANT to go, and he doesn’t so we don’t.  Should I force him? well, maybe but it’s expensive so I go with my girlfriends because then at least I know it’s enjoyable instead of him sitting there being miserable!!  but it still annoys me sometimes…

Post # 11
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I promise you I’m not trying to insult you when I say this, but I truly feel that if you are passive/aggressive by nature, that it is simply the fact that you have a problem with confrontation which stems from insecurity.  And I don’t mean overall you’re this insecure nutjob or anything, but when it comes to expressing yourself, you are (insecure, not a nut job lol).  You’re nervous that if the person you are confronting comes back at you with something, you won’t have the balls/brains/comeback that you desire to have.  It’s as simple as that.

 

If anything, when I’m on my period, I am UBER confrontational (as if I’m not confrontational enough already).  If it’s just your nature, it’s who you are but I do believe you can make the change.  Just take the time to think about what you want to say in private, maybe even talk to yourself in the car or whatever sort of “rehearsing” and maybe it will help you in communicating your problems better with him rather than guilting him into things with passive/aggressiveness that you are admitting and are also admitting you’re not proud of.

 

Just try to relax and think about what you want to say.  If you really prefer emailing, then sleep on any emails you draft and read them the next morning to make sure you still want to say what you’ve written.

 

Good luck:)

Post # 12
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MrsSl82be: Good advice. I think that your post here actually does a really good job at detailing what you’re feeling and why. If you want to send him an email, maybe you should copy and paste what you’ve written here into an email?

I think you really need to communicate, communicate, communicate. Especially in short, straightforward sentences as @MrsSl82be suggested above:

“When you plan fun weekend outings without inviting me along, I feel left out.”

“It upset me that you forgot about our anniversary, but the thought of you cancelling your plans to spend the weekend with me makes me feel like you’re just doing it out of guilt.”

“I feel like I frequently make an effort to plan things that fit into your immediate interests, but I don’t feel like you’re invested in participating in mine.”

Etc.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Post # 13
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@nontraditionalmiami:I promise you I’m not trying to insult you when I say this, but I truly feel that if you are passive/aggressive by nature, that it is simply the fact that you have a problem with confrontation which stems from insecurity.  And I don’t mean overall you’re this insecure nutjob or anything, but when it comes to expressing yourself, you are (insecure, not a nut job lol).  You’re nervous that if the person you are confronting comes back at you with something, you won’t have the balls/brains/comeback that you desire to have.  It’s as simple as that.

How is this any different than calling yourself confrontational?

Post # 14
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@mckernae: Thank you 🙂 I have to remind myself to respond in these manners, so as not to hurt the others feelings, or start arguments over the way I word things. This seems to be the best way to convey it in a written document, without being bitchy. Hopefully it works!

Post # 16
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Elle_Neotoma: glad you feel better and you deleted that email!  I think they all tend to ‘freeze’ at the sight of tears, lol!  he’ll get used to it eventually….

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