No one wants you to be oppressed Stephanie. Oppression is not conducive to a happy life. If your future husband is oppressing you, taking his name is the least of your worries.
Even though I am indulging my bf by taking his name, I would never disagree with the feminist perspective. Way back in 87, at 16, I too started believing all this wedding stuff was sexist crap. If you think long enough about traditions like wearing a veil and being walked by one man to meet another, it is indeed pretty creepy. The whole princess for a day thing is a little creepy if you think about it long enough. It’s not about equality. It’s spending a ton of money to indulge one woman’s fantasy of being special. If that floats your boat, great. Personally, I’m (not feminist!) way too Regan era rebel to be caught dead in a wedding dress, with a diamond ring on, being given away.
So, feminists, I hear ya. I’d like to issue a friendly challenge to feminist brides to be. If you’re going to talk the talk, walk the walk. Ditch the ring, veil, dress and being walked by one man to join another. Start new traditions where the bride is but one component of the celebration. Stop waiting for proposals with diamonds. That’s him making an offer on you to the world. Decide together to join. Buy rings of equal value together. Feminists like to stand behind one issue, name changing, and wave their flags. Go all the way if you feel so strongly about it.
Stephanie, if you don’t want his name, just say so to him. Put an end to the conflict by making a decision. He may not like your decision, but he will accept it. If he can’t, then it wasn’t meant to be. This isn’t the last disagreement you’re going to have. But you can learn from it so future disagreements don’t have to hurt as much. Don’t do something you don’t want to do unless he is worth it.
I’m not going to defend your future husband, but offer a little perspective. Most men are not nearly into wedding details like women are. Caring about details like cushion cut vs. pear, blush vs. champagne and orchids vs. roses does not come naturally to most men. They have to listen to us drone on and on and on about every little detail. They smile and indulge us when they probably couldn’t give a crap less about reception napkins. It goes on for months. They indulge us because they love us.
What about their dream? For my man, he wants to see the ocean, with me on one arm and our daughter on the other, all with the same name. That’s literally it. Even to elope to OC like we are, he’s had to listen to endless details about where I’m getting flowers, honey look at this cake, what about this dress. He just smiles even though he doesn’t give a crap lol. And there is going to be 5+ more months of listening to me talk lol. But I’m getting my dream. And I want him to have his too. He isn’t oppressing me. That is silly.
Compare your dream to his one last time before you make up your mind. If you don’t want to take his last name, tell him and let that be that. Be firm, be kind and start the healing process.
Have a super day Stephanie and other bees. 🙂