Help me put a fire under my 46 year old boyfriends butt!

posted 7 days ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I really hate to say this bee, but at 46 years old if he has no fire, he will never get fire.

You can’t force someone to be motivated to do anything, they need to be motivated to do it themselves from within themselves. At that age (actually at any age above 25 for most men), his life and motivation levels are fairly set in stone and unless he wants it, there isn’t too much you can do to change him. 

Do you know why his previous engagement never ended in marriage? I am wondering if he was afraid to commit then too, that would be a huge red flag and a good way to see what route your relationship may take too. 

I would give him the ultimatum and stick with it, especially if you want children. Tell him if he doesn’t propose or things don’t change by X date, you’ll walk. You may end up waiting for this man way past your child bearing years..

Post # 3
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

Do you need to have a man to have kids? Is it something you can or would do on your own?

Post # 4
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

A sense of urgency on your part does not make an emergency  on his part….he doesn’t share the same feelings or short term goals, how can you plan for long term? One of you is going to lose if you want different things and can compromise.  jmho but don’t sell your house. Not until your relationship ship is where you both want it. 

Post # 5
Member
4316 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

clawly6317 :  remind him that a child is a life long commitment. Why would he consider children with you, but not marriage?

Post # 6
Member
695 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

It sounds like you should be finding someone else with the same long-term goals as you.

Post # 7
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I would set a walk date and also stick firm to your own boundaries of not moving into a house he buys without an engagement.

Post # 8
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

If he doesn’t want to marry you at this point, he’s not going to get there. He is too old to change his mind or grow into being ready. He is just dragging you along. You can’t change him or how ready he is. It’s time to move on.

Also, there are ways to have children without getting pregnant. That might be a good option for you and a future spouse, so don’t use that as something that keeps you with this man. He will not be your husband and probably wouldn’t make a good father if he can’t even commit to you.

Post # 9
Member
2423 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

clawly6317 :  I don’t know him, obviously, do I can’t say this would work but I’m irritated by your story and if I were in your position I would respond to “everything comes in time” with “and people go in time when made to wait too long, so make a choice, are you coming or going because I’m fucking done standing still”. Disclaimer: I am in “a mood” today though, to be completely honest so my advice may not be great…..or it might be spot on, who knows?

Post # 10
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

He can afford to have children or buy a house but not an engagement ring????…..Sounds odd to me. 

Post # 11
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

My ex was 11 years my senior and while we did get married, he didn’t really want to be and I forced it. Your story sounds eerily familiar and I doubt it will end well. 

You’re young (I am 34 too) and I think you deserve better. My ex was a nice guy and I loved him to pieces too but if you don’t have the same goals in life it will never work. Most people in their 40’s are pretty suck in their ways and from the looks of it, it seems like he is too. 

Best of luck bee! 

 

Post # 12
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee

You are with a weak man who does not want to marry you, but will never ever admit this to you because he’s too much of a coward.

How do I know?

Because:  hes concerned that im always tired and im not a very passionate, romantic person

He doesn’t “know” you’re the one for him. He’s finding things about you he doesn’t think he can live the rest of his life with. 

Whether he’s a commitment phobe who is just grasping at excuses, or he just doesn’t like certain things about you, this guy is NOT going to marry you any time soon. 

I’m always tired. It goes back both to childhood trauma (C-PTSD) and introversion. My husband has never ONCE judged me for it. If he comes home after work to find me laying in bed rather than cleaning the house, he asks if he can get me anything or what I want for dinner. He doesn’t JUDGE me for something I have no control over. 

My husband isn’t a very passionate, romantic person. But I don’t judge him for it or try to change him. I love HIM. And if being with him means not having a ton of passion and romance, I’m totally fine with that. Because he is so much better than silly notions about passion and romance. 

The fact that your partner is judging you for these things and throwing them in your face is a MASSIVE red flag. He doesn’t see you as “the one.” Therefore he is never going to propose to you. 

Stop wasting your time right this minute and kick him out. 

All the nonsense about buying a house and calling you controlling just seriously pisses me off on your behalf. A man calling a woman “controlling” for having standards and expectations of him is sexist in the extreme. He’s wanting to have his cake and eat it, too. 

Back to the drawing board for you. 

ETA: And don’t discount younger men. I met Darling Husband when I was 31 and he was 27. We moved in together at 8 months and got engaged at 20 months. Married at 2.5 years. You CAN start over now and still do everything you want to do. Don’t waste any more time settling for this asshole.

Post # 13
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

clawly6317 :  It sounds like he has no intention to marry you, I’m sorry to say that.

You’re still relatively early on in your relationship, but you’re not kids anymore and if he can’t even give you a timeline or have a rational conversation i.e not saying it’s your fault he hasn’t proposed (being tired, not passionate) then I don’t think it’s ever going to happen.

Post # 14
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was unaware that it costs money to get engaged. Is there paperwork you have to file? Are there fees to announce it and officially change your status from dating to engaged? An engagement ring is completely arbitrary. Also, it can range anywhere from $50 to $50K. I’m not sure how someone can’t afford to get engaged. This sounds like a delay tactic. 

clawly6317 :  I’m sorry you’re in this position with your partner. I would give him one last chance to provide you with his timeline/plans for your future together. 

“I’d like to reiterate that my relationship goals include getting engaged, married, and starting a family, preferably in that order and in the next 1-2 years. Does this timeline work with your plans? Do you have different goals or plans? Can we find some middle ground and make plans to move forward together?”

Vague responses like “we can’t afford to get married” or “everything in it’s time” are BS and not acceptable. Please do not let him string you along with nonsense. 

Otherwise, kick his indecisive, wishy-washy butt to the curb. 

Post # 15
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Pay attention to your gut bee.  Everything we’re saying to you, you’ve already said to yourself.  If having children is really an urgent thing then don’t waste anymore time on a man who simply wants to string you along all because he’s in his comfort zone and doesn’t want to move out of it.

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