- 3 months ago
Hi! So I am very new here and after stalking this site for a while and reading threads about similar women in my situation, I felt compelled to join and use this as my sounding board for help and advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We are 13 years apart – ill be 34 in March, him 47 in April. We met online and hit it off immediately. I knew he was it for me very early on. Both of us have been previously engaged. Neither one of us were ever married or have children. It turned out that once we met, we figured out that both of our families knew eachother… his father and my mother went to high school together and my cousin and his sister were best friends growing up. Small world, right?
5 months into the relationship, he brought up to me 3 times about moving in together… i was hesitant about doing it because I had always wanted to be engaged prior to, in fear of moving in with a guy who gets comfortable with things as they are and has no motivation to marry. I thought about it a good amount, followed my gut and agreed to allow him to move in with me as I own my Co Op and he had a rental lease that was to expire. He told me he would never get engaged to someone without living with them firstly. I understood that and stressed to him many, many, many times before he moved in with me that I wanted to get engaged and be married soon and not in years because I want to have children and Im getting older. He completely understood.
So, its been 8 months since hes moved in… within the last 3 months or so theres been 2 discussions that have turned into arguments over me wanting to get engaged. He will bring up to me about “when we have kids” and when “we buy a house” in conversation, but as soon as I bring up getting married to bring all of this to fruition, he shuts down and tells me not to pressure him. Tells me he cant afford to get engaged (which i know is entirely untrue), tells me we havent been together long enough, tells me hes concerned that im always tired and im not a very passionate, romantic person and tells me “all things come in time.” Refuses to give me any kind of time frame and now I feel like my entire life/future is onhold indefinitely and its unfair to me.
Less than a week after our last argument, my boyfriend brought up to me that he wants to buy a house for “us” to live in because he wants more space, a yard etc and doesnt want to live in a building much longer. The man who told me he has no money to get engaged is now trying to sell me on the idea of selling/subletting my home and moving into a house that he wants to buy. I very calmly looked him in the face and told him im not moving until theres a commitment. Hes free to do what he wants with his money. He got mad at me and said I was being controlling and putting him in a position that if he bought a house id leave him by not giving into what he wanted. I told him I wasnt being controlling, but setting boundaries for myself.
I had to have surgery in september to remove precancerous tissue off my cervix due to a high risk HPV infection I have. I also have a genetic blood disorder that automatically labels me high risk pregnancy due to a high miscarriage rate. I am also now in my mid 30s and cannot continue to push all of this off. I have explained this to my boyfriend and he just tells me “everything in time.” He has told me many times that he wants to get married and have children, but at almost 47 years of age, there is no sense of urgency on his behalf.
I believe I am with a man who has commitment fears and I dont know what more to do here without threatening to throw him out once we hit the one year mark of him moving in. I love him very much but he has like no idea what this is doing to me. In these arguments we have had, I have always said to him ” if im not the one for you and you do not want to get married, i need to know that.” Ive told him how much I love him, but I cannot stay in a dead end relationship at this stage of my life and invest years that I dont have. He tells me that he’s happy and that “everything comes in time.”…. i just feel like hes placating me but its eating me up inside.
What are your thoughts and suggestions on this? Am I rushing this with him? Is it inappropriate to be wanting this at this point in our relationship and be pushing for it when its a need and desire I have to want with him?