Help me put a fire under my 46 year old boyfriends butt!

posted 4 days ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

I’m so proud of you for standing your ground!!!! Now you just need to kick him to the curb and move on to the next. To be honest, I think it’s safe to say your SO is too old to be interested in having kids and is just scared to tell you. He’s a hair away from 50 and if it were a priority he’d be the one dragging you down the aisle.

With your biological clock ticking enough as it is, then the medical complications making you very high risk, it doesn’t sound like you’d have a high chance of carrying a child to term with him anyway. Men also have a biological clock and his is at the 11th hour both in quality and quantity. 

Good riddance and good luck in your next relationship! You handled yourself well here and I’m confident you’ll find the right guy!

Post # 32
Member
1951 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Chateau Lake Louise

clawly6317 :  More than anything else, this stood out to me: “He got mad at me and said I was being controlling and putting him in a position that if he bought a house id leave him by not giving into what he wanted.”

Um, whut?

You are being controlling by not giving in to what he wants? Even the fact that he characterizes it as “giving in” rather than compromising or coming around is telling. He doesn’t seem too concerned about you getting what YOU want, but you are supposed to “give in” or you are being controlling? This doesn’t compute, at all.

And as for you “leaving” again; huh? You deciding to stay put in your secure situation, where you own your residence rather than follow him to a house without that same degree of certainty is just SMART AND SANE not an end to the relationship. The fact he views it that way is pretty telling – boundaries are a healthy expression of autonomy and maturity. What he’s describing is manipulative and coercive. Moreover, that he sees boundaries as threats makes me think he’d be likely to issue his own when pressed. 

I think this guy might be a dud. He shifts from saying “just keep waiting” to “here are the reasons I don’t want to marry you” as though they are interchangeable, which they are not. It isn’t your job to convince him you are worthy of being his wife, and if he tends to lash out and be critical when he doesn’t get his way, you might want to rethink whether you want the position. 

I’d stay put. Tell him he should definitely buy a house if that’s what he wants, but that it isn’t your intention to join him unless and until you are engaged. It’s not a threat, it’s a statement of fact.

Buying real property is a huge commitment, as is parenthood. He seems very cavalier about those things, in contrast with a somewhat irrational hesitance about marriage. When you are 47 you simply do not have the luxury of anticipating plenty of somedays. If he isn’t ready now, it seems very unlikely he’s going to get ready.

I met my FH when i was 38 – you still have lots of time. I would acknowledge that though you may love each other, this relationship has run its course, and you are ready to start building your future with someone who wants the same things, and wants them with you, just as you are.

Hugs Bee. 

Post # 33
Member
9320 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

clawly6317 :  

I love him very much but he has like no idea what this is doing to me. 

 

Au contraire, dear Bee. He knows exactly how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. Based on the articulateness you have shown here, there is little chance that your bf is unaware.

He’s not clueless.  He’s indifferent. He doesn’t care what you want. His needs are what matters to him.

I don’t want to overstate the age thing, but, at 47 he’s not really experiencing any great need to change his life. Why should he?  He has been doing things his way and only considering himself for many years now.

My hunch is, he exasperated the last woman who thought she could get him to the altar.

As for commitment fears, that is rarely the case. Does he have a job or career?  He committed to that. Does he stay in contact with his family? Friends? He’s committed. If he has a pet (which I doubt), that’s more commitment. Does have a favorite sports team he follows with religious devotion? He’s perfectly happy with that commitment. Except when they lose.  But, guys get over these things.

Men are happy to make commitments. When it’s something they really want to do.

Again, I’m going to harp on his age.  If you get exactly what you want, becoming a father at 48+ is not necessarily the best thing for the child. Just as the child is ready for the raucous play of healthy children, dad’s going to be seeking peace, quiet, and comfort.

To be even more blunt, not many teenagers would be thrilled to have a 62 year old dad. And that dad may not be sold on the idea of picking dear teenager up or losing sleep waiting for the Wayward One.

Not saying you’re doomed and it can’t work out. Just testing reality a little.

That’s what you’ve got, Bee.

Post # 34
Member
2475 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t waste anymore time with this guy. 

He’s 46 years old, you’ve been dating a year and a half, and he won’t even DISCUSS getting engaged, let alone set a timeline? It doesn’t sound like he ever wants to get married. Also, men have a biological clock too (https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/birth-babies-and-beyond/201707/do-men-have-biological-clock). His age is going to make it even harder to conceive, so if it’s not even on his radar right now I’d be worried. 

I’d encourage him to buy that house for himself and move into it alone.  

Post # 35
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

clawly6317 :  wow. I feel like you could be telling my story as we are alike in many ways. First of all, I had hpv and had the cryosurgery to remove the cells. I was also worried about my chances of conceiving, but at age 37 I am due with my first baby in January. So it will happen. 🙂

Back to your boyfriend, 1.5 years isn’t too long to be together, and the little “tests” he puts you through (living together first, etc) before getting engaged are annoying, but as long as you made it clear that marriage is what you want, you’ve been true to your feelings. What is not cool is that he’s willing to buy a house but starting to make excuses about marriage. At age 47 there’s no excuse- it’s his commitment issues to you holding him back. I’m sorry, bee, but if marriage and a family is what you dream of, I’d ask him flat out if he wants to marry you, if so, he needs to start taking steps to show you, otherwise cut your losses and move on. This is a controversial topic, but I’d also read Pat Allen’s “getting to I do” and “the rules for online dating” by Ellen Fein. Both are really good at helping you navigate through this type of situation. Good luck and I hope you get everything you wish for! X

Post # 36
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

clawly6317 :  and do not let him convince you to sell your home! That’s your asset, it belongs to you and you have it to fall back on. 

Post # 37
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

It sounds like you should have kept to your first mind about not moving in with this guy.  He is wasting your time. 

Post # 38
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

The fact that you feel you need to “light a fire under his butt” in order to get him to propose is very telling. You should’ve stuck with your gut and not allowed him to move in without a ring (not that I believe it would’ve changed the circumstances). You shouldn’t have to force the issue of engagement with a man who really and truly wants to marry you. It doesn’t seem like he wants to. I would personally tell him he needs to go. Life is too short. Don’t waste it with someone who doesnt want the same things you do. You don’t want to look back at this moment 10 years from now and see that you’ve compromised on everything YOU wanted just to stay/be with him. He’s not the only fish out there in sea, throw this one back in and find one who will give you everything you want and more! Good luck bee!

Post # 39
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

He’s almost 50. It’s basically now or never for him to become a father. The fact that he’s not rushing to it is a pretty good indication he doesn’t want that. He’s just seeing how long he can keep you around until you wisen up. 

Post # 40
Member
5425 posts
Bee Keeper

There is a reason why this 46 year-old man is still single.

But you don’t have to be–find someone who wants what you want and is ready to make a commitment–someone who is ready, willing and able to plan a future with you. This guy…he’s not.

Post # 41
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee

Just adding my voice to the crowd: Bee, you won’t end up marrying this man. It’s really not normal for someone that age to have never been married; when it happens, usually there are very specific reasons why and not just because they haven’t met “the one” yet. In his case, it’s because he pretty clearly doesn’t want marriage, probably with anyone. And I’m sorry, dear Bee, but he doesn’t want it with you either. My advice is to start coming to terms with that now so that you can get out of the relationship sooner, emotionally heal from the breakup, and find someone new. The sooner you leave, the sooner you can find a man who wants marriage and children. 

Post # 42
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

This sounds a lot like my last relationship. An older boyfriend, who couldn’t commit, loved himself first always, was set in his ways, was too cowardly to end it because I wanted commitment but he didnt.

It ended. THANK GOD.

He said lots of things to make it sound like it would happen, but actions speak a hell of a lot louder, Bee. 

He also started criticising my personality, nit picking and picking arguments about little things – like saying I was a negative person and brought him down, that I didn’t ask him about things he did enough (it was all we ever bloody talked about), that I didn’t have the same drive as him etc – it was all BS but just ways for him to validate to himself that he didn’t actually love me enough / couldn’t commit to me..

Also – this guy is nearly 50 years old – if he’d wanted to marry and have kids by now, I think he would have. Or at least if he really did – he would be decisive and enthusiastic about it and DO IT.. 

It shouldn’t  be such hard work Bee. And honestly, his age and the way he’s acting would be the biggest red flag to me.. Old dog new tricks n all that..

I know you’re panicing right now because of wanting marriage and kids, and your health issues…you are under pressure. But this man child is not the one and will not give you what you want and he is WASTING TOUR TIME – like my ex wasted two years of my time after he realised he didn’t want the same as me.. 

Please leave this guy. He is a man child and time waster. 

Why did his last engagement break up? What is his pattern?  Usually that is pretty telling…

 

ETA – you said you’re with a guy who suffers from “fear of commitment”. 

Youre not.

You’re with a guy who DOESNT WANT TO COMMIT – whether that’s generally, or just with you. Given his age, I’d say it’s geberally – he likes the Batchelor Life thank you very much. Like my ex – the perennial batchelor – he doesn’t own a house at nearly 50..? He can’t even commit himself to a house..

You won’t change, or medicate, or pressure, or coax or coach this guy out of his “fear” – because it doesn’t exist. 

You’ll also beat yourself up in the meantime trying to change his mind. Life is short for that shit. Move on and find someone on the same page as you.

even taking kids out of the mix – this guy is a batchelor at heart. Don’t try and change him, you’ll only cause yourself heartache in the long run..

Post # 43
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Hi Bee – I really hope you are reading and listening to these comments. This reminds me so much of my situation with my ex. He was 16 years older than me, 46 at the time. I moved in with him to the apartment he rented. He had never been married, just engaged once. He gave me very mixed messages when I asked him about marriage and a timeline. On my 29th birthday he promised me he would propose for my 30th, which I really took to heart. When it was close to my 30th, I found out he wasn’t planning anything. When I asked him about it, he claimed he didn’t even know where to get a ring (?!). I dumped him and I’m so glad I did. He was an immature man child as well as a liar so he did me a favor. I met my now husband soon after breaking up with him.

Trust me, if a 46-year-old man wanted to be a husband and father, he would have made it happen already. 

Post # 44
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

Fire comes from within. This man is in no hurry and there’s nothing YOU can do to “light” a fire. 

 

99 times out of 100, there’s a good reason why a man 40+ has never been engaged or married. Odds are your guy is not the 1 in 100. Sorry, bee.

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