- 4 months ago
- Wedding: July 2017
I apologise now for the lengthy post. and congratulations if you manage to keep up with the ramblings!
Ever since I started dating FI (8.5 years ago) he has never hidden the fact that he likes to smoke weed from me. its not all the time, and not multiple times a week, but when the mood struck. As with any start to a relationship, you are that besotted you dont think about it, and when you do, you convince yourself that it would be something they will grow out of. and the longer it continues, the bigger of a problem it becomes and the more fierce the arguements that follow!
a bit of backstory to FI – when he was younger, he did it every day. he described that time of his life as he did it to “feel normal” as that was what it became for him. and because of that he recognised he had a problem and went cold turkey for a couple of years. then started back up but watched his use until he reached the point where it was something he did now and again. he smoked cigarettes when i first started dating him, but he hated that and wanted to stop, and has since managed it with the aid of his e-cig. his mum and brother have both smoked weed, so their household was very liberal around the subject.
my upbringing was somewhat different, all drugs are bad, no ifs buts or maybes. if its illegal, theres a reason for it etc etc etc.
so as time went on in our relationship, the issue of him smoking weed became a bigger and bigger problem. not only was I seeing it from a lagal point of view (illegal in the UK) i was also seeing him being pretty hypocritical as he hated tobacco and wanted to stop that, but would mix the very same tobacco into his joints? FI saw his weed smoking as a totally different entity to tobacco smoking, still does today. oh I havnt mentoned that FI is asthmatic, if that makes any difference.
we argued many many times about it, untold tears every time. in an ideal world i wanted him to stop. but he told me in no uncertain terms that stopping would be his choice, not because i wanted him to. which i respected, and we tried compromise after compromise. from saying x amount of times per month, to not doing it near me, only coming home sober. none of the compromises worked well for either of us, i felt sick thinking about him doing it. he felt pressured and trapped. to the point where he hid it from me for a few months in the hope i wouldnt find out.
now ive had a long hard think about the life we are about to start together (getting married in 3 weeks) and he has already agreed that the smoking will severely reduce (once every 6 months at most for example) once we start TTC and raising children he himself said that he will have bigger priorities than weed at that point. but in the interim, he wanted a solution to our disagreement until that point. and the only way I dont seem to be as worked up by it is if its used in baking and not being burnt into his lungs. Ive spoken to him about this change, and he seems open to the idea. with any luck it works for the both of us.
am I overthinking this situation? does the solution seem to you to be a workable one long term? I am an anti drug person. i drink maybe once or twice a year and that would only be a couple of ciders. never smoked anything, could take or leave caffiene. i dont want to get 6 months down the line and find that this solution is no better than the many other compromises we have both tried.