Help me see what I'm doing is right. finding common ground with FI

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
1397 posts
Bumble bee

 La Profesora :  Does your husband ever drink? Or has he just brought his consumption down to a level that isn’t “wasted” every weekend?

I think the issue with OP’s request is two-fold. First she ideally wants him to quit entirely. She’s not just asking for him to use more moderation, but to completely quit. This is similar to if you asked your husband to never drink a drop of alcohol again. This is unfair because she’s not just asking for him to moderate his behavior, but she’s telling him to completely drop something that she was ok with at the start. – As an example, I’m ok with my fiance asking me to spend less time on my trashy shows because he wants to spend time with me (or me asking him to spend a little less time on video games) but it would be very uncool if he told me to never watch trashy shows I like. The second issue, at least for me, with what OP is asking is that she’s ‘compromising’ with saying edibles are ok. So she’s ok with him getting high (and from what I hear, edibles are much more intense), but she wants to control how he gets high. I definitely understand the medical point of view when it comes to inhaling things as an asthmatic. This is the reason I don’t do any sort of drugs. But this is a medical decision that OP’s fiance must make for himself. OP is neither his doctor nor his mother and should not be dictating medical decisions. It’s perfectly fair to state her case and let him know how she feels, request he doesn’t smoke around her or in their shared home, or stipulate that there is to be no smoking around children. But it’s just not fair to require him to make decisions about his health or consumption that OP decides on.

Post # 17
575 posts
Busy bee

You are fighting about this now – you will be fighting much more about this in the future. Having kids only intensifies any problems tat already exist. Unless you are very realistic about the fact that your guy will not change and you will have to live with him as he is right now for the end of his life, do not marry him.

Post # 18
9223 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i don’t see this as a big deal.  i don’t smoke or do drugs of any kind.  but Darling Husband smokes pot.  he cut back when we started TTC, then stopped completely when we had to undergo ferility treatment (my issue not related to the smoking).

we are expecting #2 and he still smokes occassionally, when the mood strikes.  i don’t care as long as he is outside.  sometimes he smokes with my brother and mom too.

Post # 19
741 posts
Busy bee

Well I do think you’re making this into a bigger deal that necessary, making the red line that all drugs are bad regardless of circumstance, without much understanding, is immature but i’m not going to try and change your mind.  Neither will you be able to change your SO’s.  You really have two choices here, accept it and move on or break up.  There isn’t a compromise in this situation. 

Post # 20
2068 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

My husband is asthmatic and is an occasional tabaco smoker (4 times that I know about in 7 years). The first time he smiled a cigarette and I saw him I was really pissed because I’ve been with him when he was on the edge of an asthma attack. It was horrible and scary as we didn’t have his inhalers. Fortunately we managed to get him home whilst he could breathe and he took some inhalers. I was pissed because if he loved me he shouldn’t want to put me through that again.

My husband told me after that I couldn’t tell him what to do. He was right to do so. I’m not his mother or his doctor. I’m his partner which means I’m there for him when views don’t necessarily align. We had a conversation and I told him how I hate the smell of taste of tabaco and I don’t particularly find it attractive. I also told him I was worried about his asthma. He agreed that those were reasonable points but I still couldn’t stop him doing something.

The compromise we reached is that he never smokes within the house and he can’t get upset if I choose not to kiss him after he’s smoked. I’ve also asked him to carry his inhalers anytime he thinks he might smoke and if he isn’t carrying them then to pass on smoking. I don’t know how many times he’s smoked away from me and I don’t really care.

We all have a vice or most likely vices. We have things that are bad for our body, bad for us physically that is good for us mentally. Reached for a bar chocolate after a crap day? Had a glass of wine when you’re out celebrating? We all have something that can become addictive all to easily that we rely on to improve our mental wellbeing. Yes chocolate and wine are legal and weed isn’t but honestly I’ve never known anyone in the UK (outside of police interceptors) to actually be cautioned for possession of weed, let alone arrested. Now if he did get cautioned/arrested as a result of the weed then I think that’s a separate conversation, similar to if he got points on licence for speeding. I think that’s a conversation about being careful because it’s not just his future he’s potentially limiting but yours and any future kids too.

So I think you need to realise that the weed is a vice for him, similar to whatever is your vice. If you wouldn’t like your vice restricted, don’t put restrictions on his. There is a point when vices can become detrimental and it is absolutely important to bring those vices up at that time. I also think it’s fine to have some alone time if you don’t necessarily agree with your partner’s choices, let him go somewhere and smoke pit and you have a moment alone to yourself. 

Post # 21
2515 posts
Sugar bee

To me, smoking weed and drinking are similar levels of risk. I wouldn’t want to date someone or marry someone who did either regularly or to an extreme, but occasional use woudn’t be a big deal to me, whereas other types of drug use would be dealbreakers. This is coming from someone who smoked weed regularly in high school and tried a few other drugs, so I suppose I have a more permissive attitude about drug use even though throughout my twenties I’ve only done drugs a handful of times and don’t plan on doing them in the future. That said, I understand your concern about his lungs. I’d recommend a vaporizer over edibles – as others have said, edibles are very strong and generally produce a more sleepy lazy effect. I’d also be more concerned about his e-cig use than occasional pot smoking – those things contain nasty chemicals. 

Post # 22
2024 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I grew up in a conservative household, and I’m completely against all drugs. I think they’re dangerous, and can lead to people doing things they shouldn’t that they wouldn’t normally do. But that’s my own, personal opinion, that I don’t force on anyone else. I also would never smoke something illegal that could ruin my life with jailtime (it’s illegal in my state).

My Fiance used to dip. I was honest with how I felt about it. My grandfather smoked for years and died in pain, after months of suffering (with a steady decline in health for years leading up to that) from several different kinds of cancers related to his smoking. Watching that greatly impacted me. I also work in the medical field, and have seen far too many patients come in with gum/tongue/mouth cancers and the like, due to dip/chew/smoking. I told Fiance in the beginning that I was not okay with that, and I couldn’t be with someone who was compromising their health in such a way. It was his decision on whether to quit or not, but it was my decision that I wouldn’t stay if he didn’t quit. This was very early on in our relationship.

I mean, yes, you have a right to change your mind, and it’s certainly okay to leave now because he won’t quit. And I freely admit that it would have been hard for me to leave Fiance, even early on, because I was already developing major feelings for him.

I agree with craigslistgirl. If this is a big issue for you, you should leave now, before marriage. Does his job do random drug testing? Could this result in him being fired? What about if you had children? Are you okay with the possibility of them getting high through him? What if someone found out, reported him, or he got arrested, what could happen with custody of your children? You have to sit down and honestly decide what you’re willing to live with.

Post # 23
3437 posts
Sugar bee

People do change, but not because you’ve been fighting over it for 8 years. For example, my husband and I used to go to a bar on Sundays and drink tons of beer watching football. Now that I’m pregnant, we don’t. But we didn’t argue about how much beer he drank or how often we went to the bar for 8 years of our relationship. While people may change (evolve/grow/mature), you can’t rely on that happening. Because what if it doesn’t? Be content with who the person is before you marry them or you are screwed.

Post # 24
1457 posts
Bumble bee

What is your main issue with him smoking weed? Is it that he’s asthmatic or is it that you feel “all drugs are bad”?

I have a liberal view on drugs, unless it’s hard drugs or becoming a habit I have no issue with it now and again, although I never use myself (have dabbled in the past and kind of grew out of it). However, if my partner was stoned on the regular and it was interfering with our lives there would be an issue, same as if they were regularly drunk.

Imo, unless his use has increased or it’s affecting your relationship, since you knew this about him and accepted it when you first got together you have no right to start demanding he stops. You either accept this part of him or leave, it’s not for him to change who he is because you now have an issue with it. 

Post # 25
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

So, I live in Canada, where in general ideas about pot smoking are a lot more liberal and it’s a lot less criminalized. However, my question to you is what is it exactly that bothers you about him smoking. Both my ex and my current partner have smoked pot to varying degrees. With my ex it was a HUGE issue in our relationship, currently with my partner it’s not a problem at all. When my ex smoked pot it was in the living room, which meant the whole apartment smelt of pot and there were always ashes, papers, other paraphenalia everywhere which drove me insane. By contrast, my current partner only smokes in his bedroom and puts everything neatly away in a drawer when he’s not smoking. My ex smoked during the day, especially on weekends sometimes he would smoke as early as 10 am. This made him lazy, and unwilling to do anything. Which made me resent him, and find him unattractive. My current partner only smokes before bed, so it doesn’t really change much as he’s about to go to sleep anyways. With my ex I felt a lot of pressure to smoke, and always felt like I was being the uncool girlfriend for not smoking. With my current partner he never has pressured me, and I have smoked on and off with him. Personally smoking makes me pretty sleepy, like having a beer and fries when you’re already exhausted, and I find the next day I’m a bit more anxious. As I’m already an anxious person I’ve decided it’s not for me. Occaisonally I’ll do edibles as they are more fun. Personally, I don’t find smoking pot that much different than drinking. All’s good in moderation and as long as it doesn’t negatively effect your life. I personally wouldn’t date anyone who was anti-alcohol. I wouldn’t have a problem with them not drinking, but I’d be super pissed if they guilted me about it everytime I wanted a beer. It just wouldn’t make sense to stay together and we would each go our separate ways. Do you know why you get so upset about it? If it’s a moral thing, like you 100% believe pot smoking is wrong just like I 100% believe killing children is wrong, I don’t think you’re going to get over it. My ex would constantly promise to stop smoking, as it was an addiction for him and it did interfere with his life a lot. But guess what, he never really followed through and my dissapointment about would cause further issues in oure relationship. My current partner goes through phases, for a month he might smoke every night before bed, then he might go 2 months without smoking. The difference is that he’s in control of his smoking, the pot isn’t in control of him, and that makes a huge difference on my feelings towards it. Anyways sorry for the ramble, hopefully some of it’s helpful, I’m at work and very bored. 

Post # 26
7748 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

dsaasd :  I totally agree with everything you wrote. Your experience with your ex sounds exactly like mine. He would start smoking the moment he woke up and would not stop until he went to bed. He was so dependent on it that he refused to travel anywhere with me in case he couldn’t smoke freely at our destination. 

My apartment (where he crashed most of the time, without paying any rent) was constantly littered with disgusting marijuana apparatus. He would use my bobby pins for my hair to clean out his little pot cigarette thing and I’d find them all over the house, reeking and oily with weed residue. So disgusting. And it made him so lazy – he was unemployed through most of our relationship and just so unmotivated. I truly believe he was addicted to pot – something he admitted himself. Anytime I tried to talk to him about scaling back his usage he would get irate, even though he knew he had a problem. The whole experience has made me SO wary of marijuana. I know in moderation it’s fine but I’ve seen how chronic use can truly wreck a person and it’s almost like a trigger issue for me.

That said, if his smoking was limited to moderate use in the evenings – similar to my drinking – it probably wouldn’t have been a big deal at all. I guess I don’t really have a right to get pissed at someone for smoking weed in moderation at night since I have a glass of wine or two most nights after work myself. 

Post # 27
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

I think other PPs are correct, and you’ll have to decide exactly how you feel and why you feel the way you do about weed. Him being OK with hiding it from you is another issue as well. What if he hides it from you in the future too? 

I also think it’s unrealistic to expect him to change. He likely won’t unless he has a rock-bottom experience and NEEDS to change. I know you state that he says he will change once you are TTC, but in my experience with my friends who are users, this wasn’t enough for them to stop either.

For the record, I’m likely in the minority here. I’ve never used, and have no desire to use. I haven’t dated anyone who used either. I have mixed feelings about it. It’s definitely not a clear-cut or simple issue at all.

OFF TOPIC : This might be off topic, so I apologize. For the bees who are regular users or have partners that are, how does this affect your/their employment?  I’ve always been curious about how people handle their employment and their weed usage.




Post # 28
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2018 - Blue Bay Grand Esmeralda

I am a pot smoker, smoke every single day.  Fiance, never used to smoke at all before he met me, but he does now (not as much as I do).  He never liked how much I smoked, and has a tendency to be a bit controlling.  We got into tons of fights about it, and I always tried to quit, but would then freakout when i couldnt have my hit, and it caused tons of resentment in our relationship.  I finally had it one day, and told him all the reasons why I will continue to smoke weed daily.  I am a motivated person, I never let anything slide, I get all my shit done.  I own my own business and it is not suffering in the least, I use it to relax at the end of the day, and it helps ease my anxiety and overthinking brain.  I am also a healthy eater, and gym everyday at 5am.   I told him that if he cant accept it, then dont be with me.  Because I am not hurting anyone.  I could be out there drinking heavily and causing all sorts of problems.  Weed just makes me more laid back and not so uptight.

Since then, he has said he would rather keep the peace and have me, and he took my points into consideration and we have been really happy.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles, but for me, personally, weed is a vice that as long as your not smoking 24/7 i see nothing wrong with.

As for employement, I own my own business so doesnt interfere at all, and have smoked at every job ive had in the past, no issues.

ETA- Since he never gets on my case and allows me to feel like an adult and that I am making my own decisions, I am finding that my pot smoking has gone down to 1 hit a day before bed, because I dont feel pressure on me to quit, it actually makes it easier.  When someone tells you not to do something, you want to do it even more, its human nature.


Post # 29
36 posts

bumblebug :  Actually, no my husband doesn’t drink at all now.  If we are at a wedding reception and someone hands him a glass of wine, he might take it, but he doesn’t drink.  “Compromising” isn’t an option for some people, which is why we have alcoholism. I don’t think we would still be married if he had not made the decision to quit.  If the OP is concerned about it, she has the right to say so now.  I know what I went through after we were married, and it was a long road to get to the good place we are now.  She needs to speak up before now rather than later.  I don’t agree with the “you aren’t his mother” argument because she IS his partner, and his choices will affect her and their life together. Again, maybe I am old fashioned, but I don’t agree with the “it’s my body” argument after marriage.  

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