Help me try to understand modern marriage

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
2132 posts
Buzzing bee

Okay I had another thought – do either of you want children? How do you feel about having children while unmarried? Having children with a hyphenated surname, or with a different surname to one of their parents? Not having wedding photos to show your children, not having a wedding dress in the closet for a potential future daughter to stare at and try on? 

 

Post # 63
Member
1307 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

LIKE-A-BOSS :  I came back on my lunch break to really read this. Holy cow! consider publishing it on a blog- seriously. it hits the nail on the head regardless of any situation 🙂 

Post # 64
Member
1483 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

LIKE-A-BOSS :  I went back and read through the whole thing too after being inspired by tiffanybruiser :  , lol. 

it was purely a choice to commit my heart for his sense of stability in our relationship, and because I wanted him to be as happy as possible

This I feel is such a touching and wonderful example of an act of pure love.  So many times when I see people say they love their SO sooo much, mostly in but sometimes out of the context of the Waiting threads, it really sounds more like, “Well I like her OK and I’m used to being with him and how do I know if I’m going to find anyone better than her/him?” 

Not so what you wrote.  You have so much self-awareness and on-point introspection.  You thought it through and knew exactly what it was you were giving your husband, and he in turn knew exactly what it was that you were giving him and it didn’t sound like he ever tried to tell you how you should feel. 

Congratulations to you both. 

Post # 65
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

danakxox :   camenae :  Thank you so much :’)  I was worried about how my story would go over because it’s not all hearts and rainbows, so it means a lot that you both read it with open minds/hearts and looked to understand me, even if it might not be totally relateable for either of you. xo

Post # 66
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

My husband and I believe that we are in a covenant relationship with each other as a married couple. He felt very strongly about the idea of marriage as covenant since before we started dating, and our lives prior to being married were totally different than they are in marriage.

To us, marriage is completely different than a long-term, committed relationship. Before we got married, we lived in two different houses, we lived fairly separate lives in the sense that other than seeing each other a few nights a week, we lived our own lives. When I was at his house, I never cleaned, did his laundry, bought him groceries, etc. And vice versa. We did not share finances whatsoever. We looked at it as a serious dating relationship.

Marriage was a different story to us, a different way of living entirely. We moved in together, got a joint bank account, he added me to his Verizon plan, we share absolutely everything and are now planning to have children together. Neither one of us “owns” the other, but we belong to each other, and everything I have is his, and vice versa. He considers himself a feminist, by the way… as do I.

Thought I would throw my two cents in, since we have done things a little differently than most. Different is not better or worse… but it’s great to be on the same page as your partner or spouse.

Post # 67
Member
15 posts
Newbee

You say you are living somewhere with rules similar to the UK. Just recently, a man sadly died very suddenly. This man had a child with his girlfriend and she had just discovered she was pregnant again. Because they weren’t married he wasn’t allowed to be named as the father in the birth certificate. They are fighting for this law to be changed. This story was devastating to read about, never mind what it feels to be his wife and his child who has no father on her birth certificate like her sibling. Just something else to consider. 

Post # 68
Member
4546 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

igotsomequestions :  you don’t love her, not 100% if you’re entertaining the idea of letting her go when she comes back. Break up now, while she is with her family who can support her and don’t lead her on anymore. She deserves better.

Post # 69
Member
687 posts
Busy bee

I vote on breaking up with her. You don’t want marriage; she does. You aren’t a feminist; she’s a woman. It doesn’t sound like it will work.

Post # 70
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I didn’t/don’t care about marriage. I don’t see it as any different from being in a long term committed relationship, and like you I don’t like the origins.

However, it was important for my husband, and now I’m married – lol.

 

Post # 71
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

 

igotsomequestions :  So I’m getting married because I have met my “teammate in life”. There are all kinds of legal reasons to get married, as well as emotional reasons. I love my fiance. And that is a big part of why I want to marry him. But our relationship is one of working together towards our what we mutually want.

You can do this without getting married, but to me the legal part is a way of showing the level of commitment to those mutual goals together.

Post # 72
Member
2595 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

igotsomequestions :  Your original post was riddled with contradictions but I gave you the benefit of the doubt as this is new to you, you appeared to be asking a genuine question, and I figured that perhaps you weren’t a great writer.

However, reading your update confirms my worst suspicions. If it’s true that you’re not a feminist then it means that you’re not decent, smart, caring, or honourable. If this offends you then I recommend you immediately research what feminism is, because you’re clearly ignorant. Ignorance is only okay up to a certain point. You have reached that point.

If after you understand feminism and you’re still a sexist git, I highly recommend ending things with your girlfriend ASAP. Give her the freedom to find someone who is actually her equal. Then, as you find women so inferior, I suggest you either take a vow of celibacy (for the good of mankind) or you get yourself an equally sexist boyfriend and NEVER adopt children. 

Post # 73
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee

LIKE-A-BOSS :  You covered this topic LIKE A BOSS.  What a great, insightful read, Bee!

Post # 74
Member
15 posts
Newbee

Sorry OP, I didn’t read the other responses (holy crap, five pages already!), but as someone who sees this whole marriage thing quite less romantic than most do, I’m just going to tell you what marriage is for me. 

I love my bf. More than anything else in this world. (Just saying this because I will sound very very calculating) We’re 37 and 28, been a couple for six years and living together for 5 now – marrying by the end of next year (proposal has yet to come). I don’t want to marry to form a union. We are – I know this without marriage, too. I want to marry because it gives me the security to have kids (there’s no way I would sabotage my own career by staying at home for years with babies while allowing him to progress with his – we would have to find a different solution then). 

Moreover, and this is the lawyer speaking, I am allowed to make all the decisions in case he gets sick or injured and isn’t able to speak for himself anymore. I’m his legal heir (imagine buying a house, then having his siblings and parents get half of it). I’m allowed to be informed by doctors. I’m called by the police, the firefighters or anyone else in case something happens and if he leaves me, he has to support me in case we have small children until I can go back to work. I don’t know how this is in your country, but if we’re married, we have to pay less taxes – around 1,5 k less (!!) each month (!), too. Moreover we get back one year worth of taxes, means a marriage pays itself.

Everything I said applies vice versa and nearly everything could be codified by several contracts, but it could all be done by marrying, too – and you don’t forget to codify anything. 

You said 

But it’s breaking her heart, I can tell. I tried looking into a civil union as a sort of half way as they don’t have the millenia of history as an almost ownership thing, but those are only available to same-sex couples.

A civil union is the exact same thing as  a marriage. There’s no difference, only how it’s called. 

Maybe you could try to see it as some sort of contract instead of ‘a love celebratory’. You don’t need the dress-and-flowers-party, you only need to sign a legal document that says you’re willing to be there for each other. 

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