Help me understand infertility

posted 3 months ago in Pregnancy
Post # 46
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

This is about infertility but it also is about relationships with family members. Hopefully my experience can help you navigate both. I had two miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy last year. I am looking at IVF. It is so hard and demoralizing every day. I try to focus on therapy (just started), getting good medical advice and navigating insurance coverage which requires a lot of time and energy. I am looking into meditation and other coping skills. I think your SIL was way out of line and should have been focused on coping and not trying to bring you down. Everyone has hard things in life and it’s just not an excuse to behave badly. In terms of family relationships, last year I had a huge argument with a family member. He was way out of line and we didn’t speak for a while. He never apologized and he never will. He doesn’t get it and it’s not worth my time or emotional energy to address it with him. We now speak but I don’t expect him to acknowledge his issues and I have let it go for my own sake (I have enough to deal with in life without that on top of it). It’s important for me to have a relationship with him for the sake of the rest of my family, so I have to let it go because he won’t change and accept our relationship for what it is. You have to decide if it’s worth your time and energy to address this with your SIL and if she is likely to be open to it. If yes, then definitely address it and hopefully she will apologize and acknowledge your perspective and hurt feelings. Congrats on your pregnancy and I hope everything else is going well!

Post # 47
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

I see you pulled that definition from Wikipedia, and I will agree that the quotes you chose fit Wikipedia’s definition. I don’t like to use the word “abuse” lightly though and I think a definition that encompasses any rude or insulting remark a person makes dilutes the term. But we’re getting into semantics now, so agree to disagree.

Post # 48
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

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hopfenn :  I really can relate to this. my one good friend didn’t really sympathize but I think it’s because she didn’t understand what I was going through. She would constantly send me sono pics and videos which I had zero interest in and I would reply but deep down upset at her. I would start to think such crazy things. She’s completely not financially ready for a child, knew the man for 3 wks and currently on government assistances for everything. I then would speak so negatively about her to others not something I do but it was because while financially ready my fiancée and I are great and more than ready here she is having a baby so easily while I struggle. Again, I wasn’t rude or at least I tried not to be. No one understands until you’ve been through it. 

Post # 49
Member
1809 posts
Buzzing bee

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Twizbe :  All of this.

 

OP: Infertility is incredible emotional and it makes people very bitter and angry. Any time we want something more than we can bare, and it’s not happening, people are going to get pissy. Especially if it’s something seemingly everyone else has with ease. When I was a waiting bee in my last marriage, I was soo bitter with anyone who got engaged or married. It even affected my own happiness for my mother when she remarried. I’m not proud of my hostility towards the situation, or others during that time. I have learned and grown from it, and she will too. Congratulations to you both. Enjoy sharing this time together, talk about babies, do all the things! And try to forgive her for her past aggressions.

 

ETA: I’m NOT equating infertility to waiting for a man to propose, merely just using this as an example of something I wanted so badly and how it made me feel that it wasn’t happening. 

Post # 50
Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee

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wishmeluck7 :  I hear you, and I feel like thoughts and feelings like that are completely normal when you’re going through such a dark time. You just want to do anything you can do make yourself feel a bit better because you feel SO low.

Post # 51
Member
9163 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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bubbycakes :  

What an open and honest post. My own infertility is superseded by age now, and was never such agony as yours but how your post resonated….

OP do read bubbycakes post, it will help understand infertility like no other. On the other hand SIL was deliberately cruel and that is really hard to forgive, if it even is forgiveable .

I think l would have to say something, even if only along the lines of ” you may have noticed l have been a bit distant, it is not deliberate really, it’s just that you were so cruel to me when l was first pregnant. I understand why of course, but it still hurts”  and see what she says. If she is dismissive , then not a lot you can do except remain civil. If she acknowledges her fault then l think l’d try and put it behind me. 

 

 

Post # 52
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

One can be understanding of another’s pain and suffering, but that doesn’t negate our own hurt or negate the desire for some level of atonement. Bottom line, SIL acted terribly and needs to apologize.

If SIL had just glossed over her bad behavior and went on with life with kindness and affection, I kind of get the advice telling OP to just quietly forgive her and move forward. That’s not what’s happening. SIL is once again throwing her own hurt into OP’s face and asking for OP to change her behavior to suit.

No. Just no. OP, if you feel like you can power your way through forgiveness and get back to the same relationship with your SIL as before, more power to you. However, if you at least want a real apology, you are well within bounds to ask for one. If you don’t ever want to be close to her again and just want to maintain a friendly but distant relationship, also your call. 

Because I know some will ask, yes I suffered through idiopathic infertility and was (am still in some ways) destroyed by it. I never spit into anyone else’s happiness because of it.

Post # 53
Member
419 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like you are really trying to understand and empathize with your SIL’s experience. It is kind of you to learn more about what infertility is like, and you’ve gotten some very honest and poignant responses. I would just add that infertility is a broad diagnosis that encompasses many different conditions/experiences. In addition to that, people cope with it differently. Some common responses are fear (not knowing if you will be able to get pregnant), grief, anger, and loss of identity. It is isolating and there is a lot of stigma around it that prevents people from accessing support. As far as your relationship with your SIL, it sounds like you’re still feeling hurt by her behaviour but you want to have a positive (if not super close) relationship with her going forward. Maybe a conversation is in order – letting her know that her comments hurt you. As someone who is going through infertility, I appreciate you reaching out to find out more about it. And your sensitivity in not mentioning to your SIL that you got pregnant on your first try was also great. I still feel happy when I hear that friends and relatives are expecting, but it is tough feeling left behind too.

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