Post # 1
Fiancé and I are private/quiet people with a private/quiet relationship. We’ve dated for 6+ years and have been engaged for over a year. We love each others’ families and all get along quite well. Problem: we met at a certain location and would like our wedding ceremony there, but it can only fit about 35 guests due to size.
If we invite our immediate families (siblings, parents, and grandparents) and our two 2 closest friends (each) only, we have about 25 people. The problem is that his parents (divorced) each want to invite their siblings as well. Now, I adore his aunts and uncles and we all get along very well, but this means an extra 12 people on his side PLUS I feel the need to invite my aunts and uncles as well so no feelings are smashed to pieces …. So add another 7 or so people for a total of 19 more. This brings the total count to 44 people. All 44 of these people will more than likely attend, because they are all that special-type of close family who come-when-called. If they do all attend, we MIGHT be able to cram into the ceremony location. If we do NOT invite the aunts/uncles, I think that both of his parents would be offended; both have requested their siblings attend. My parents don’t care either way.
To add a little extra drama, if we invite the aunts/uncles THEN his dad’s siblings will likely be upset if their adult children and grandchildren aren’t also invited (there was a feud about this in his dad’s family that resulted in some aunts and uncles not speaking for a few years). To add adult children and grandchildren to the list means pushing the count up to around 80, changing the ceremony location, and changing the reception location. Sigh.
Help? I have not booked any of the venues yet. Money is not that big of an issue at this point. My fiancé and I will be paying a majority, with significant help from my parents and the fiancé’s mother. Since the guy and I are both quiet/private, I do not want 80+ people at the ceremony. But I don’t think we can do the 44 person guest list without upsetting loads of people. And, I think his parent’s will personally be hurt if we limit it to our immediate 25 people. Suggestions?
Post # 3
Can you just have an immediate family only wedding/reception and then have a more casual reception at a later date or bbq come summer? Do what makes you happy!
Post # 4
i started the guest list elimination process, wich is not really confortable but is what you really want to do!
1 take out the people you really havent have contact with in more than 1 or 2 years (no family)
2 no kids
3 no wedding providers,bridesmaids friends, or friends of friends
4 select only the ones you really want to celebrate with you, special people.
Post # 5
I say, if it’s a slippery slope, which it sounds like it is, and the place maxes out at 25, then you can’t accommodate the aunts and uncles. I think if you talk to his parents and say, “Look, we can only have X guests because of space requirements,” they’ll deal.
A casual get-together sometime later is a good compromise.
Post # 6
His parents already got to have their wedding, now it’s your turn. People who get upset you’re having the wedding you want, not the one they want you to have are selfish. Have you talked to his parents about wanting an intimate wedding? I had a similar situation and was surprised how receptive our parents were to keeping the wedding small. Some extended family did take it personally and have since crossed us off their Christmas card list, but they’re also the kind of people who thrive on creating drama so I’m not too crushed. It’s your day, do what makes you happy…you won’t be able to please all of them anyway.
Post # 7
@ShellyT: Yes, I’ve talked with both of his parents about having an intimate wedding and both of them said “but my sisters/brothers are invited too, right?” I explained to both of them that this meant an extra 20 or so people, but I do not think that either of them really got it (especially since we are fairly close to most of the aunts/uncles).
Post # 8
Sheesh, in-laws are such fun. If your Fiance wasn’t a part of that conversation with his parents I’d say it’s time for him to try to run interference. If they’re not “getting it”, I think you guys may just have to be really direct about what inviting the extra folks will mean and how important the venue is to you both. Whether it’s your Fiance explaining to them that inviting their guests puts you two in an akward position of choosing between the wedding you two want & making them happy… or directly asking them “is it more important to you that we invite your siblings than we have the wedding at the venue we want?”, I think you guys are going to have to bite the bullet and have a very direct conversation. Limiting your guests to immediate family and close friends is not unreasonable.
Post # 9
Have you explained to your parents in detail everything that you stated here? I can’t imagine that your parents would WANT to cause a feud, and to invite all 80 people would dramatically change the wedding you planned for (as well as the cost!)