(Closed) help me with this conversation

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I actually had a similar conversation asking exactly what you did. We talked about getting married, bought a house together…so I really wanted to know what could possibly be stopping us from getting engaged. Turns out it was money, of course. As long as you stay calm about it and non-accusatory, I think it’s a fair question to ask! Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

Approach the situation very diplomatically, and try very hard not to get overly-emotional and say things you would regret, then just be very direct and straight forward about the situation. Be careful if you’re catching him off guard, but you  have a right to an explination. 

Post # 5
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have you considered enjoying your anniversary and the holidays with your Boyfriend or Best Friend before having this discussion?  Just to not stress yourself out.  

Post # 6
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Always a tricky conversation to bring up!! I would wait and see if a moment naturally presents itself. Just try and keep it fairly unemotional and do not throw any accusations or deadlines at him, and it should go well.

 

Post # 7
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I agree with waiting until after your anniversary, better to enjoy it. Then, bring up that you’ve been feeling good about your relationship, and want to discuss where you both see it headed. More of an “are we still on the same page” than a “hurry up already!” Don’t push too hard and make him defensive, because you’ve said he still has a year until the timeline he had discussed. But it is fair to calmly discuss, and maybe you could suggest looking at rings together so he knows what styles you like/your size when the time does come.

Post # 8
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If he still has a year I’d let it be- he hasn’t broken any promise so IMO there is no need to bring it up and stress yourself out over a conversation. My vote: don’t bring it up and enjoy the anniversary.

Post # 9
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I also vote not to have the talk on the anniversary, but to have the talk. I am a survivor of this very talk and it put us on a better footing (i.e. being currently engaged). It ended up being a why conversation. Why it was important to me and why he was hesistant. Don’t yell and scream or say things that he needs to do. Instead explore what is really at the core. I was surprised most of all not with his responses, but with my own, since you never explore why you want what you do.

Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t know what your back story is – but my vote is to NOT have the talk.

I’m making assumptions from your post, but it sounds like you guys have discussed it, come up with a game plan, and he is on a 5-year track.

I understand how you feel (we were together for almost 4 years before he proposed and I badgered him like a crazy woman).  Now I look back and wonder what I was so stressed about and wish I would have just laid off.

I know I was stressed because I was worried he didn’t want to marry me.  But, I wish someone hit me upside the head and told me NOT to worry and to JUST ENJOY THE RELATIONSHIP.

If you need to talk to him about your relationship (if you are feeling insecure) then do that.  If he needs to know that you are only with him because you want to marry him or else you are out – then he needs to know that too.  But, my vote is ultimately to just relax and enjoy the anniversary.  

Post # 11
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I second @oracle. I am actually approaching my 5 year anniversary with my boyfriend on March 17th 2012 and I have self admitedly been engagement crazy with my boyfriend for the past year and we have had some very heated conversations because he needs a little more time, I want it now and he feels like it should be a total surprise and not something to be talked out or planned out. ((I see his side; but, I also see mine))

I was expecting an engagement to take place after I graduated college (2 yrs ago). So I have kept my mouth shut until this past year and I wish I had. Guys do not like to talk about it for the most part if they are not bringing it up. A casual way to tell him, which was suggested to me when I was in a similar place as you was “I see myself….” and go into it that way. If I could go back I would have changed how I approached it with my Boyfriend or Best Friend which was more out of built up frusteration.

Whatever you decide to do just dont jump down his throat. My first suggestion would be to hold on for a little long, if it is a matter of waiting another year or regretting feeling like you pushed it, then I would go with the first choice. 

Good Luck!

 

 

Post # 13
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

Well I 100% know how you feel, given my previous post you can tell I broke my silence. Some great conversations came from it and some not so great conversations came from it. Looking back based on my expereince as long as you are calm and collected when you approach the subject things should go OK. When I got emotional is when things did not go so well. 

 

I would ask him about what his intentions are and when he feels like he will be ready. I feel like if it is something he is preparing to do within the next year then he should be able to articulate that in a way that comforts you.

 

Keep us posted!

Post # 14
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

I would not start it with, “what’s stopping us…” because then you are assuming something is holding you back, and it starts off negatively.

First, assume a non-threatening position next to him, like he sit on the couch, and you sit diagonal to him on the floor (works so well, trust me).

Second, I would start off by askin, “do you feel like our relationship is at a stand still? I feel that it is time to move forward with our relationship.” 

Somethng like that, and ask his thoughts. This worked somewhat well with my me and my Boyfriend or Best Friend. Except, he asked me that! We just talked about our fears, and what we want out of life and marriage, and it really set things going forward.

Good luck! Oh, and I even got advice from another married man, that that is how they got to the engagement part–they simply discussed “moving forward, prgressing”…

Post # 15
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

@SusieInTheSunshine: Oh and I agree, definitely stay very calm, levelheaded, and reasonable. Do not get emotional at all or the men shut down.

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