Post # 1
Since it’s almost our fourth anniversary (on December 15), I’m considering having an engagement conversation with bf. I haven’t really talked about it with him since all the crazyness we went through in June. Should I just be blunt with him and be like “in your opinion what’s stopping us from getting engaged?” I really don’t know how to start this conversation at all. Does anyone have any advice?
On our anniversary we’re coming up to one year until his timeline of our fifth anniversary so imo he’s going to have to start thinking about this somewhat soon-ish.
Post # 3
I actually had a similar conversation asking exactly what you did. We talked about getting married, bought a house together…so I really wanted to know what could possibly be stopping us from getting engaged. Turns out it was money, of course. As long as you stay calm about it and non-accusatory, I think it’s a fair question to ask! Good luck!
Post # 4
Approach the situation very diplomatically, and try very hard not to get overly-emotional and say things you would regret, then just be very direct and straight forward about the situation. Be careful if you’re catching him off guard, but you have a right to an explination.
Post # 5
Have you considered enjoying your anniversary and the holidays with your Boyfriend or Best Friend before having this discussion? Just to not stress yourself out.
Post # 6
Always a tricky conversation to bring up!! I would wait and see if a moment naturally presents itself. Just try and keep it fairly unemotional and do not throw any accusations or deadlines at him, and it should go well.
Post # 7
I agree with waiting until after your anniversary, better to enjoy it. Then, bring up that you’ve been feeling good about your relationship, and want to discuss where you both see it headed. More of an “are we still on the same page” than a “hurry up already!” Don’t push too hard and make him defensive, because you’ve said he still has a year until the timeline he had discussed. But it is fair to calmly discuss, and maybe you could suggest looking at rings together so he knows what styles you like/your size when the time does come.
Post # 8
If he still has a year I’d let it be- he hasn’t broken any promise so IMO there is no need to bring it up and stress yourself out over a conversation. My vote: don’t bring it up and enjoy the anniversary.
Post # 9
I also vote not to have the talk on the anniversary, but to have the talk. I am a survivor of this very talk and it put us on a better footing (i.e. being currently engaged). It ended up being a why conversation. Why it was important to me and why he was hesistant. Don’t yell and scream or say things that he needs to do. Instead explore what is really at the core. I was surprised most of all not with his responses, but with my own, since you never explore why you want what you do.
Post # 10
I don’t know what your back story is – but my vote is to NOT have the talk.
I’m making assumptions from your post, but it sounds like you guys have discussed it, come up with a game plan, and he is on a 5-year track.
I understand how you feel (we were together for almost 4 years before he proposed and I badgered him like a crazy woman). Now I look back and wonder what I was so stressed about and wish I would have just laid off.
I know I was stressed because I was worried he didn’t want to marry me. But, I wish someone hit me upside the head and told me NOT to worry and to JUST ENJOY THE RELATIONSHIP.
If you need to talk to him about your relationship (if you are feeling insecure) then do that. If he needs to know that you are only with him because you want to marry him or else you are out – then he needs to know that too. But, my vote is ultimately to just relax and enjoy the anniversary.
Post # 11
I second @oracle. I am actually approaching my 5 year anniversary with my boyfriend on March 17th 2012 and I have self admitedly been engagement crazy with my boyfriend for the past year and we have had some very heated conversations because he needs a little more time, I want it now and he feels like it should be a total surprise and not something to be talked out or planned out. ((I see his side; but, I also see mine))
I was expecting an engagement to take place after I graduated college (2 yrs ago). So I have kept my mouth shut until this past year and I wish I had. Guys do not like to talk about it for the most part if they are not bringing it up. A casual way to tell him, which was suggested to me when I was in a similar place as you was “I see myself….” and go into it that way. If I could go back I would have changed how I approached it with my Boyfriend or Best Friend which was more out of built up frusteration.
Whatever you decide to do just dont jump down his throat. My first suggestion would be to hold on for a little long, if it is a matter of waiting another year or regretting feeling like you pushed it, then I would go with the first choice.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t have this conversation on our anniversary, I probably worded it badly and it sounded that way. I kind of just want to talk to him about this somewhat soon to see if he’s still thinking about it since it hasn’t been brought up in so long. I’ve been thinking about having this conversation for about a month but I keep putting it off. I definitely can’t wait another year without bringing it up if it’s bothering me to not know what he’s thinking.
Post # 13
Well I 100% know how you feel, given my previous post you can tell I broke my silence. Some great conversations came from it and some not so great conversations came from it. Looking back based on my expereince as long as you are calm and collected when you approach the subject things should go OK. When I got emotional is when things did not go so well.
I would ask him about what his intentions are and when he feels like he will be ready. I feel like if it is something he is preparing to do within the next year then he should be able to articulate that in a way that comforts you.
Keep us posted!
Post # 14
I would not start it with, “what’s stopping us…” because then you are assuming something is holding you back, and it starts off negatively.
First, assume a non-threatening position next to him, like he sit on the couch, and you sit diagonal to him on the floor (works so well, trust me).
Second, I would start off by askin, “do you feel like our relationship is at a stand still? I feel that it is time to move forward with our relationship.”
Somethng like that, and ask his thoughts. This worked somewhat well with my me and my Boyfriend or Best Friend. Except, he asked me that! We just talked about our fears, and what we want out of life and marriage, and it really set things going forward.
Good luck! Oh, and I even got advice from another married man, that that is how they got to the engagement part–they simply discussed “moving forward, prgressing”…
Post # 15
@SusieInTheSunshine: Oh and I agree, definitely stay very calm, levelheaded, and reasonable. Do not get emotional at all or the men shut down.
Post # 16
Thanks for the opinions/advice everyone!
I just need to work on keeping myself calm. I’ve done it before and I can do it again.