(Closed) Help me write email to guest who’s picking a trip over our wedding

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 4
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

What a tough situation. I’m sorry for your Fiance that he’s having to deal with this. I don’t have any good advice on exact wording, except that your FI should be honest about how much this person’s presence means to him while also making a point of being understanding about the reason why this person thinks this weekend is the best time for his trip. I think it might go over better if your Fiance calls this guy rather than emails him. Tone is often lost in email, and I think that no matter how delicately we try to say that someone has hurt our feelings over email, it is often misunderstood by the recipient and comes off as accusatory or confrontational. Best of luck!

Post # 5
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

That’s tough 🙁

I would suggest a phone call rather than an email; unless the guy has already specifically told your Fiance that he is going to Greece, just (have FI) call him up and let him know how much it would mean if he could come to the the wedding, and how grateful Fiance is for the influence he had in his life after his father passed.

Post # 6
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Second the suggestion of phone rather than e-mail.  It’s very easy for tone to be lost, and this is a rather touchy subject.

Post # 7
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Umm I understand why you both are hurt but it does happen that guests choose other things over your wedding. I’ve got an entire family that I consider like my own who aren’t coming because of a prior committment.  I also have another couple who would rather go back to their college hometown to party for his 30th bday.  That one I don’t really get because all of our friends will be at our wedding partying so I’m not sure who they plan to party with.  But to each their own.

I wouldn’t write an email because like owlbride said words get lost in text.  I would have the Fiance call and say hey man we are getting excited about our wedding plans and I can’t wait to spend the day celebrating with you and your wife.  Give him the chance to tell you himself.  Who knows he may not really have put two and two together when he told the Future Mother-In-Law about the trip.

Post # 8
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I agree a phone call might be best and just be genuine about what he means to Fiance .. if its not him calling.

Post # 9
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Definitely call instead of emailing.  All your groom can do is be honest and then let it go.  I know it’s hard, but you can’t control the choices others make, only how you react to them.  We just got a ‘decline’ from a couple we see more than anyone else in my FI’s family, they mean a lot to him and are the first family he introduced me to.  They said no because they want to use their time share that week, you know, instead of the 51 other weeks of the year that we AREN’T getting married.  We were hurt because of all of his family, they were always the ones we thought for sure would be there. 

They made their choice and now we are making ours to not dwell on it and focus on the people that ARE coming and want to be there for us. 

Post # 10
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Aww, that’s tough.  I would also recommend that your Fi call him, himself.  I’m not exaclty sure about the words.  Maybe something like:

“I heard you were thinking of going on vacation instead of my wedding.  I understand if you choose to do this, as the wedding is planned on a holiday weekend.  Since I might not get the chance to see you before the wedding, maybe I can take the time now to tell you you’ve been very important to me for a number of years.  I really needed a male role model after my dad died.  And I very much appreciate having you in my life.  Maybe if you weren’t around, I wouldn’t be in a place in my life to get married.  So thank you for all that you’ve done for me.  I’d love for you to come, if you change your mind.”

Post # 11
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Call instead of emailing, but like others have said, realize that people do choose to do things that don’t seem like they care.  I had 2 whole families back out b/c of really bogus excuses.  It hurt, b/c I grew up with them.  But you have to let it slide.  Remember, it may be one of the most important days for YOU but it may not be for all the people you’re inviting.

Post # 12
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I wouldn’t say anything at all. One of my uncles declined to come to our wedding because he wanted to go to an antique car meet that weekend (he goes to them almost every weekend). If he’s really planning not to attend, then there’s nothing he can say that will make you feel any better about it. Just let it go even though it hurts and it isn’t ideal.

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