Help! My best friend is not MOH material!

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
x0morganna :  I’m glad you aren’t mad at all of us for commenting.  🙂

I guess the question is, what are you expecting?  I planned our wedding with just my husband.  We had a 150 person wedding that was very straight forward.  No DIY. The theme was wedding.  The flowers were pretty, but they were flowers…

My friends and family had fun with me finding my wedding dress but that was about it.  If you think your friend can show up and you want her by your side, do it.  My sisters didn’t do anything but show up but I’m so happy they were my wedding party.  (They didn’t even wear matching dresses!) 

Post # 18
Member
10385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

And to answer the question you posed, yes, I do think you’re being a bad friend to snub your BFF of twenty years in favor of people who can do more for you. Because that’s what it comes down to, you would rather have someone who can offer you some sort of benefit than to have the person who you consider your best friend. 

Post # 19
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Would you have her as a bridesmaid?

Post # 20
Member
10385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
x0morganna :  Girl, there is nothing magical and sisterhood of the traveling pants-like about having to help you DIY wedding decor and lick envelopes. It’s not some beautiful journey together, it’s free labor so you don’t have to pay someone else to do it or do it all yourself.

You asked for opinions, almost everyone has said the same thing. It’s not salt, it’s just not what you wanted to hear. 

Post # 21
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

If your friend has a habit of ghosting you I can see why you don’t want to make her Maid/Matron of Honor. But making someone you aren’t close to your Maid/Matron of Honor just for free labor is inappropriate. 

Post # 25
Member
10385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

It’s totally cool to take people up on their offers to help, none of us would disagree with you on that! If someone offers then by all means take them up! That’s where the difference lies, taking someone up on an offer of help is different than assigning duties. See what I’m saying?

The main thing we’re saying is don’t pick people for certain roles only because they can do more/offer more than someone else. And don’t start assigning jobs or expect that your bridal party will help you DIY your wedding. You should assume that 98% of your DIY wedding will be done by yourself and your spouse. If you’re lucky your family will offer to pitch in and hopefully some friends (like the ones you’ve already mentioned) will offer to help here and there. But you should plan to be doing the majority of it yourself if you choose the DIY route.

Don’t feel like you’ve made a bad impression! That’s what this forum is for, getting feedback on your ideas. Granted sometimes we can be harsh (me especially, sorry!) we really mean well with the advice given. 

Post # 27
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee

If you’re expecting her to participate in planning with you and think she can’t do it, you don’t have to make her Maid/Matron of Honor. Or you can have her as one of the two Maid/Matron of Honor and just have the other Maid/Matron of Honor to actually do the planning with you. 

Edit to add: while it is about honouring friendship / family, if you think she’s going to drop off the face of the earth for months on end when you need to finalise arrangements like bridesmaids dresses etc, then don’t ask her. Truth is, even if she’s not involved in helping with any planning, being a bridesmaid does mean you will need to plan for HER part in the wedding, and if she can’t be reliably available and will make your planning process difficult / bring drama, then don’t do it. Otherwise if things go downhill, it could be friendship ending.

Post # 28
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I made the mistake of choosing my old maid of honor. It is a couple months before the bachelorette and it was not even being planned. Thankfully I bought the townhouse (area is a very touristy town). 

Old maid of honor was chosen because of our tight relationship. I loved how she loved God in the midst of hardship. 

However, she can’t think about more than one thing at a time. So she dropped out being maid of honor. I begged her to delegate if she was feeling overwhelmed with bachelorette party planning.  She is not good with delegating.

 

For me bachelorette is the only thing I expected my Maid/Matron of Honor to plan. Also maybe to be a sound board for ideas but not to plan the entire wedding. That’s what a planner is for.

 

My brothers girlfriend has stepped up and I made her Maid/Matron of Honor. She jumped in like a pro. Loves everything wedding related. 

 

My old Maid/Matron of Honor has not talked to me since she has stepped down. Still have no clue if she is still a bridesmaid 😔. 

If there was a redo I would choose all family for bridal party.

Post # 28
Member
11371 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
x0morganna :  hi, mod here.

yes, there was one post that attacked you personally. I’ve deleted the comment. normally this shows, but for some reason it’s not and I didn’t want people thinking you were imagining it!

personal attacks are a violation of the TOS.

The bees will mostly be honest with you, but out of care for your friendship, as that’s obviously why you posted. 

Post # 29
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

This topic has been discussed on this forum MANY times. The answers people are giving you are the same ones, others have gotten. 

A maid of HONOR is a close frirnd or family member that you want to honor by standing up in your wedding by your side. 

Any free labor, any party planning, anything related to the wedding other than buying a dress and showing up are optional. Just because you’ve helped out when you were a bridesmaid does not make it mandatory. 

You should choose your bridal party based on whos been there for you in your life, who you want to stand beside you on your special day, and who you want to honor. 

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