Help! My best friend is not MOH material!

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

Why not make her one of two MOHs? Maybe her and your mom’s friend? That way, you honor the position both have in your lives, and you have two people to be supportive (knowing, perhaps, that one will do this more than the other)?

Post # 32
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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x0morganna :  ok then my answer is if she’s reliable enough to be a bridesmaid she should be Maid/Matron of Honor. As you’ve already been informed its an honor not duties. 

Post # 34
Member
9387 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

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x0morganna :  If my BFF/MOH ghosted on me for a significant amount of time (6 weeks +) during the wedding planning process it definitely would stress me out.  She has ghosted in the past and it can last a *long* time–I’d start to worry she’d no-show to the wedding, even.  So, yeah, if you think she’s gonna do that I’d definitely find someone else.  (And if you think she’s gonna ghost on the rehearsal dinner or day of your wedding, definitely don’t go wtih her!) 

That said, it really sounds like you believe the fact your Maid/Matron of Honor may not be up for planning your bachelorette is a good enough reason to replace your BFF of 20 years.

If you do feel closer to your mothers best friend or your friend of 2 years–that’s fine.  You choose whomever you want to stand beside you and support you on the day of your wedding.   

Also, as someone who hired a DOC–I highly recommend one, or a wedding planner if you need even more help.  Just because your posts do seem to imply you’d like someone other than your fiance helping you plan.

Post # 36
Member
8152 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You’d literally rather have your MOMs friend and your HUSBANDs FRIENDs wife instead of your best friend? Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t about how much shit someone can shovel for you, which is exactly how you’re planning this. Get a better Fiance if you think you’ll need soooo much help planning and executing your wedding, or hire someone. 

Gross behaviour. Bad friend. Selfish bride. 

Post # 37
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Your mom’s friend and husband’s friend’s wife can still help as bridesmaids. Ripping away the maid of honor title from your best friend will certainly damage your relationship. It’s just a title. Why burn bridges over it. Anyone can help whenever and however they want to no matter their title in the wedding. You can of course honor anyone with that title but she already thinks it’s her. It just seems unnecessary and not worth the potential hurt.

Post # 38
Member
10338 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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x0morganna :  

Its a hard one ( I was pretty negative feeling at first but I think you have good humouredly explained what you really meant  )

Need you bother with the titles at all? Just have bridesmaids. If the worst  happens and she doesn’t even show up it will be less of a big deal . Certainly  don’ t plan to have her give a  speech! 

Post # 39
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

The job of Maid/Matron of Honor is to show up in the chosen dress (budget agreed to in advance and in private) and smile for the pictures. Maybe make a nice speech. That’s it. That’s it. People tell you that, you say yes, then you say you did more when you were a bridesmaid, then you talk about wanting a Maid/Matron of Honor to plan your bachelorette party.

Show up. Dress. Smile. Speech. That’s all. Every single other thing is voluntary or done by someone you pay.

Post # 40
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

That’s why I chose not to have bridesmaids or a Maid/Matron of Honor. I have two friends I’m extremely close with (and they’re sisters). Choosing one of them would have been the first problem. One of them is rather unreliable – she just forgets things. The other one would have thrown herself into planning and organizing and probably would have stopped sleeping altogether. And then there was the third friend who basically got me and my fiancé together and has been very supportive of our relationship. But she’s not the most reliable person either.

 

So: no bridesmaids, no Maid/Matron of Honor. They all wanted to help with stuff, so I’ve asked all of them to help with bits and pieces so if something or the other gets forgotten, it’s no big deal and nobody has to do a lot of work.

Post # 41
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think a large part of your problem is that you are describing the “alternates” as your mom’s friend and your fiancé’s friend’s wife. It would be easier to believe that you were choosing based on relationships if you had described them as friends. 

Your mom’s friend and fiancé’s friend’s wife can still help if they offered to help as regular bridesmaids or as guests. If it wasn’t for their planning help, would you still be making them MOH? That will give you your answer. 

 

Post # 42
Member
549 posts
Busy bee

I have two bridesmaids C and K, C is a VERY dear friend whilst  K is my fsil, and then there’s my maid of honour E. 

So far C has come with me to 4 bridal appointments and one expo (K also came to the expo), she has driven me to pick up my dress, and has discussed all things wedding with me. My moh E lives 200 odd miles away and is trying to start a business – so far she has done NOTHING wedding with me. 

Do I love C? Yes. Has she been the most helpful party member? Yes. Is she incredibly organised and a hell of a planner? Yes. If I could turn back time would I make C my moh? No.

You see, no matter what happens E is my best friend in the world. She might be flakey, she might be far away, she might be forgetful; but she’s my best friend of 10 years. As long as she stands up next to me as I walk down the aisle the rest doesn’t matter.

I would very seriously suggest you think about how much you and this girl mean to each other. 

Post # 43
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Honestly, I think a lot of the responses here (which I’ve seen a lot on this forum) come from the Bees’ own social groups and expectations.

Where I live, it’s expected that bridesmaids will at least offer to help with wedding tasks – not least because they’re your friends and that’s what friends do! 

Bee, if you’re concerned about your friend being Maid/Matron of Honor now, I would just ask her to be bridesmaid and appoint someone else. Wedding planning can be super stressful and you don’t want the added worry of her flaking on your plate too. Good luck!

Post # 44
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I know most bees on this board just expect the bridesmaids and Maid/Matron of Honor to show up to the wedding and that’s it, but in my area, people in bridal parties plan the bridal shower and/or bachelorette party. The Maid/Matron of Honor should be someone responsible enough to organize those events. I’ve witnessed many broken friendships involving the bride choosing a flakey friend as the Maid/Matron of Honor. It caused a lot of headache for the bridesmaids as well as the bride. 

In one instance, I knew a Maid/Matron of Honor who “planned” a bridal shower to which nobody was aware of, except for the bride and one bridesmaid. The Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t even show up to the bridal shower. She reserved a large table in the middle of a busy restaurant and only two people showed up…the bride and one other bridesmaid. The bride waited for an hour and no one showed up. Needless to say, she went home crying. 

Just make your friend a bridesmaid. You won’t have any expectations of her and your friendship will be in tact after the wedding. 

Post # 45
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Okay so I haven’t read absolutely every response on here, in case that matters. 

Anyway. 

OP, the impression I am getting from you is that it isn’t actually about “doing stuff for you” as others might be thinking, but that you want your Maid/Matron of Honor to actually be a close enough friend to you to be excited for you and *want* to hear you chatter about wedding crap or look at the photo of the dress, blah blah….. someone to be that special friend when everyone else is off doing their own lives. Does this sound about right? 

I have three friends I am considering but am unsure if I want just one Maid/Matron of Honor and that’s it or if I want 1 Maid/Matron of Honor and 2 maids….. for a similar reason. My 2 girls who might be maids are ladies who I love dearly. I have called all 3 my best friend at different periods, but let’s be honest…. sometimes friends, while still friends, grow distant, and  you can’t see them in quite as personal spaces as you once did. Is this more what you’re referring to? It’s more the vibe I seemed to be getting. 

I’d just make her a bridesmaid. If you have a “new best friend,” or perhaps a very close cousin, why not make them the MOH? 

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