Help! My best friend is not MOH material!

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

I feel like these are some damn altruistic responses . . . Dude, choose whomever you want to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. You’ll get a lot of grief for asking us who we think it should be. I say if she’s some dithering flake, are you really great friends anymore? Would she be Maid/Matron of Honor out of nostalgia and the fact that you’ve known each other the longest? A friend isn’t measured by how long you’ve known someone, it’s what you’ve been through together.

My friend had a Maid of Honor and Matron of Honor (Matron is married). That got kinda hairy when one tried to plan everything over the other, but if you had a similar arrangement, seems like your girl in question wouldn’t be too much a problem in that regard. I also think no Maid of Honor would be good, too.

Post # 47
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I don’t think that helping plan a wedding is in the job description. If someone offers to help with that or really loves that sort of stuff then fine but it’s your wedding and your responsibility. Nothing worse than a diy bride who expects everyone else tp help with the diy in my opinion.

I expected my bridal party to show up to dress fittings and they helped a tiny but with my hens party but that was initially planned by me helping my sister and they just Showed up really. If you can’t trust her to do that then I get it but there’s no real difference between her as a bridesmaid or moh so if you are that worried about her ghosting I wouldn’t have her at all. 

Post # 48
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Why not just have 3 bridesmaids then. They can all just contribute to where their strengths are. If you think your friend will give a great speech then that can be her ‘role’ your other friends are more organised then they plan shower or parties etc. That way everyone is equal and no one can be offended and everyone can help you or not and it won’t matter. 

Post # 49
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

Is she reliable enough to show up on the big day and be wearing the agreed upon outfit? If so, then DUH select her!!! MOH and BMs often help out with wedding details, but it is not required. Hire a party planner if you want one. 

Post # 50
Member
13920 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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x0morganna :  “I’ve always been under the impression that a Maid/Matron of Honor was not just a very close friend but also your right-hand woman that was by your side for the duration of the planning.”

I hope that by now most people have disabused you of that notion. You seem have things a little backwards. While it’s a nice thing to do, of course, any offers to help in the planning stage are totally optional and voluntary. You have no right to the expectation or the entitlement. 

The fact that your wedding will be very DIY and that your friends have been similarly inappropriate in their expectations does not justify you. 

Post # 51
Member
1529 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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bunnkiwi7117 :  I’m truly sorry that you had such a shitty experience with your Maid/Matron of Honor but just because that was your experience doesn’t mean that will be OPs. Your case sounded like an extreme one in that a bunch of things happened. Personally I think if they have been best friends for 20 years and assuming the OP has no sisters that would otherwise naturally fill that position then her friend would be extremely hurt that she wasn’t chosen. I mean how do you explain that to her?

Post # 52
Member
2250 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I planned our whole wedding with the help of my husband and Mother-In-Law. My maid of honour planned my hens party and was someone who was my rock when I was stressed. That’s all you can expect. Ps my other three bridesmaids literally just showed up on the wedding day 

Post # 53
Member
356 posts
Helper bee

I think you’re confused as to what a maid of honor does lol

Post # 54
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My sister was the best Maid/Matron of Honor that I could ever ask for. I told her to get whatever type of dress she wanted, and she was a great support to me on the day of, and we called her the “dress ninja” as she was very helpful in getting my train to the right position for photos and things. I did not have bridesmaids. 

She went above and beyond my expectations, and wasn’t too involved in the planning side of things. She has her own life. My husband and I planned our wedding, with help from both of our respective mothers. 🙂 

 

 

Post # 55
Member
780 posts
Busy bee

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x0morganna :  This is ridiculous to me. You want to make people who you are not as close with (your mother’s best friend and your best man’s wife) the matrons of honor just because they can help more with planning? Ridiculous.

I suspect that you will risk losing the friendship if you don’t make your best friend maid of honor. A lot of times it does boil down to that from what I have seen. And the fact that you are calling this woman your best friend means that she should be maid of honor. The other stuff/responsibilities you list are irrelevant.

I don’t agree with your definition of responsibilities for the maid of honor/bridal party, but I think the best solution for you would be to make your best friend the maid of honor. And then either of the other women as the matron of honor–have 1 maid of honor and 1 matron of honor. Bridesmaids and even people who are not in the bridal party can still help plan and with crafts.

Post # 56
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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x0morganna :  It is not absurd. I am not always one for etiquette and I certainly don’t expect my Maid of Honor to be my unpaid help but there is a basis for her belief that more is “expected” of the bridal attendants than just “showing up”.  Here is the link if you want to check it out.

emilypost.com/advice/wedding-attendants/

 

Post # 57
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

I have a lifelong friend who can also disappear for months at a time.  She is amazing, and I love her for who she is.  She knows that she can be MIA, and we have talked about her MIA-ness before.  I did not have her in my wedding due to how MIA she can be.  I actually had tried contacting her to ask her to be in our wedding, but she never responded.  We are still amazing friends and she has never once suggested that she resents me for not having her in the wedding.  We’ve never talked about it. I at times wonder if she feels slighted that she wasn’t in the wedding, but at the same time, she’s never done anything to suggest that she feels slighted.  Anyways, i think you’re being reasonable about how you’re considering who to have in your bridal party.  If having someone ghost you while you’re trying to put in a dress order would stress you out/ hurt your friendship, then it might be a better idea to have her be in the wedding party.

Post # 58
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee

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x0morganna :  This whole bridesmaid/MOH duties is a really hot topic and why you’re getting a lot of the responses you are getting.

I have to ask, when your best friend flaked out, and basically disappeared for months at a time, what did you do?  Did you try to find out what was going on in her life?  Or did you sit back and say well, Emily’s gone MIA again, I’m just going to let her call me when she’s “on” again?

I think many of us here have dealt with flaky friends.  But did you, or do you, really knows what goes on behind closed doors 24/7?  In other words, do you really know what was going on in those times where she’s gone missing and been flaky?

My Maid/Matron of Honor was one of my best friends that I’ve know since freshman year of college.  Like all relationships, there were ebbs and flows.  She got married before me and had a baby.  She also worked full time so we went through a period where we did not have a lot in common because I was still single and don’t have any kids.  However, when it was time to choose a Maid/Matron of Honor, there was no doubt I would chose her.

Around the time I got engaged, her marriage started falling apart.  We had a really long talk because I didn’t want to make things worse by having all this wedding stuff surrounding her.  She said she was honored to be my Maid/Matron of Honor even if she couldn’t be there for me all the time because of what she was going through.  I never once thought of replacing her because there were better party planners in our group of friends.

Being your “right hand woman” means being there for you; it doesn’t mean attending bridal expos unless she offers to.  I was probably a better friend for my Maid/Matron of Honor in that I listened to her vent and cry than she was for me during my engagement.  But that’s what friends do for each other.

If you’re really that concerned that your friend is going to flake out again, why don’t you sit down and talk to her first?  Don’t mention anything about her being your Maid/Matron of Honor, but ask her what’s going on in her life.  I’m sure she would love to hear that you’re interested in what’s going on.

Unless you are super close with your mom’s friend and the best man’s wife, I would not ask either of them to be your Maid/Matron of Honor because then it really does look like you chose them based on what they can do for you.

And for what it’s worth, I’ve been a bridesmaid several times.  There have been times where I’ve done DIY stuff and there’s been times I just show up for the pre wedding parties and the wedding itself.  To be honest, those times I did the DIY stuff, I felt like unpaid labor.  Even though I offered to help, I felt like I was taken advantage of my generosity.  I like helping, but I don’t like being treated like I’m “expected” to help.

There is no “journey” for a Maid/Matron of Honor or a bridesmaid with the bride, at least for me, I’ve never personally experienced anything of that nature.  That journey is for you and your Fiance.

I’m not saying any of this with snark.  I think your expectations are based on your own experiences as a bridesmaid, and I hate to say it, it sounds like you went way above and beyond what you should have.

So temper your own expectations, and think if you would ask your friend to be Maid/Matron of Honor regardless of whether or not the best man’s wife or your mom’s friend offered to help.  There’s your answer.

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