Help! My best friend is not MOH material!

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 62
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee

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x0morganna :  Well, it sounds like you and your friend have a complicated history.  Maybe things will become clearer when you two can sit down and talk.  Don’t mention “expectations” or things like that, maybe at least not initially.  If your wedding is really in 2020, you don’t need to pick any of your bridal party members yet.  You actually see posts like that a lot here – brides pick their bridal party right after getting engaged, then friendships change and wish they had picked other people.

Give it some time and see how it goes with your friend.  If she was trying to break you up to begin with, I’m a little surprised she would expect such an honor.

Post # 63
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I think some people look at the Maid/Matron of Honor thing in a different way…  For me everyone just has to show up.  But, I had a feeling the OP was thinking of someone organzing events, etc. 

I just would not go that route…  I’d hire someone to take care of that stuff like a wedding planner.  With me working, havng 2 dogs, bills, etc…  I would not want the ‘responsibility’ of being the type of Maid/Matron of Honor that planned events, DIYs, etc.  The whole thing is very time consuming and it is alot to ask someone to take on.  To me bonding time is grabbing dinner or a drink with girlfriends and talking/ laughing.  Bonding is not making party favors after I’ve worked all day/week. 

Idk…  But, I do not care about tradition enough to miss a special moment…  Why can’t this girl still give you a speech at the reception?  Why can’t she be a 3rd MOH?  There is no such thing as the perfect wedding and things falling perfectly into place.  If anyone wants things perfect I think they should hire a wedding consultant to take care of the details others don’t want to or don’t have time to do.

Post # 64
Member
10338 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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x0morganna :  

I’ve just noticed your  wedding isn’t till Ocotober 2020!  Ages to go before you need ask anyone to be anything . 

Post # 65
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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x0morganna :  I see your wedding isn’t until 2020 so I’d like to give you advice from a fellow long engagement bride that might help! When I first got engaged, my best friend and I just had a falling out and I felt that a lot of my friends were flaky. Since I knew we wouldn’t be getting married until I got my degree I held off on picking a bridal party and I’m SO glad I did.  A year and a half later I graduated and we both had good jobs so we started planning. My friendships were SO different by then. I drifted from many of the flakey friends I had, got closer with some old friends and some acquainces became best friends. The Maid/Matron of Honor I chose is a friend I made through my fiance, her long-term boyfriend is like a brother to my fiance and she’s become like a sister to me. We always celebrate birthdays and holidays together and invite eachother everywhere. Since I don’t have a sister of my own, I always wanted my Maid/Matron of Honor to be someone that would be like an aunt to my future children like my mom’s Maid/Matron of Honor is to me. So I really recommend waiting until you’re a year out from your wedding before you ask anyone to be in the bridal party, in time you’ll figure out who you’ll be close with for life. You’ll see who continues to put effort into you friendship. Personally I can’t stand flaky people so my friendships with people like that aren’t as strong because I never know if I can count on them so I get where you’re coming from with not wantiing your one friend to be Maid/Matron of Honor. Give it a year and a few months and you’ll see who’s really there for you 

Post # 66
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2019

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x0morganna : I may be in the minority, but i do think the maid of honor does have “duties” and different expectations than other bridesmaids, but only if you communciate your expectations to her in advance so you don’t “move the goalpost” on her. Can you tell your friend that your going to have two maids of honor (matron of honor for the wife of best man, and maid of honor as your moms best friend). or could you do a matron of honor – wife of best man and then your best friend as maid of honor? she would have the matron of honor to help plan things and then you would have piece of mind in regards to not worrying if she will ghost you or not. 

 

I have two best friends and one of them is exactly as you described. My sister originally told me she didnt want to be my maid of honor (many years ago) so my plan to avoid hurting feels but also getting stuff done was to have 2 maids of honor (shitshow and responsible one). Ultimately, my sister changed her mind and shes my maid of honor. I was nervous because she’s more of a free spirit and not logistically inclined but she’s really surprised me and planned my bachelorette, attended my bridal fittings, helped me plan events, and keep everyone cool, calm, and collected. 

 

Post # 67
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

If I were in your position I would just not have a maid of honour. Personally I think that you should have your oldest, closest friend if you DO want a maid of honour and just accept that helping you with loads of stuff isn’t the point of that role. But if that really bothers you then don’t choose someone you’re less close with than her. I’m not engaged yet but I have already decided I won’t have a maid of honour. It would either have to be my cousin, but she lives really far away so wouldn’t be able to be physically present for lots of stuff, which wouldn’t anger or annoy me, but would make me sad she wasn’t there to share it. Or it would have to be my oldest, closest (non family) friend who I dearly love but who compulsively makes everythnig about herself and is quite a high maintenance person a lot of the time. Therefore I have decided I will forego a maid of honour and just have bridesmaids. What I’m getting at with that really long anecdote is that if you don’t feel like the person who SHOULD be your maid of honour can fulfil the role in a way that will match your expectations and make you happy, then maybe just get rid of that role altogether and save yourself the drama/disappointment. Or change your expectations. These traditional wedding roles carry so much pressure for the bride and the people themselves, and I think often we forget that they are not compulsory x 

Post # 68
Hostess
4928 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

x0morganna :  I had two MOHs, my sister and best friend.  My sister is not a planner and barely wanted to be involved, while my best friend went above and beyond planning things because that’s her nature and she wanted to.  My sister was an excellent Maid/Matron of Honor too!  Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t have to be a planner or even really into weddings.  It’s about asking the person/people who are most close to you to stand by your side as you make a huge commitment in front of your loved ones.  I would ask your best friend to be Maid/Matron of Honor and if there is really a person you feel strongly about having as a second Maid/Matron of Honor, ask her as well. 

In my friend circle, it’s very common to help with your friend’s wedding when you’re a bridesmaid, but not required.  When I’m constantly assigned ‘tasks’ by an overbearing bride, I tend to withdraw and reconsider our friendship.  Otherwise, I am frequently offering my help and happy to do so. 

Post # 69
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’ve been engaged for 9 months and my wedding is just 3 months away (!) So far all my bridesmaids have done / offered to do is go dress shopping and to dress alterations appointments with me. I really don’t expect much more than that. No one has mentioned a bachelorette party (and I’m ok with that) and my Aunt is giving me a wedding shower (which I don’t really want, but is important to her, so ok).

Basically I think that a lot of brides expect too much from their bridesmaids / maid of honor. The only thing that bummed me out a little was that I asked if one of them could help me get the dress on / bustle it after the ceremony and they all declined. So I’m paying my make-up lady to stay a little longer and help dress me. And an employee at the venue is going to do the bustle. 

If you need major help or don’t think you can plan everything yourself then maybe get a wedding planner? Just a thought.

Post # 70
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Wow, there are some serious opinions on here. Don’t get scared off, Bee. This is really a great community. 

Post # 71
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about it, especially if you have other BMs. My Maid of Honor (little sister) was not “MOH-material” either (young, broke, clueless on everything wedding related, and never planned a party). Everything worked out fine. The other Bridesmaids and her worked together as a team and planned a bach. weekend for me and helped out equally at my bridal shower.

Post # 72
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Oh bee, sorry you’ve been a bit crucified here! Reading your follow-ups, I don’t think you’re being a bad friend and I don’t fault you for thinking that MOH/BMs tend to help with planning and coordinating. Before planning my own wedding, I tended to think that too. It’s what all movies and tv shows tell us, after all!

As for your situation, I can’t tell you who to choose for your Maid/Matron of Honor. Just go with who you most want next to you the day of the wedding. If other BMs are more likely to help plan, awesome! They don’t have to have a special title for it. My Maid/Matron of Honor (and most of my BMs) live out of state. I got lucky that my Maid/Matron of Honor was in town when I went dress shopping and she’s pumped to plan a bachelorette party. But when it comes to nitty gritty planning, that’s mostly myself and my Fiance, with some help from our moms and the one local Bridesmaid or Best Man I have. Basically, the “roles” don’t have to be as cut and dry as movies and society tell us. Good luck! And hopefully the responses don’t scare you away from the bee!

Post # 73
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

I don’t see what’s wrong with having two MOH’s or co-MOH’s. The one who has been your friend longer can do the toast/speech, and the one who’s better at planning/helping can do other things that your childhood friend probably won’t want to do or won’t be good at. I went through this experience and honestly I can say that neither of them really like weddings in general. I wish I had gone with people who would want to participate in the traditional way rather than in a minimalist way.

At the end of the day, I am having no MOH’s and just having one person designated to do a toast/speech since FI’s best woman is doing a speech.

Definitely have SOMEONE leading / managing everyone else though. It becomes a shitshow otherwise and you end up managing a lot more than you can handle.

Post # 74
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

Maybe you’re underestimating her. Is she really that horrible? How are you two still friends then? Lol. Give her a chance. You seem to want her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. If you have other bridesmaids then they can pick up the slack if she isn’t as reliable as you’d want. I’ve been in many wedding parties and everyone takes an even role. I agree that there is a role to be played as a Maid/Matron of Honor, but if she doesn’t do it then someone else will. If you don’t have bridesmaids that want to help then maybe you need better friends… not to be mean.

Post # 75
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2018

This is all interesting to read because where I’m from bridesmaids help plan the shower and the bachelorette party. Not that they’re obligated or forced to, it’s just the expected and accepted etiquette. Every wedding I’ve been in where I live, it’s been the same way. The bride doesn’t expect it or even talk about it to the bridesmaids, it’s jut understood that these things get addressed and set up by the bridesmaids. Maybe it’s a regional thing, idk.

That being said, there is somewhat of an expectation that the people you choose for your bridal party will be reliable and at the bare minimum, attend the wedding. I was stuck between two of my best friends for Maid/Matron of Honor, but I only wanted one. The friend I didn’t pick is also somewhat flaky, unorganized, and had a history of procrastinating.  The friend I ended up picking called shower venues, looked into ideas form bachelorette parties, organized all the other girls but she wanted to do it because she’s very organized and loves taking charge. I ended up being glad I picked her because I found out that the other friend I was thinking ghosted the group for planning, didn’t contribute financially to their plan, and then I found out 2 weeks before the wedding, she never even bought her dress but wasn’t planning on telling me until the day of the wedding. 

So, while it is supposed to be a person or family member you’re very close with, you also want to make sure this person can handle the “responsibility” of even just showing up. If you truly believe that she is too flaky is even make it to the wedding, pick someone else. My friendship with the friend I didn’t pick was uncomfortable for a little while as she admitted to being jealous, but we were able to move on and are still great friends. In fact my friend admitted that she probably would not have been the most reliable Maid/Matron of Honor which is where her jealously initially came from. Because she knew another friend would be better at something for me.

And the role of bridesmaids and MoHs varies by location and who the person is, I guess My maid of honor was the type of go on Pinterest with me and go to bridal expos and scope out venues, watch me try on dresses, but she wanted to. Would I have asked her to do those things? Nope. But she offered because she was just excited that her best friend was gettin married. I’ve also seen MoHs who literally just get asked to accept the title and don’t do a single thing  except make a speech. Even then, my SIL is getting married and her Maid/Matron of Honor is shy and doesn’t want to make a speech. This Maid/Matron of Honor asked another bridesmaid to do it instead  and there’s been no problems with that. It all depends on what works for your bridesmaids and what they offer to do. 

I know, sometimes you get taken literally on here. When you said helping with planning, I just read it as “a friend to be informed of the process”. I didn’t think you literally meant that you were going to have your maid of honor licking stamps or setting tables. I get it. These things are exciting and you want someone to share it with. If the person isn’t available to be excited with, you naturally want to find someone else. That’s just personally my interpretation of your post. Good luck bee! Everything works out. 

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