(Closed) Help!! My brother wants his daughter to be my flower girl

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I would have her be a flowergirl. She probably really wants to be one. Your brother wants her to be one. 

you’re sister’s kids were always there for you? Come on, they’re kids. The other one is annoying and whines? She’s a kid. 

Do what you feel is right? Your picking flowergirls. Not standing up for equality.

Make your brother and a little girl happy. You said how he was always there for you. 

I don’t think the other flowergirls are thinking about "the honor you’ve bestowed on them", they’re excited about the wedding and the pretty dresses. When I asked mine, the first thing they asked was if they could wear a tiara!  

 

 

Post # 4
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m in a similar situation–my 2 sisters have kids, and I have 2 nieces and a nephew.  When my sister got married again last year, both little girls were flower girls–they loved it (of course), and now everyone is asking if they can be MY flower girls too…

Like you, I’m having a simple, casual ceremony.  Flower girls just don’t really work.  So, I’ve nicely but firmly told my sisters that their daughters won’t be flower girls.  Instead, we’re just going to buy them pretty, fun dresses to wear to the wedding–it’s what they want most anyway! 

So…do you think you might be able to give your other niece some other option?  Like tell her she can wear a pretty dress, or that she’ll hand out programs, or give out flower petals at the end of the night?  And, if none of those ideas work, you should definitely just tell your brother the truth–but be kind.  Tell him that you never really wanted 2 flower girls, and you’re very sorry, but it would just be too hard to incorporate into your wedding.

Good luck! 

Post # 5
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

hmmmm…how old are the kids?  i may be easier to get one to walk down if she can hold the other’s hand or they can do it together…it may work out better.  Are you sure you just dont want to ask because the kid is a cry-baby?  I hate to say it (because it really irritates me when people try to force crap on the bride), but I dont think this is a battle worth fighting…

Post # 6
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

I second the poster above who said just let her be the flower girl.  We have three bridesmaids, three groomsmen, two flower girls, and a ring bearer.  

 

She’s just a child and can’t help it if she’s whiny or a brat, that’s how kids are.  If it means that much to your brother, I’d just let her do it.  Just look at it this way- she walks down the aisle and gets to feel special, but it doesn’t make a big difference in your day.

Post # 7
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2007

I understand your wish to keep your bridal party simple, but while the kids are part of the wedding party, choosing a flowergirl is not the same as choosing bridesmaids or a Maid/Matron of Honor. It’s not like she’s part of your bridal shower or bachelorette party – she’s not responsible for anything but looking pretty, behaving, and walking in a straight line. Yes, it is an honor to be in the bridal party, but this child isn’t thinking about that, and even if you explained it to her, she wouldn’t underestand that concept. All she will know is that you didn’t choose her, but you chose her cousin, and she will be hurt. She will sense that you don’t like her, and she most likely won’t know why. If she really wants to be a flowergirl, I would allow her to do it, if only to preserve your relationship with her brother – if his daughter is hurt, he will be too, and he will instinctively protect her, even if it means straining his relationship with you a little.

If you REALLY don’t want two flower girls, UrbanLeo’s suggestion to give her another task (or even to buy her a special dress to make her stand out) might do a lot to make her feel included. But for the sake of family dynamics, don’t exclude her.

Post # 9
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

if it meant that much to my brother id do it.  two flower girls will be cute 🙂  

Post # 10
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

How old is this little girl??  You keep saying she bugged you…is she three?  Five?  I think in this instance…you’re rejecting a kid who’s personality isn’t even developed yet.  And while you may be closer to the other kids, will it make a difference to have two flower girls?  Not really.  It really raises a flag that you are excluding her, and it’s obvious to all the adults, and it is certain to ruffle feathers.  (I would be outright offended if I was always there for you, and you don’t want my daughter to have 5 minutes in your wedding because…she’s whiny?  Seriously?)  Even if she was a candidate for Nanny 911, she’s just a kid, your brother’s kid, and I have no idea what would posses you to exclude her from walking down the aisle for 30 seconds with a basket.

My nephew has been worked into the bridal party even though he’s a spoiled snot.  But in 16 years if he’s looking at our wedding photos, I want him to smile and say "I was in my aunt’s wedding" not "I remember Dad was so pissed my aunt wouldn’t let me be in the wedding."  This is a decision that will be remembered and brought up…I wouldn’t make the wrong call on this.

Post # 11
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I definitely agree with all the above posters that it’d be wrong to exclude the child entirely. My brother and sister are among the whiniest, brattiest kids I’ve ever met (seriously, the whole family talks behind my stepmom’s back about how badly behaved they’ve always been), but they’re included in my wedding because it’s important to them, to my dad, and in the long run, to me.

One thing you may not have thought about, tho I guess I don’t know if you’d bother to care, is that something like this could seriously affect her for a long time. Little things can really profoundly affect kids. Something that seems pretty minor to you, a passing comment, or leaving her out of your wedding, could leave serious scars. It sounds like I’m being melodramatic and all, but seriously, she could wind up struggling with rejection and inferiority for years, over something that shouldn’t matter that much to you, based on the reasoning you’ve given. Some kids might not care, but I know I would have been *devastated* if I was left out of my aunt’s wedding while my cousin got to be in it. And maybe some kids would have forgotten a month later, but I wouldn’t have. I don’t think it’s worth the strain on your relationship with family members (and I can guarantee it won’t just be your brother who winds up feeling upset), or the hurt you’ll be doing this kid, for the sake of "she bugs me."

 Not to mention, as was pointed out above, having two flower girls really betters your odds that they’ll actually go down the aisle like they’re supposed to. Even the most outgoing kid in the world can freeze up with that many people watching them, having someone’s hand to hold may be a good thing.

I really, really, really don’t think this is a hill worth dying on. Your brother is obviously important to you, don’t screw that up for no good reason.

Post # 12
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

This is a tough situation, but for the sake of family harmony I think you should include the child.  If she is whiny and spoiled, that will reflect poorly on her parents, not upon you since all of your guests will understand that you had to include her in your wedding.

Post # 13
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Also, if you do decide to have her in the wedding PLEASE do so with good grace. Don’t make anyone feel like you’re just doing it to make your brother happy, *especially* your niece. It would be worse, by far, to let her be in it but make everyone feel horrible about it than to just politely leave her out. Just… try to handle it in a mature way, no matter what you decide, ok?

Post # 15
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. You’re really going to choose one niece over the other because you like one CHILD more than the other? Basically it’s like you’re choosing your sister over your brother. It’s just awful in my opinion. This little girl could grow up to be a wonderful adult. I’m under the impression she’s under 10? Probably 5? I simply don’t think it’s appropriate to play favors in this situation. 

I think your brother will resent you for this. You are siblings, after all, and it’s not as if he’s estranged. 

I think you need to be the adult and let it slide. They’re only going to be in pictures in their frilly little dresses. If she acts up, your brother can take her out of the room. What is she possibly going to do worse as a flower girl versus a regular guest? Poor attitudes reflect on the parent, anwyays, so maybe your brother can have a little talk with her about being good. She might throw more of a tantrum if she isn’t included. And I’m betting she will grow out of the behavior. 

She just walks out and throws rose petals…..that’s IT. Are you really going to notice her? No, I don’t think so. I think you should greatly reconsider, even if just as a favor to your brother. And I think it’s perfectly OK for siblings to ask favors of the bride

Post # 16
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think it’s really important for everyone who is important to the bride and groom to know how important they are to them on the wedding day.  You are asking for their support as you make this huge decision to get married, and they likewise need to feel like you support and love them back.  It sounds like your brother is really important to you.  Imagine how important his daughter is to him.  Can you imagine how excited she is for your wedding?  Is this the first wedding she’s been to as a little girl?  Also, how will she feel if her cousin is a flower girl but she isn’t?  Little kids don’t "get" these decisions in the same way that adults do (or should).  I think that if your family is important to you, you need to find a way to incorporate her in the wedding.  If you are worried about her acting up during the ceremony, maybe ask your brother and your sister to sit with their daughters in the front row after they walk down the aisle.  

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