(Closed) Help!! My brother wants his daughter to be my flower girl

posted 12 years ago in Family
Post # 17
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Well give us a little more info then.  Again, how old is she?  What are the details of the brattiness, that your mom won’t even babysit?

Based on what you have said, I also agree that she should be in it.  It’s not like dealing with adults.  It would be one thing if you didn’t have any flower girls.  But if you have one, I think you should have the other, especially since your brother is special to you.  This girl might have insecurities, as it is.  So this could add to them.  (And she is your neice.  You can’t help it if you love the other girl more, but it would be breaking a cardinal rule to make that obvious to everyone.)  I know your sister adivsed you to stick to your guns.  But easy for her to say, her daughter is in the wedding.  Instead, ask her how she’d feel if you ask the other niece instead of her daughter. 

OK, so if you really feel like she will be a brat walking down the aisle, set up something concrete with your brother.  Tell him OK, but these are your concerns as to why you hesitated at first.  Then say, if she has a tantrum in the middle of the aisle, he will simply walk to her, pick her up, and carry her out of the church.  Try to have "incentives" for her doing a good job, waiting for her at the end of the aisle.  And tell your brother that if she kicks off at any point during the ceremony, he will immediately take her out of the church.  (Or wherever you’re having your ceremony.)  And maybe your brother and wife can really work with her on behaving properly, since having her do that at the wedding will mean 1, that he’d have to miss the ceremony if she misbehaves, and 2. it will be embarrassing to them (moreso than you) if she misbehaves in front of the whole family.

Post # 18
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

One more vote for letting her be a second flower girl. She’s just a kid, and it will make her and your brother happy, whereas excluding her could cause real ramifications for a long time for reasons others have stated.

Post # 19
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree, more information would be really helpful!  If your niece has a history of bad behavior and you think she just can’t handle being a flower girl, I’m in total sympathy.  Can you think of a specific incident where she behaved badly, that makes you think she might spoil your ceremony?  If you can, be honest with your brother and tell him "I want to make you guys happy, but I’m really nervous about making Mary a flower girl because of the time that X happened."  (How old is your brother’s daughter, btw?  How old is your sister’s daughter?)

If it’s just general brattiness, though, and you can’t think of anything specific that she did to justify not trusting her, I agree with those who’ve said that you may be judging her a little harshly (unless she’s like 10 or 12 or something).  Kids go through those phases, and usually grow out of it.  And while I agree that it’s not exactly proper etiquette to ask to be in someone’s wedding party, I think your brother is just excited, loves you, and wants his family to be part of your day — so try to see this as a positive thing instead of a huge insult to you.

One last idea — if you really really really don’t want her as a Flower Girl, could you have the florist make her a special basket or a crown of flowers to wear?  That way you’re including her in some of the fun stuff without giving her the responsibility of walking down the aisle.

Post # 20
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I tend to agree with the other posters, and your best bet would just be to include her.  Though more information would be helpful too.  I can kind of relate to this situation.

I picked one of my cousins to be a flower girl (age 7) and even though I have another cousin of the same age, I’m only having the one.  At first I felt bad, but I’m so close to the FG!  Even if she is a kid.  I"ve been babysitting her and her brother (the ring bearer) since they were each infants and my Fiance has been coming along with me ever since we started dating – they’re practically practice children for us!  I love my other little kid cousins too, but we just don’t have the same relationship that we do with these two.  That might sound horrible, but it’s just the way it is.

Post # 21
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2007

You must not be telling us the whole story. The way you’ve described your niece and your comments about her make you seem like the unreasonable one. I agree with most of the other posters – without specifics about your niece’s behavior, it’s hard for us to agree with your decision to exclude her and her family from being a part of your bridal party, because it sounds like you are penalizing her for simply being a kid.

I think ejs4y8 said it well – you need to be an adult about this. According to your profile, you are 38 years old. At that age, for you to decide to commit actions that you know will hurt the feelings of a child under 10, who has done nothing to you but be a typical child, is unconscionable, not to mention your supposedly good relationship with your brother/her father.

Post # 22
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Your post does come off a bit emotional, but I also think we’re probably not getting the entire story. I do understand being annoyed that you’re getting pressure from your brother to make his daughter your flower girl. He’s put you in a really awkward situation and he should have trusted you to make the decision you felt was best for your wedding.

I understand what a lot of people are saying about keeping the family peace and making a little girl happy by allowing her to be in your wedding, but my cousin was in almost the exact same situation as you. She asked her sister’s daughter to be her flower girl, but they didn’t ask his brother’s daughter, for a couple of reasons. One, they only had a Maid/Matron of Honor and a best man because it was a small wedding and small bridal party, so having multiple flower girls felt a bit off to them. Although that’s not really reason enough to potential hurt a little girl’s feelings, the brother’s daughter was also an absolute terror, which children can be, although in this case it was the result of extreme spoiling. It’s one thing to have a flower girl you expect will cry while walking down the aisle; it’s another thing to have a flower girl you expect will push the other girl down and run screaming down the aisle.

They bought the girl a pretty dress and asked her to pass out the bubbles. She was beyond elated and she didn’t cause a distraction during the ceremony. She was a nightmare during the reception, but at least my cousin got a peaceful ceremony with the people she wanted around her. Everyone was happy with this plan – you may consider something similar and make the call if it’s what’s best for everyone. Good luck!

Post # 23
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

First of all, I think everyone is being a bit harsh to this girl. Obviously, we do not know the whole story and we are not in her shoes. Honestly, please think about how you are coming across before you write a response. (I know, I know, you are just being honest and she asked for our opinion. I would not want to be on the other end of some of the snarky comments made here and I doubt you would).

ilovenycmissie, can we have a bit more information? How old are the 2 girls? Where do they live in proximity to you? What are some of the behaviors your brothers daughter has shown in the past to make you and your mother not "like" her and your sister to laugh and tell you to stick to your guns? I think this is all important info to know before we can tell you to ask her or stick to just the one.

I agree, though, that this may not be that big of an issue to cause a fight and possible hurt feelings over. There are things I am giving in on (my mom wants to add 10 more COUPLES to our guest list and we are 2 months out from the wedding! She swears they won’t come…yeah right!) as to not make people upset. But if you feel it will be a big issue, then you need to do what is best for you. I do like the idea of giving her an incentive or another important job to do.

I sort of understand your situation. My Fiance has a very controlling, manipulative sister. Everything has to be her way and she always plays the martyr. Well, we were on vacation with all his family a few days after we got engaged. We asked her youngest (will be 7 @ the wedding) to be our flower girl while we were there (wanted to do it in person). We were completely undecided on the rest of our bridal party, when, where, etc. At dinner one night his sister asks him, "so are you going to ask D (her 11 year old son) to be the ring bearer or is one of K’s cousins going to get to do that?" My Fiance looks at her with annoyance and says "yeah. we don’t know yet." In this case, he is way to old to be a ring bearer (IMOP) and we were just not sure what we were going to do.

Please give us some more info. Maybe you will be able to come up with an idea that makes all parties involved happy!

Post # 24
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2021

I don’t like this pressure either. My Mother and cousin have been putting some pressure on me to have a flowergirl but my Fiance and I don’t really want childern involved at all, not even at the reception. My Future Mother-In-Law thinks that having a flowergirl takes away from the bride because everyone is going on about how cute the little flowergirl is. I really don’t know what to do. I know my cousin would be pissed if I didn’t ask her daughter to be a flowergirl.

Post # 25
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I would say let her be a flower girl.  It sounds like you  have a really close relationship with your brother and by letting his little girl be in the wedding you show him your respect for this relationship.

My four year old niece who was in our wedding as a flower girl, is in my opinion a terror.  She was the most angelic child I have seen and had more fun then she may be able to remember.  She was the highlight of our night. 

I think you will be impressed with how little girls will behave once they are in an adorable dress and ready to be the center of attention on their 30 second walk down the aisle.

Post # 26
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2021

I’d say just let her be flower girl too- it would be super cute as well and won’t cost much more at all.  us modern brides can throw traditional roles out the window- why not have two flower girls or uneven amount of bridesmaids to groomsmen.  Have fun and roll with it.

it’ll work out !  🙂

Post # 27
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ok.  Mom here chiming in.  I think there’s enough wiggle room for two flowergirls!

and ill-behaved kids are the result of parenting usually.  So give the little one a break.  She might morph into the most gracious flowergirl ever!

Have you been on Amazon and seen the fabulous books for little girls who are to become flower girls?  It not only tell them the expectations of "the job" but imho, would make any little girl feel flattered and very very special of her role in the family and in the wedding.


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