HELP! My fiance said he wants me to slow things down!

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

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elizap01 :  

have you asked him what he means? Communication is key; he may have sticker shock after looking at both investments (properties) and large expenses (the wedding) and want to slow things down to make a plan. 

Post # 3
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee

You tagged “finance”. Is his reason financial? Maybe he needs to figure out what is affordable without going into overwhelming debt. What reasons did he give? 

Post # 4
Member
5900 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

does he want to slow down as in focus on one thing at a time, the wedding or the home? Or does he want neither? Did you ask him why he even proposed if he wasn’t ready?

Post # 6
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee

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elizap01 :  Strange. What was your relationship like before he proposed? Was he excited like you were? Something is obviously very wrong if he won’t even discuss it. I would confront him, and tell him you can’t enter an engagement with someone who choses to put a ring on your finger, then choses for the both of you to put a halt to the planning with no explanation. How does he think that’s OK? Unless this is typical behavior for him…

Post # 7
Member
12838 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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elizap01 :  I’m sorry but this doesn’t bode well. If he won’t even discuss something this significant with you then whatever his actual reason is, your issues with him go well beyond them.

If he can’t discuss it, walks away, gives you the silent treatment and changes the subject, I would tell him you can only assume this means you are no longer engaged.

Post # 8
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You got engaged after a year and a half and now he doesn’t want to talk about plans for the wedding or your shared home? Sorry there are a lot of typos in your post so I’m just trying to grasp what the situation is. 

Were you pushing for a proposal or did he do it on his own? It basically sounds to me after reading your update that he doesn’t actually want to be engaged. I had initially thought perhaps he was concerned about how much it’s all going to cost and wanted to slow things down for financial reasons. But if he is refusing to talk about it at all that’s not normal. That makes me think he doesn’t want to get married any time soon and it’s really shitty of him to just leave you hanging like that. What I really don’t understand is why in Earth he proposed if he doesn’t want to be engaged right now?? It’s not like he had the pressure of being 5 years into the relationship and having to either shit or get off the pot… He could have just continued on dating you for another year or two before deciding if he’s ready to take that step … 

Post # 9
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee

Buying a house and planning a wedding are two very expensive endeavors.  I understand why he would want to slow down.  Unless you are both liquid with a lot of cash and have money to cover the wedding and have at least 10-20% to put down, plus an additional emergency fund, I wouldn’t take his comments personally.  

I would prioritize what’s more important to both of you and focus on that first.

But yes, you should be able to talk about it and not have him shut down.

Post # 10
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

I would plan the wedding first, then purchase a house afterwards. This is too much to do at once and I understand why he would feel overwhelmed. 

Post # 11
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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elizap01 :  Wait, so in the middle of a conversation he’ll just….turn and walk away? Is that normal for him? Communication skills clearly need to be worked on, especially if you’re working towards building a life together. If he’s anxious about the big financial changes of buying a house and planning a wedding, maybe put the house hunt on hold for now. Potentially the wedding plans as well if communication can’t be figured out, because you can’t work on improving a problem or source of conflict if you can’t have an adult conversation about it with this man. 

Post # 13
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee

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elizap01 :  A marriage to someone who isn’t willing to communicate would be difficult. Have you thought about how you both plan to resolve conflicts that arise in marriage? House, finances, kids, retirement, etc. If his way of addressing an issue is to avoid them altogether, then ultimately, he wins, because nothing ever gets decided in your favor. However, if he won’t even allow you to start planning without a reason, marriage doesn’t look like it’s happening anytime soon anyway. Would he be willing to attend couple’s counseling to help open lines of communication? 

Post # 15
Member
41 posts
Newbee

OP how old are you and your partner?

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