(Closed) Help. My Fiancee is having second thoughts. Wedding is 2 months away.

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Not to be too harsh, but it sounded like she needed you to step up, and you didn’t, and now she is questioning if that’s how the rest of her life is going to be.

I’d first of all have a chat with her and really get down to what’s going on. But after that, why dont YOU run to her to give her a hug and a kiss? Why dont YOU throw her a surprise party? Why don’t you do these things that she spends so much time and effort doing for you? Relationships are supposed to be give and take, and she probably feels like you aren’t giving enough.

I’d also discuss with her telling you sooner when she needs something. Ex, she waited 2-3 weeks while you were really busy before saying anything. Make it known that if she needs you, she can tell you and you will be there for her.

I dont think this is anything you guys can’t get past though. It sounds like she just needs some reassurance.

Post # 3
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I am sorry for what you are going through. Have you discussed what or why she is questioning the wedding? Was it really your behavior from the last few weeks that made things what they are now, or did this just add to a snowball situation that maybe you weren’t noticing? I think if I were you, I would make sure to take a day or two off, take her somewhere nice for a break from the wedding planning (which can be stressful and exhausting), sit down somewhere quiet and be really honest with her… brutally honest. Sometimes you have to be completely vulnerable with each other to get to the point where you need to be.

Engagement is part of the process of preparing for marriage and getting to know each other really well. But nowadays, it’s turned into pure wedding planning, and many forget the reason to get married at all. If you two have what it takes to truly make it the distance, she will take a moment to be brutally honest with you too and you will find together a way to make things work. 

You also need to make a commitment to pay more attention to her. Remember, she is working her job AND putting together this wedding mostly on her own, but for the two of you. You have to step it up and be part of the decisions with her to reaffirm that this is truly the partnership you both deserve. Best of luck.

Post # 4
Member
387 posts
Helper bee

My advice to you is to sit down with her and ask her exactly what she needs from you right now. It’s impossible to say what her rationale is for feeling the way she is right now. 

The one thing I am going to say is: You’re not a mind reader. If she’s having a tough day at work or wants some more emotional support, SHE has to ask for you for it. She can’t expect you to automatically know exactly what she needs. 

Post # 5
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee

Those last few questions at the bottom of the post – ask her! Only she can tell you how to make it better, how much time she needs, etc. She said there isn’t another man, and she would miss you if you guys split. Is she just super overwhelmed at everything right now? 

Post # 6
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I wouldn’t assume everything is over yet.  It doesn’t sound fatal to me, but I don’t communicate the way your fiancee does so it’s hard for me to try to analyze.  I don’t know when exactly you need to commit to postponing or not, so you should probably look over vendor contracts and see what it says.  How much money would you lose as of today?

I don’t know you two, of course, but I imagine she probably feels overwhelmed – she’s doing most of the wedding planning, she was planning you an amazing surprise party as well, you said yourself that you don’t cook dinner.  How often do you go out of your way to make her life easier?  What do you do to be a considerate partner?  Probably, this has less to do with what happened a few weeks ago and is more like a nagging feeling she’s had for a while that was confirmed by her feeling like you were unsupportive.

It’s important to give her space but to do so in a way that isn’t cold.  I guess the best thing to do is follow her cues.  After a few days, you should really have a talk, but it would be best if it were initiated by her … but you don’t have a lot of days to spare if you are going to postpone.  I would phrase it like “what do we need to do from here” and not make it about you or her individually.

Good luck.  Keep us updated.

Post # 7
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I have to echo what was said above–something that might benefit you a lot is planning a day (or even a few hours) away from the wedding stress. Go to a hotel, somewhere neither of you /can/ do wedding things and reconnect. Ladylove and I found this invaluable before our wedding — the stress can be overwhelming and taking some time to remember why you chose to spend your life with this person can be a life (or wedding) saver. 

Post # 9
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I would be straight up with her. I would acknowledge that I hurt her, and ask what do you need from me now to make you sure about us? Not just space (imo staying in a place of cold shoulders and out of the ordinary behavior builds resentment/anger, it doesn’t resolve it) what concrete steps does she need? therapy stat? You to relieve her load right now with everything- take over the to do list. You actions might have set this off but already being overwhelmed maybe exaggerated a case of cold feet. I can see how that would happen. Maybe she does want to break it off but it’s not fair to you or her if you don’t exhaust all possibilities of fixing it. waiting for her to come around is probably not the answer. 

Post # 10
Member
7716 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Can you be a little more clear about how specifically you failed her 2-3 weeks ago? It’s hard to understand what she’s really feeling without more details. 

Post # 11
Member
6864 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It sounds as if the issues have existed for far longer than a few weeks–if she’s been stressed out planning your wedding and you’ve been absent and uninvolved throughout the process this has been going on for months and was just exacerbated by you not being there for her when she was having a terrible time at work while also trying to deal with wedding planning solo. I can understand why she might be questioning some things right now, especially if the two of you plan to have children and she’s wondering if you’ll be an active partner or leave her on her own to juggle work and family whenever you get busy.

If you really want to work things out with her you need to talk to her and find out exactly what her concerns are. Then think long and hard about whether or not you are able to meet her needs before you promise to do so. 

 

Post # 12
Member
387 posts
Helper bee

thatguy329:  That’s not fair to you. She needs to be honest with you about what emotional needs she has so you can meet them. This isn’t just your fault. TBH, I’d be most of the fault on her. She didn’t tell you what was wrong, you had no idea what was wrong, and she expects you to know what’s wrong. Communication doesn’t work that way. 

Post # 13
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

thatguy329:  has she communicated what she needs from you? As in when was she upset did she say “hey I need you to hear me vent” and you Blew it off?  because that would annoy me as well.  I ask because I find that poor communication is the cause of a lot of fights like this except it’s concerning it blew up so much.  My fiancé can definitely forget to give me attention because of the day to day grind or work getting hectic but I would always make sure to communicate with him what I need Because honestly he doesn’t always know.  I guess I wonder if there is more going on?  You really need to sit down and talk To understand what the heck is going on!

Post # 14
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee

futurebrideesq:  I want to second this point, especially the last part. I wasted a lot of time being upset with people before I realized that it was on me to be very clear about what I needed.

From your post, it sounds like this could be more of a communication issue and less of a “you not being there for her” issue. As long as you’re both willing to work on it, communications issues can usually be solved pretty quickly.

Post # 15
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

futurebrideesq:  yeah, I have to agree with this. It’s easy for the OP to look back and see he wasn’t there for her (whatever that means) but it is completely wrong of his fiancee to expect him to be a mind reader.

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