(Closed) Help. My Fiancee is having second thoughts. Wedding is 2 months away.

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I think you’re putting a lot of blame on yourself, and I think you should give yourself a bit of a break. Dont be so hard on yourself. My fiance and I have a similar dynamic. He’s helping out where he can, but I’m doing the bulk of the work. I’m also going through a lot of personal family stuff that’s adding a lot of tension to our relationship, but I mean, even all that considered, I don’t think him not “participating” enough in wedding planning, and not letting me vent to him enough would ever be reason enough for me to not want to marry him. Are you sure this was the only factor? Or was it maybe just the straw that broke the camel’s back and things were just accumulating for a lot longer than a few weeks. I always think of it like this. Marriage is hard (or so I hear). Down the line you’re going to be faced with WAY bigger hurdles than what you’ve described. If someone gets sick (knock on wood), loses a job, etc. It’s a commitment to ride it out good and bad. Life is full of challenges and you will need to overcome them as a couple. 

Post # 17
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

Go to counselling. There are communication issues as PPs have mentioned. However, I don’t place the blame any more on your fiancé than you. She did the bulk of the planning as you said. She hated it. You rarely make dinner. i don’t know, I sense an imbalance and that she is frustrated and feeling unappreciated. Counselling will help, it’s not hopeless. engagement is a hard time for lots of people and you have deeper thoughts about whether someone is right for you when youre contemplating building a life with them forever – it’s natural 

Post # 19
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

I second everything that scissorgirl mentioned. It sounds like she felt let down by you during a difficult time, and now she isn’t sure she’ll be able to count on you in the future. 

In the meantime, I think it’s important that you give her space, but step up in other ways. Can you start making dinner more, so she doesn’t have to? Maybe help out at home in other ways – for example, if there’s something that she typically asks you to do (like take out the trash, or something) do it without her asking. Do your part to be a supportive partner in tangible ways, not just in words.

You are not 100% at fault here, though. Communication is very important, and she needs to do her part there. It sounds like you want to fix things, and based on what you’ve told us, I think you deserve that chance. You messed up, but forgiveness is a pretty important part of a successful marriage, too. You two really need to have an honest talk. If she’s not ready for it now, maybe write her a note expressing what you’ve expressed to us, and let her know that you’re ready to chat when she is. Tell her that her concerns matter to you, and mean it. And honestly – be there for her next time. I’m guessing that she was probably bending over backward to plan your surprise party during her difficult time at work, and you were basically too busy to be her support system when she asked you to be. That had to sting. 

I hope it works out for you! This shouldn’t be a deal breaker, as long as you are willing to give a little more, and she starts communicating issues sooner.

Post # 21
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

thatguy329:  it sounds like you are a supportive partner! Idk, I think we all have times when we get busy and aren’t as supportive as we could be. I know my emotions have been particuarly heightened since getting engaged. Every issue between my partner and I feels so much bigger than it did when we were just dating. In some ways, it seems getting through the wedding planning is part of the getting to know you better/engagement process? Maybe when she understands that you want to be supportive, things will change.

Post # 22
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Getting married can be a scary time as well as an enjoyable one. But it is important to remember you are basically making a committment for life, and it seems like she felt like she was having to do 90% of the work in the relationship. 

I know this will be hard as she needs time to figure things out, but do try and show her, that you can take on tasks that she is used to doing, such as dinner? Ultimately, she just needs visual reassurance that everything will not be left for her to do. It’s the little things that count, the details, such as making her a cup of tea. Also from experience I have found a letter can do wonders. I know my other half isn’t great with words, but a simply letter saying sorry does go along way.

Post # 23
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

thatguy329:  I dunno. I don’t like the way she’s handling it, TBH. I mean, we only have your side of the story, so this isn’t necessarily fair of me to say, but here’s a couple of points: 

1. You guys cannot be ‘everything’ for each-other. You cannot be her lover, her BFF, her therapist, her guru, her father figure, her sassy sidekick, etc. etc. and so this sort of, “You weren’t there for me in the way wanted” isn’t really cutting mustard for me. It’s entirely possible that you werent’ and she has every reason to be upset, but getting angry because you didn’t anticipate her needs is kind of unfair. 

2. You have to ask for what you need and want in a marriage. Like, all the time. Fuck romance. If she doesn’t like the way you handled the situation, then the “married” thing to do is tell you where you went wrong and how you should handle it in the future. And then the even MORE “married” thing to do is to accept that you probably won’t be able to put what she wants into practice and she’ll have to either correct your behavior (again) or take a deep breath and remind herself that maybe you’re just not the right person to give her what she wants. I love my Darling Husband to pieces, but he’s not that great as a sounding-board for my emotions–he likes to solve problems for me, rather than help me handle the frustration, and so I either have to literally say, “No, honey, I need you to say/do THIS” and spell it out, or I have to kind of remember that it’s just not his MO to be in sync with my emotional needs and call on someone who is (like my BFF or something). Now, it’s unlcear to me if this was a single issue, or if it’s an ongoing problem wtih your relationship (ie, she feels you’re generally emotionally unavailable or generally too self-absorbed or you take her for granted or something like that), and if it’s the latter, then yes, it’s going to be a slow correction on your part. But that still needs to be discussed and laid-out. I mean, it’s not entirely fair to you to say, “You just don’t appreciate me enough and you should appreciate me more” (or equivalent) without some kind of roadmap as to what she thinks “appreciating” her means on a daily, concrete basis. Does it mean you work on your listening skills? Does it mean you do more of the housework? Does it mean that you always check in before going out with your buddies? I mean, without those concrete directives, something like “value me more!” or “be more invested in our relationship!” isn’t really that helpful to solving the problem. 

Because nowhere in marriage is a good idea to sit in sullen silence without telling the person how to fix things, and In My Humble Opinion I kind of think it’s a bit cruel for her to say she’s questioning the marriage wholesale WITHOUT being willing to work with you on these issues. If I’m being brutal here, that’s a sign of immaturity to me. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  BothCoasts.
Post # 24
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t know. In my experience people who say that you’re not “there for them” tend to be kind of vague about their needs. She has to step up and tell you something concrete. I agree with BothCoasts:  in that it’s unreal to expect your partner to be your everything and it sounds like that’s what’s going on here. Reading between the the lines, think she’s being kind of unfair and unnecessarily angst-y about this. I’m sorry.

Post # 25
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

thatguy329:  obviously we dint know your relationship and are just getting one side of this story but… I don’t think you screwed it up and I think she’s being unfair. When you commit your life to someone you’re supposed to fight for the relationship and not just bail when things are tough. You’re supposed to advocate for your own needs and for the relationship- not let it crumble. It’s not like you were cheating or being abusive- you got busy and slacked on wedding planning (which most guys do btw). You didn’t meet her unique needs at that moment (that she didn’t express she needed). 

I think she just has doubts and you shouldn’t blame yourself and the past 3 weeks. 3 busy weeks shouldn’t breakdown a pending marriage- something bigger is at play here. Don’t marry her if she’s not into it. You both deserve someone who’s confident about your future together. So don’t beg. Just give her space and reassure her you love her and you want this but you want her to be honest about what she wants, even if it means canceling. I wouldn’t bother postponing- it’s do or die IMO.

Post # 29
Member
3610 posts
Sugar bee

thatguy329: First, ditto what Bothcoasts said.

If you are normally very supportive and you didn’t clue in a couple of times that she was struggling, it’s mostly on her unless she brought it up and you ignored her. If this truly was an abnormal “slight” then she is being a bit ridiculous.

Is there normally a division of labor? For example, I always cook, but my fiance won’t let me go near the dishes. He’s also a bit clueless when it comes to wedding planning; he doesn’t realize how many decisions there are to make. But he steps up when I ask him to. And he mostly lets me get my way with the wedding. Win-win.

Post # 30
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

thatguy329:  I can’t believe she’s giving you such a hard time about this. We are all human and we all slip up sometimes when it comes to giving our loved ones the attention they want. It seems odd to me that she’s been holding this over you for weeks now. It makes me wonder if there’s something else going on. Could she maybe have had these doubts before?

I guess all you can do is ask if you can talk to her again. Tell her she’s scaring the hell out of you, and ask her to let you know what she needs from you. Assure her you’ll be there for her, although assuming this is really all that’s going on, I feel like she’s overreacting. I wouldn’t tell her that though!

Fwiw, you sound like an amazing guy and I hope it works out.

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