thatguy329: I dunno. I don’t like the way she’s handling it, TBH. I mean, we only have your side of the story, so this isn’t necessarily fair of me to say, but here’s a couple of points:
1. You guys cannot be ‘everything’ for each-other. You cannot be her lover, her BFF, her therapist, her guru, her father figure, her sassy sidekick, etc. etc. and so this sort of, “You weren’t there for me in the way I wanted” isn’t really cutting mustard for me. It’s entirely possible that you werent’ and she has every reason to be upset, but getting angry because you didn’t anticipate her needs is kind of unfair.
2. You have to ask for what you need and want in a marriage. Like, all the time. Fuck romance. If she doesn’t like the way you handled the situation, then the “married” thing to do is tell you where you went wrong and how you should handle it in the future. And then the even MORE “married” thing to do is to accept that you probably won’t be able to put what she wants into practice and she’ll have to either correct your behavior (again) or take a deep breath and remind herself that maybe you’re just not the right person to give her what she wants. I love my Darling Husband to pieces, but he’s not that great as a sounding-board for my emotions–he likes to solve problems for me, rather than help me handle the frustration, and so I either have to literally say, “No, honey, I need you to say/do THIS” and spell it out, or I have to kind of remember that it’s just not his MO to be in sync with my emotional needs and call on someone who is (like my BFF or something). Now, it’s unlcear to me if this was a single issue, or if it’s an ongoing problem wtih your relationship (ie, she feels you’re generally emotionally unavailable or generally too self-absorbed or you take her for granted or something like that), and if it’s the latter, then yes, it’s going to be a slow correction on your part. But that still needs to be discussed and laid-out. I mean, it’s not entirely fair to you to say, “You just don’t appreciate me enough and you should appreciate me more” (or equivalent) without some kind of roadmap as to what she thinks “appreciating” her means on a daily, concrete basis. Does it mean you work on your listening skills? Does it mean you do more of the housework? Does it mean that you always check in before going out with your buddies? I mean, without those concrete directives, something like “value me more!” or “be more invested in our relationship!” isn’t really that helpful to solving the problem.
Because nowhere in marriage is a good idea to sit in sullen silence without telling the person how to fix things, and In My Humble Opinion I kind of think it’s a bit cruel for her to say she’s questioning the marriage wholesale WITHOUT being willing to work with you on these issues. If I’m being brutal here, that’s a sign of immaturity to me.