Wedding planning is brutal. Like, really brutal. My husband and I joked that it was the biggest test of a relationship; if you could plan a wedding together, you were ready to get married!
And I think it’s completely normal to have cold feet, healthy even. I know that can be a controversial opinion here, but I stand by it. This is a huge, lifelong commitment, and if you’re taking it seriously then I think most people will have moments where they question their decision, take a step back, and make sure that they’re still making a rational choice. The combination of these two things can be scary.
That being said, the way that she is expressing this fear to you is concerning to me. Sure, I told my husband I was nervous about getting married on more than a couple of occassions during our engagement, but it was always because I wanted him to reassure me that we were happy and doing it for the right reasons and we’d be together forever. I realized I was scared of the wedding; saying “I do” was a lot scarier than the idea of actually being married, if that makes sense. I wanted to be married! I was just freaked out about the act of the wedding. It helped to put things in that perspective. I definitely wasn’t avoiding him. Maybe your fiancee deals with stress and uncertainty really differently.
I think you guys need to have a really serious conversation and try to figure out what’s bugging her. Is it stuff that will go away after the wedding is over (i.e., is it the stress of wedding planning/ the new dynamic that planning the wedding has caused?) or is it something about the relationship itself. My husband and I had more than a few sit-downs where we complained about how we felt like all of our time together had become wedding-work, and joked that we wouldn’t be able to relate to each other after the wedding; we were starting to interact more like co-workers, and every converstaion was about the wedding. At that point, even when we were in the thick of it, we created time to go on dates where we didn’t talk about the wedding at all and had time to decompress and spend quality time together. It helped tremendously.
I don’t know if this is just wedding stress or if it’s something bigger, but I think you guys definitely need to take a breather from wedding planning and get grounded as a couple. Figure out where your relationship is at outside of all of the abnormal stress, and decide if, in five years, you want to be together, or if that idea is making her feel just as panicky as the wedding itself is. For what it’s worth, as soon as the wedding was over, we looked at each other and said “we got our lives back!” and high-fived. Being married has been awesome; getting weddinged definitely wasn’t the fairy tale experience it was made out to be. I’m hoping your fiancee is just confusing not enjoying the planning/ not looking forward to the wedding for not looking forward to being married. It’s unbelievable how much pressure there is on women to think that the year-long process of “being a bride” should be the best time of your life. It’s easy to think that if you don’t love it, it means there’s something wrong with your relationship.
Edit: is it possible she’s picking a fight as a “test”? To make sure she’s not going to scare you off when the going gets tough, later? I found myself being more argumentative right after I got engaged, and I realized that deep down I still didn’t believe that my husband really wanted to be married to me. I was kind of giving him reasons to take it all back and say he didn’t actually want this. I stopped being a jerk after I figured that out… But maybe she hasn’t figured it out yet. I probably sound batshit based on what I’ve written here. Sheesh.