(Closed) Help. My Fiancee is having second thoughts. Wedding is 2 months away.

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

You are in such a tough spot, so I really emphathize with you. From what you wrote, it seems like she wants to see some real effort from you. Like with planning obviously, but, for example, why is cooking “rare” for you? In a real partnership, why aren’t you cooking 50% of the time? It sounds like she’s tired of picking up your slack and worried about always having to hound you get you to help out/contribute. Obviously this is my very dirty lens and is very limited from what you wrote here. Good luck to you.

Post # 32
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Wedding planning is brutal. Like, really brutal. My husband and I joked that it was the biggest test of a relationship; if you could plan a wedding together, you were ready to get married!

And I think it’s completely normal to have cold feet, healthy even. I know that can be a controversial opinion here, but I stand by it. This is a huge, lifelong commitment, and if you’re taking it seriously then I think most people will have moments where they question their decision, take a step back, and make sure that they’re still making a rational choice. The combination of these two things can be scary. 

That being said, the way that she is expressing this fear to you is concerning to me. Sure, I told my husband I was nervous about getting married on more than a couple of occassions during our engagement, but it was always because I wanted him to reassure me that we were happy and doing it for the right reasons and we’d be together forever. I realized I was scared of the wedding; saying “I do” was a lot scarier than the idea of actually being married, if that makes sense. I wanted to be married! I was just freaked out about the act of the wedding. It helped to put things in that perspective. I definitely wasn’t avoiding him. Maybe your fiancee deals with stress and uncertainty really differently. 

I think you guys need to have a really serious conversation and try to figure out what’s bugging her. Is it stuff that will go away after the wedding is over (i.e., is it the stress of wedding planning/ the new dynamic that planning the wedding has caused?) or is it something about the relationship itself. My husband and I had more than a few sit-downs where we complained about how we felt like all of our time together had become wedding-work, and joked that we wouldn’t be able to relate to each other after the wedding; we were starting to interact more like co-workers, and every converstaion was about the wedding. At that point, even when we were in the thick of it, we created time to go on dates where we didn’t talk about the wedding at all and had time to decompress and spend quality time together. It helped tremendously. 

I don’t know if this is just wedding stress or if it’s something bigger, but I think you guys definitely need to take a breather from wedding planning and get grounded as a couple. Figure out where your relationship is at outside of all of the abnormal stress, and decide if, in five years, you want to be together, or if that idea is making her feel just as panicky as the wedding itself is. For what it’s worth, as soon as the wedding was over, we looked at each other and said “we got our lives back!” and high-fived. Being married has been awesome; getting weddinged definitely wasn’t the fairy tale experience it was made out to be. I’m hoping your fiancee is just confusing not enjoying the planning/ not looking forward to the wedding for not looking forward to being married. It’s unbelievable how much pressure there is on women to think that the year-long process of “being a bride” should be the best time of your life. It’s easy to think that if you don’t love it, it means there’s something wrong with your relationship. 

 

Edit: is it possible she’s picking a fight as a “test”? To make sure she’s not going to scare you off when the going gets tough, later? I found myself being more argumentative right after I got engaged, and I realized that deep down I still didn’t believe that my husband really wanted to be married to me. I was kind of giving him reasons to take it all back and say he didn’t actually want this. I stopped being a jerk after I figured that out… But maybe she hasn’t figured it out yet. I probably sound batshit based on what I’ve written here. Sheesh. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  MadameX.
Post # 33
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Sounds like I’m in the minority but this situation doesn’t sound to me as though it’s really your fault. Yes you did mess up, yes you should have been more supportive, no you shouldn’t have left all the planning to her. That said, it sounds to me like it is something of an overreaction to want to end your relationship over this. I mean, these sound like issues that can be worked through. I suspect that the enormity of the commitment she is making has dawned on her and she is feeling overwhelmed. I’d give her space but make an arrangement for a “date” in a day or two. Make a fuss over her, take her out and have a proper, serious chat. Ask her all the questions you’ve asked here. 

Post # 34
Member
2919 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

thatguy329:  I fully expected you to say that you blew her off somehow, not that you “weren’t there for her” by not asking her more how her day was.

I have to agree with the other Bees that you are being way too hard on youself, and that your fiancee is way overreacting, especially if this isn’t a normal occurrence.

Read BothCoasts reply again because I think she is really on to something.

I am also concerned that one bad stretch means your fiancee is basically willing to throw everything away.  Relationships go through ebbs and flows.  Wedding planning can be incredibly stressful for some people but that’s no reason to accuse you of no longer being her best friend.  WTF is that comment?  You cannot be her “everything”.  She needs to have other friends to vent to. 

I really hope she comes around but you guys need to talk about communication.  As I said earlier, she cannot expect you to be a mind reader.  If she needs something from you, she has to tell you but at the same time, she also needs to learn how to self soothe.  We ALL go through stressful times but it’s not a reason to take it out on the person you love.

Post # 35
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

This might seem harsh, but if she is going to reconsider, better 2 months before the wedding then 2 months after.  I know 2 months before the wedding is a busy time, but take the time to talk to each other, and seek counceling if you are able so you can both feel confident about your decision to commit your life to each other.  

Post # 36
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

thatguy329:   “I got home about a week ago from a business trip, and she opened the door to let me in, and I had to ASK her to give me a hug and a kiss as I missed her. She usually runs into my arms when I get home. This is when I knew something was wrong.”

This passage rubbed me the wrong way?? It sounds like in the past you’ve expected her to drop what she’s been doing to emotionally validate you (hug and kiss when you get home) Did you use this change in routine to start a conversation? I ca’nt picture a situation where saying “Give me a hug and kiss!” wouldn’t come off as passive agressive.

Suggested reading! https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0UUYL6kaNeBTDBRbkJkeUtabEk/view

Emotional labor! It sounds like your Fiance has been doing most if the work- wedding planning wise, cooking dinner, your birthday party (did you THANK her or tell her how much work it was and how much you liked it?) I realize that you can’t fit every detail in a post, but it seems like there might be other things for her to say she is unsure.

Honestly, one partner cooking generic romantic dinner when you think you’ve messed up is not something worth applause. That’s basic. You need to let her know that you appreciate her and will IN THE FUTURE appreciate and be there for her more, all the time, not just a gesture after you’ve dropped the ball.

You should have asked her what was up days ago when you first realized she was being distant. When you didn’t say anything, she may have taken it as a sign that you didn’t even pay enough attention to her to notice her bahavior or that you did notice and didn’t care. 

I’m not sure where you can go from here. Commit to being a better partner. Show her signs of your commitment. It’s up to her.

Post # 37
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

shortstop:  I’d be sad too if I came home from a trip and my fiance didn’t come right up to hug and kiss me! 

Post # 39
Member
2919 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

thatguy329:  I think you were very smart to postpone the wedding.  I think a lot of people are afraid to do that because things are already in place and think they just have cold feet.  I think it’s also great that you’re both open to therapy to work on your problems.  I wish more couples would do that.

In the end, if you do end your engagement, while it may feel like the end of the world, please realize it is not, and I am truly of the belief that things happen for a reason.  I had to end my own engagement about a year and a half ago, and looking back, while things seemed “perfect”, there were a lot of red flags that I missed.  I took that time being single to figure out what I really wanted from partner.  I had to end a relationship last year with a guy I was absolutely crazy about because there was nothing I could say or do to make him feel secure in our relationship.  Just because you love someone it doesn’t mean they’re the best fit for you.  Relationships have to go both ways and from what you posted, I read a lot of what she needs but nothing about what YOU need.

Best of luck to you.

Post # 40
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

sunnierdaysahead2:  This!!!!

OP, best wishes to you. Regardless of what your future with your Fiance holds, you will be okay. Therapy is a great idea, no matter what. The benefits can continue for a lifetime 🙂

Post # 41
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

thatguy329:  Thinking of you two and sincerely hope it works out.

Post # 42
Member
5863 posts
Bee Keeper

I find it alarming that anytime you displease her, she withdraws her love and affection for you. Even if she has reason to be displeased, she should address the issue itself that’s bothering her, not figuratively and literally turn away from you. She opens the door to you after a business trip but withholds her customary affection, throws you a surprise party with the overt stoicism destined to send you the message I’m going through the motions because I’ve already planned it, but my heart’s not in it/ you don’t deserve it. Tells you to sleep in another room, goes to stay with a friend because she needs time away from you. It seems like she takes any real or perceived slight, such as you not being ‘attentive’ enough or asking the right questions when she had a bad week at work, and goes out of her way to punish you for it in one passive aggressive way or another. IMO it’s cruel to deliberately make your partner question if they’re unwanted or unloved as a way of punishing them.

I hope you use this time of postponement to sort things out, because if you marry her you’re likely to spend many evenings dealing with her turned cheek from your kisses, her stony silences & her reproachful suggestions that you sleep on the sofa or in the guest room anytime you don’t meet her unvoiced needs. I wouldn’t want to live like this.

Post # 43
Member
16 posts
Newbee

thatguy329:  Are you guys going to premarital counseling?   If you aren’t I think this is the best time to start.  Counseling can help you both get to the bottom of this and give you tools to handle tough time/situations in the future.  I wish you guys the best of luck.

Post # 44
Member
16 posts
Newbee

thatguy329:  Are you guys going to premarital counseling?  If you aren’t this would be the best time to start.  Counseling will help you both get to the bottom of this and it will give you tools to work through rough times/situations in the future.  I believe your relationship can come out stronger with the proper tools and help.  I wish you guys the best. 

Post # 45
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. At least you are taking steps to work through it, and acknowledging that there are steps you BOTH need to make. 

What is she like in dealing with others who are close to her? Is it possible she is dealing with depression? I don’t say this in direct relation to the wedding preparation, and I could be totally off base, but if she is uncharacteristically withdrawing from you and other loved ones, that might be a sign That something else is going on. As PPs have said, I don’t know either of you or your situation, so I am in no means saying this is absolutely the case, but maybe it’s something worth (carefully) talking about with her?

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